Working and DC refusing to go to club

[ChildcareIssues47]

School holidays are so stressful. We both work full time, DD is 6.

This week i'd booked her into a club linked to her hobby. She goes to standard holiday club usually but this week none of her friends were there and as we have 5 weeks to cover I thought she'd appreciate doing something different for one of them.

She'd been so excited, DH went to drop her off this morning... and came back home with her. She wasn't particularly distressed, said she'd felt sick and didn't want to go (she is not ill, it must have been nerves).

I work from home so am the one organising clubs and doing most drop offs and pickups which is a massive juggle. This was the first day DH stayed home to help as I had an unmovable work commitment this morning.

I'm feeling pretty annoyed with DH that he's now set the precedent that this is somehow optional. When tomorrow he'll be back in the office and it will be down to me to either convince her to go or juggle her at home all week with work...

Argh I honestly could cry! Not even sure what advice I am looking for, maybe just sympathy.

I would put this back on your DH. He can have a chat with her and tell her that it isn't optional. I don't know if there's any options to change clubs to something else (or where her friends are) but you are absolutely NOT unreasonable for not wanting to pick up the slack. It's a bit shit that your DH expects that.

He can set the expectations with her and tell her it's not optional. You both have to work, she is presumably old enough to understand that!

(Not that you asked AIBU by the way)

Your husbands been lazy as hell.

Back on your DH

What an idiot!

Was it because there was no one there that she knew. I'm assuming if it's linked to a hobby she already does then it's something she enjoys and maybe just needed some encouragement that she would be fine and make some new friends this week.

Tell DH if she won't go tomorrow he has to arrange childcare as your to busy.

I'm feeling pretty annoyed with DH that he's now set the precedent that this is somehow optional. When tomorrow he'll be back in the office

^

So what's his plan for tomorrow?

Oh yes.

You'll deal with the fault out cos he won't be there

Slow clapping

Sit DD down and ask her why she didn't want to go.
Could be anything from not what she expected to Dad beeing a push over!
In the end, explain to her that there isn't a choice for this week as it's booked and they are expecting her.
I would also explain that going to work is important for you- I usually told my DC at that age, I work so I am able to buy you sweets, ice cream and other treats.

She is 6! There was always a possibility that she was going to get overwhelmed and refuse to go in

Personally, I'd leave the house before DH, have a work emergency or something, and let him deal with it.

YANBU, I'd feel the same. One of those things that's absolutely fine for a day, but you can't create the precedent.

I think it should be on your DH to drop her to camp on his way to work tomorrow, unless it really is logistically impossible for him (not Big Important Man Job impossible, actually not possible because he as an unmissable meeting at 9 on the dot in the office).

wow, seriously! My kids knew I worked to pay for the home and the food on the table and their clothing and shoes. No way would I make it about sweets and icecreams!

So this week is unusual in that its not her normal holiday club. You are taking her somewhere different related to her hobby.

From your child’s perspective new location, staff they don’t know with children they don’t know. And you wonder why they would feel anxious, seriously?

In my opinion your husband did the right thing.

Encourage her to at least give it a go tomorrow - once she gets in she will probably be fine.

BUT. My son has always had to go to holiday clubs (not optional, we need my income), and I never send him without a known friend. As far as I can see, very few children go in alone, and those tend to be either highly confident and sociable children, or the ones crying outside and begging to go home.

It is not easy to arrange and I probably seem like a stalker, starting a spreadsheet after Easter and hounding people to find out what weeks they are thinking of what clubs, but I don't care. The success rate is 100% this way, and he enjoys his time in clubs.

Honestly it really got to me as it sounded like he was blaming me for having booked this rather than the usual club (easy to say when he doesn't help with the bookings and he was fully onboard with it anyway, neither of us could have predicted this)

After I chatted to her she said she would be happy to go tomorrow, but DH washed his hands off it and said he's not wasting time taking her there tomorrow again. I have another work commitment at drop off time so now if I want her to go I have to reschedule my work day.

To his credit he's now just checked with the usual club and they do have a place for her tomorrow so not sure whether to just book that. But her friends won't be there, and I'm pretty sure she'd enjoy the hobby one much more if she gave it a try.

DD was pretty good all morning but now getting impatient and wanting attention and DH is getting annoyed with it. What did he think was going to happen... sigh...

That's my 10 minute lunchbreak over, will check in again later :D

Aside from the need for childcare, I think he did the wrong thing.

If she'd gone in, she probably would have been nervous, and then settled and enjoyed it. By taking her home, he's giving those very natural nerves way more power than necessary and not allowing her to build resilience. We all have to go somewhere new and slightly nerve-wracking at times, and we need to learn that it's almost always better than we feared.

If she hated it, then there's a discussion about whether or not she should go on day 2, but he should have given her the choice to enjoy day 1. It was bad parenting IMO and I'd be really annoyed if DH did it for that reason.

Fuck that's infuriating OP.

He really needs to get her to the camp tomorrow, but I guess explain to him your thinking here and then wash your hands of it.

Do not reorganise your day. Just don't do it.

Fuming here on your behalf.

Why didn't you just take her to the club after you had spoken to her? I wouldn't have kept her home all day.

Can sniff a permissive parent a mile off

Nope, absolutely not wondering, it's totally understandable. She needed additional reassurance which DH probably got too impatient to provide. I would have stayed and watched from the sideline til she was comfortable, but DH came back rightaway as "he had work to do".

We usually try to sync with friends and unfortunately for this week there is noone. I can't really dictate other's timetables. DD has always gone to clubs, occasionally without anyone she knows and is usually fine so it's not like we were throwing her at the deep end for the first time.

Unfortunately we have no family around so the buck stops with us, so when DH isn't as supportive as he could be, I'm overwhelmed.

Your child has far to much power and your DH is a twat.
The riot those 2 would've walked into if I were you would've had them running back.

He'd be very far up shit creek. Who the hell does he think he is?
Washed his hands of it tomorrow?!!

It’s hard though isn’t it? I’m through the holiday clubs days fortunately but my dc never got on with them. There was always a problem when I picked them up.

It sounds like she would be happier at the one she had already attended.

She's 6. Sweets and ice creams are important.

I had to deal with a neighbour's daughter who cried every time Daddy went to work. She loved yoghurt so I told her that Daddy needed to find the pennies to pay for her yoghurt.

The next evening she pushed him out the door, so he stood at mine wanting to know what I'd said.

OP, tell DH that if he can't her to go then he's off rations. That'll work. Or just double lock the door behind him.

Can sniff a permissive parent a mile off

^

Yup

This is the most infuriating thing for me, if I'd been away for work this week, he 100% would have found a way to convince her and absolutely not brought her home so his precious work week wasn't affected. It's the assumption that I can probably juggle it all so it's fine that has pushed me over the edge!

Urghh I really need to get back to it but getting it off my chest is really helping thank you!

He's usually not a twat and we share things 50-50 but school holidays are increasingly becoming a source of argument as he has started to assume my work is more flexible so I can do it all.

🤷🏽‍♀️You are missing the point. DC having a home, clothes and regular meals is normal or taken for granted. I don't think a 6 year old can relate to rent or mortgage payments, but they understand treats and sweets instantly!

you are seriously underestimating 6 year olds. And dumbing down to a ridiculous level. Of course a six year old can understand. And making it about icecreams is really daft - you are telling your six year old that sweets and icecream are worth more than time together? Why would you do that.

OP do NOT tell your 6 year old that you want to chuck her out of the house and make her spend hours and hours with complete strangers because sweets and icecream are SSOOO vital that they matter more than her welfare