Need tips for surviving houseguest (MIL)

[coffeeandsleep]

MIL has flown to UK from a long way away and will be staying with us for 2 months on and off. We don’t have a spare room so she sleeps in the living room.

She is an overly positive and extroverted person and needs interaction, so will often strike up conversation with strangers when out and about (which some Londoners find strange!). I am very introverted and struggle with her full on chat, long winded anecdotes about people I don’t know and observations. There is constant background chatter and I feel obliged to engage.

The minute I wake up (well, my baby wakes up at 6am) I go to the living room to make breakfast and she starts a full on conversation with me… I am being spoken AT endlessly and I am trying to converse but I am groggy and need time. This then continues until I go bed. If I want to go for a walk with DH or have some alone time walking baby in pram, she’ll invite herself along.

I need some tips for how to cope. I am on day 2.5 and feeling completely drained. She doesn’t really help with baby either but to be fair I haven’t asked outright.

At the moment I am taking breaks away from it in the toilet or saying I need to nap in bedroom while baby naps etc.

Any other advice?

@eurochick thanks for sharing - sounds like a similar story. I do want to find ways to enjoy the time so I don’t look back when it’s too late and miss the visits, so I’ll take the advice given to make it easier for everyone :)

She's family, so I don't understand why you can't just tell her straight.

Just say to her "I need to be quiet when I first get up; I feel very delicate when I've just woken up, please can we just have some quiet time at the beginning of the day?

Then if she does it say "excuse me but we agreed to have quite time in the morning. will you please abide by what we agreed?"

She's in your house therefore she has to abide by your rules regardless of to how long she sat in a plane to get there.

You need to stop feeling bad. Your dh is a grown man with a mind of his own, living in Australia was clearly not a priority for him or he would have left the UK (in love or not) not being close to his family was also something that he was able to do and choose himself. It was his free choice.

The onus should not be on you feel guilt and obligation by hosting for months at a time! Honestly op, it is astonishing to me that you can have someone living in your longe for so long. Look at local B&Bs or a small air bnb and reduce the time.

In lieu of that take yourself away for a good chunk of the time and create some distance that way.

You need to work on your boundaries and self esteem.

I feel your pain. My MIL cannot do silence. Inane chatter all day every day just to fill silence, drives me bloody mad. Definitely find some baby classes. You could also start asking her to take the baby out for a walk in the pram.

I don't know why dh can't say we love you dm but we are so limited in space here, especially with the baby. I think it is time we considered what other options are available locally. I have seen x,y and z that might fit the bill.

I feel for you.

have vistors as well. so hosting an additional two teens and their parents.
9 people in the house.
luckily I 'have' to go to the office for an important meeting tomorrow.

you don't have a kit day by any chance?

I wouldn't think of, or speak of her 'helping' you by 'looking after the baby'

I'd be generously offering her the chance to get to know her dgc better, firstly by playing for 20 mins or so (you might need to pop out then so baby doesn't keep wanting you) then maybe a walk to the swings, then after a week or so like that, would she like to take baby to rhyme time/toddler group at church/swimming etc

we hear so often of MILs who are supposedly desperate for 1-1 time with their DGC, and it sounds like you have a sensible MIL who has some sense of boundaries re the baby, so I would be offering her opportunities rather than making requests.

Yep. I think this is the best approach. Otherwise you'll end up killing her.

Yes I would be the same, no way would I ask MIL to look after the baby and go out. Unless she asked first. Do think it's rather odd that so many people think it's just a given that she wants to look after her grandchild. Probably because not if my child's grandparents have ever asked to look after her and when I have occasionally asked they just say no.

I can imagine that it's tricky for MIL sleeping in the living room. Once you get up (and due to the baby, it's early) I imagine that she feels quite awkward. You have your bedroom to escape to. She doesn't have anywhere other than the room she sleeps in, that everyone shares with her during her waking hours (and earlier!) Maybe she feels it's rude to ignore your presence.

To be honest I'd find it harder to be her, than you. She has no private space at all. That would do my head in. I'd be spending hours on the toilet if I was her.

I hide and leave Dh to deal. MIL would not be visiting if dh wasn’t off full time all day with her. And even when she is here and Dh is here, I avoid as much as possible. His job is hosting and talking and my job is food shopping and cooking, so I am left alone. Dh also tries to hide (so do the kids 😂) because no one wants to spend time with her, but I always win because not my family. Sometimes I just get in the car and drive away.

Honestly, I think you need to hide in your room (Dh up with baby at 6am, brings you coffee, I absolutely never get out of bed when MIL is here until after I’ve had a coffee in bed and he has made her breakfast, actually that rule applies for all of dh’s houseguests!). And then you need to vacate the house and leave her there alone/with dh because you have lots of errands, appointments that you need to do every day without her. Dh takes days off and takes them all out and you get a day of peace.

No KIT days unfortunately (it’s too long winded to explain)

@saraclara yes but if it’s so horrific for her, she could explore other options for accommodation. I don’t have the option to leave my own home. I don’t think she wants private space. When she did have her own room in the past and she heard me get up with the baby to go to living room, she would immediately join me and start the talking at me.