Working and DC refusing to go to club

[ChildcareIssues47]

School holidays are so stressful. We both work full time, DD is 6.

This week i'd booked her into a club linked to her hobby. She goes to standard holiday club usually but this week none of her friends were there and as we have 5 weeks to cover I thought she'd appreciate doing something different for one of them.

She'd been so excited, DH went to drop her off this morning... and came back home with her. She wasn't particularly distressed, said she'd felt sick and didn't want to go (she is not ill, it must have been nerves).

I work from home so am the one organising clubs and doing most drop offs and pickups which is a massive juggle. This was the first day DH stayed home to help as I had an unmovable work commitment this morning.

I'm feeling pretty annoyed with DH that he's now set the precedent that this is somehow optional. When tomorrow he'll be back in the office and it will be down to me to either convince her to go or juggle her at home all week with work...

Argh I honestly could cry! Not even sure what advice I am looking for, maybe just sympathy.

Yes, this!!! Why do you need to go to work, Mummy? To pay for the house, our food, the car, the holiday you just had etc etc.....also for the peace and sanity!

I think the problem with saying you work to pay for ice cream and treats is that your child can turn round and say "OK I won't have ice cream then"!

@cranberrypi your DC must have a very serious life, no treats or ice cream to choose when you get home from work... no treat visits to the park until late or days out at the weekend to enjoy time together. No anticipation for some fun activities once mum & dad are home... how sad.

Eh? logic bypass or what!

how did you get from me explaining mortgages to my 6 year olds (actually, at an age appropriate level, to my 4 year olds, normal 4 year olds, and perfectly capable of understanding)

to

I never took them to any fun activities and they had sad lives! Funnily enough, they don't say they had sad lives 😂and one graduated with a masters earlier this week and gave me quite a nice credit in his speech at the meal after.

You're husband is a wet lettuce. Attending childcare is not optional! Children young enough to require "looking after" should be in childcare if parents are working
It's not fair on the employer and it's not fair on the child because neither job nor child gets the requisite attention. I'm not at all surprised your husband found her presence distracting and annoying after a while but as he won't be WFH tomorrow it's suddenly your problem to fix! How annoying.

I dont have a heart of stone. I know it's normal for children to feel apprehensive about a new experience but letting them opt out so easily rather than firmly reassuring just perpetuates the issue. My kids are older but I've witnessed kids of friends who were let off doing anything they didn't like the idea of and trust me it hasn't served them well now they are young adults with zero qualifications and zero resilience.

My youngest is 10 and this summer holiday is the first that I've booked her into club for 3 days (rather than 5) a week because she's just old enough to keep herself occupied including doing online practice for her 11+. Obviously we've had the odd day in the past when one of the kids has been ill and I had to have them here when WFH but it's a struggle with little kids who need active care and attention.

What does your husband think the answer is?

I would go through the protocol with him because he sounds a bit dim.

Arrive with child and find responsible person to hand child over to.
Give child a kiss and a cuddle and say "I'll be back to get you at home time. Have fun"
Walk out the door. Without child.

Maybe he needs it rammed home that if you're doing clubs drop-off, you actually have to "drop off" the child. There isn't a scenario in which it's acceptable to return with them, unless they're actually unwell.

It's better for the kids too. It's shit for young children to be at home with two working parents.

This is a hard one.
I wouldn’t want to go to a new club even one linked to my hobby on my own. I would always take a friend and I’m 42 not 6, so I can see why your daughter might not want to go.
I equally see your point that she will enjoy it once she starts and that obviously you need to work.
I think that holiday clubs will always feel optional to children as not everyone goes. When I go into school to do my classroom there are never more than about 15 kids at the holiday club and the one at school is the only one in the village.
I think you can frame it as she is lucky to have more time to play with other children rather than being bored at home.
My children are older now but they always used to beg to go and play with the holiday club children they could see having fun rather than sort drawers in my classroom.

How come a 6 yo has choice?
If she needs to go it's your decision not her.
Dad is a brat.

Well this evening you tell her that tomorrow she can & will be going to one or the other, whether it makes her nervous or not, because you are working.
Its not negotiable.
Your H needs to take her. He mismanaged & your job is not a game any more than his is.

Always better to do a club with a friend

Mini blondes wouldn't go to a club that she knew no one and tbh I wouldn't put her in one - hobby or not

But

She does got to club twice a week due to work /me doing nights and have to sleep - has done for the last 2yrs each Easter summer and Xmas

I book with friends from school

She went to a diff one last week for 3 days when broke up - with friends but got cold feet and didn't want to go and cried

I felt bad but ......

I said she had to do it today (wed) but if she really hated it I wouldn't send her thur and Fri last week

It was for 2hrs and course when I picked her up she was all for it. Made some lovely craft stuff. Did singling and wanted to go back thur and Fri

Your dh was wrong to bring her back. I'm sure my dh would have been the same but I'm tougher

DD has always gone to clubs, occasionally without anyone she knows and is usually fine so it's not like we were throwing her at the deep end for the first time.

Just to say, when they are very young they are more flexible about going where they don't have friends. As they get older, in the same way they form stronger specific friendships, they also get more picky about who they want to spend time with. And this also applies to the other children attending, so even if your daughter continues to be happy to go without knowing someone (and it sounds as if she no longer is), she might find that other children stay in their friendship groups - although a good club should manage that issue.

He's usually not a twat and we share things 50-50 but school holidays are increasingly becoming a source of argument as he has started to assume my work is more flexible so I can do it all.

Best time of the month to deal with this attitude. Transfer your salary out of the joint account and explain to DH that as he is assuming your work is "lesser" and you can faff around and "do it all" on the child care you are going to assume that you can therefore be flexible about whether or not you contribute to the bills and he can "do it all" on the finances. Explain that you'll cough up your share when he drops the attitude and does his.

This made me laugh. It sounds obvious doesn't it? If you're going to drop off the child, make sure you don't come back with the child!

To respond to PP who asked why I didn't take her straight back, I had back to back calls most of the day and knew dropping her off would take more than 5 minutes to avoid the same outcome. I also imagined she'd be keener to go after realising how boring a day at home is when we're working, which she definitely has!

My job is way more flexible than DH's so I get it to some extent but I am also the main earner and the work doesn't magically get done!

If he had at least been apologetic I would have been understanding but there is a total lack of consideration. It's "I have to work so I can't deal with this". He used to be a lot better and message things like "are you still OK doing the pickup today?". He'd have no intention of doing the pickup but at least I didn't feel so taken for granted.

Just thought I'd update that I dropped off DD with no issues at all this morning. She even said I could leave before it even started, she was totally fine.

I'd deep down been a nervous wreck all morning wondering how it would go.

Such a relief, and it now feels like a real treat to be working and only have work to think about!

DH has messaged saying he could leave early and do pickup since he was no help this morning, so he's at least a little remorseful.

remorseful is good. And now he is in charge of booking clubs etc.

Glad it went well today. Your DD sounds great.

Excellent! Good for your DD and a relief for you!

Sometimes it’s just the wrong club. We had a carry on with my daughter in floods of tears and refusing to go to a multi sports camp at a tennis club she’d been going to since she was a toddler. It turned out the “coach” was actually a piece of work who only bothered with the ones who he thought he could turn into club players and was unduly harsh on the others. Didn’t know it at the time but we accepted that one just didn’t feel right. We had to try a few before finding one that stuck. Hobby based clubs have always being negative experiences for us. We’ve found one run by a school, open to everyone which is more like a playscheme, there are organised activities each day but it’s relaxed and they can either join in or do free play. I think hobby based ones are very structured, especially dance and drama where it’s like one long lesson and that can be a bit too much.

The DD went in happily today though @Oganesson118 , so less a case of it being the wrong club, and more a case of the DH not wanting to do ten minutes of basic parenting to jolly her along.

Has she seen the news from Southport? Could she be scared?

I hope to god a 6 year old has no idea of that!

Plus she was reluctant to go in yesterday morning before that happened, not today!

She is, so proud of her. Looking forward to hearing about it later, and hoping she's having a great time!

Yes this happened yesterday and she certainly hasn't heard anything about this. I've tried myself to hear as little as possible 😥 but must admit it did contribute to my anxiety this morning too.

Good result op