Should I make DS get his hair cut?

[WarmKittyColdKitty]

DS goes into secondary school after summer (S1 as we are in Scotland).

He has long straight hair. It hits just past his shoulders. His choice. I'm not keen - it gets greasy easily and doesn't hold a shape well. It looks like a messy girls bob to me. But he likes it long - he thinks it's cool.

Never been teased (badly) as far as I'm aware. He has often had people assume he's a girl. That doesn't bother him - he just rolls his eyes at their silly assumption.

But he goes into secondary after summer and I wonder if I should encourage him to get it cut. He can grow it again - I just feel there's less chance of bullying / teasing etc without unusual hair at the beginning. No-one from his primary is going to the same school - so no continuity of friendships.

What would you do?

This is a key piece for me.

Our kids do tend to trigger us. Step back and remember you are not your son.

He feels comfortable, but you don’t. If you recognise that it’s 12 year old you talking, it might help you to create that distance. Give 12 year old you a hug or whatever she needs. Your 12 year old boy is feeling just fine with his choice to not conform and to stand out.

Why on earth not? It’s his hair and it isn’t permanent!

I also have a 12 year old and consider that she’s been far too old for me to influence her haircut for several years!

I think the message you’d be sending to ds by forcing him to have it cut is

A. That someone teasing him about his appearance is a disaster to be avoided at all costs (which means he may not shrug it off when it happens, as it likely will to everyone).

B. That what others think of him matters more to you than whether he is comfortable and happy.

I was just about to mention mullets, I even see some lads with the top permed then the straggly moustache that hasn't reached the stage of growing in fully. I was amazed that look actually became fashionable again!

But then I remember the absolute state of the clothes and makeup I used to wear and what I did with my hair. 😳 I thought I was the bees knees and would roll my eyes at the side eye looks from my parents

It's important to let teens express themselves, it's how we all figured out who we are.

This brilliantly articulates what I think.

My dad was forced to cut his hair in the 1960s by his parents. It negatively affected his relationship with them. As soon as he left home for uni he grow it and he had long hair for the rest of his life.

I'm also a teacher and fair few of the older year 5/6 boys have long hair.

So, I'm honestly surprised that you'd consider it in 2024.

How cool that he knows his mind. I hope my sons are like this age 11.

If he insists on long hair then I would make him wash it daily and teach him how to style it. Long hair on boys isn't necessarily a teasing point anymore and tbh I would be quite proud of him for not conforming to what is perceived as societal standard's :)

But there's a huge difference between getting rid of split ends and a total change in hairstyle.

He's not a little kid anymore - as long as it's accepted by the school, I'd let him do whatever he wants.

His hair don't make him cut it.

You say his hair is great. Is he using a shampoo suitable to greasy hair? Is he shampooing twice? Does he use a suitable conditioner only on the ends of his hair? All these are big factors to help greasy hair.

Make sure he has some hair bands and is able to put it in a pony tail by himself - he will have to tie it back in science / tech lessons.

He'll get it cut if other DC take the piss

If not his hair his choice

OP is in Scotland the school can insist on it being tied back for science PE cookery woodwork etc but uniform rules are guidance no child can be disciplined for non compliance with uniform. It is not legally enforceable only enforceable rules are when it crosses with health and safety for the lesson and rules about football colours du
e to sectarianism and offensive slogans. Education could not be withheld if you turned up in jeans and a hoodie. However uniform is generally complied with but the code is less in the first place. For secondary it's more like black trousers or skirt white shirt black jumper school tie. Certainly no logoed PE kit or shirts, maybe logo on jumper or blazer and no rules about coats bags etc

The 'conform, don't stand out' people make it hard for those who don't feel the need to.

My son's hair has always been like this and he's about to start Y11. Loads of boys have long hair and I don't think kids really comment even if they don't. (Just wish he would wash it more!!)

You mention ‘make’ him and ‘encourage’ - 2 very different things.

Don’t make him do anything. Voice your concerns and let him decide.

Teach him to wash it. Find products that work for him.

Otherwise, let him be.

I think you are concerned about your son being mistaken for a girl - you mention his girly bob and the fact that people mistake him for a girl.

Maybe try to accept that this is your problem, not your son's?

My eldest started secondary school with shoulder length hair. His hair is beautiful - black and very wavy - but he doesn't take good care of it and it ends up looking like a big frizzy bird's nest. I only ever suggested he get it cut when he complained about it. At 16 he now has it fairly short. I think he panicked a bit when I suggested the curly girl method might work well for him😆

My son goes to the school my brother went to years ago. When my brother was there they were very strict about boys hair being a certain length and tidy. Not the case any more because boys/ girls have to have the same guidelines. All children can have long hair if they want to.

So I would say make sure he follows the rules of the school in general so they might say long hair has to be tied back for example or tied back for PE. The rules are because of nits or just generally because it's sensible for PE so as long as he is in keeping with those rules then it's fine for him to have long hair.'