Need tips for surviving houseguest (MIL)

[coffeeandsleep]

MIL has flown to UK from a long way away and will be staying with us for 2 months on and off. We don’t have a spare room so she sleeps in the living room.

She is an overly positive and extroverted person and needs interaction, so will often strike up conversation with strangers when out and about (which some Londoners find strange!). I am very introverted and struggle with her full on chat, long winded anecdotes about people I don’t know and observations. There is constant background chatter and I feel obliged to engage.

The minute I wake up (well, my baby wakes up at 6am) I go to the living room to make breakfast and she starts a full on conversation with me… I am being spoken AT endlessly and I am trying to converse but I am groggy and need time. This then continues until I go bed. If I want to go for a walk with DH or have some alone time walking baby in pram, she’ll invite herself along.

I need some tips for how to cope. I am on day 2.5 and feeling completely drained. She doesn’t really help with baby either but to be fair I haven’t asked outright.

At the moment I am taking breaks away from it in the toilet or saying I need to nap in bedroom while baby naps etc.

Any other advice?

Good tip there, get breakfast stuff stashed in your room. Bottle warmer kettle whatever u need to give u an extra couple hours respite. Breakfast bars, fruit anything, just so u don't need to come out.

Sidethought, do u think she chats so much cos she is nervous herself with you and trying not to feel weird herself ?

Surely, step 1 is your DH getting up with the baby every morning, so he can spend time with his mum while she's visiting; presumably he then goes to work and leaves you to entertain his mother for the rest of the day?

Then your DH needs to ask his mum to pitch in with the baby.

"Mum can you take the baby for a walk to the park today and babysit on X night so we can have a much needed date night?" Etc

In the morning make some tea and breakfast and take it back up to bed but be sure to give mil the baby to talk to first. Say something like "mil it's great that you're such an early bird, can you watch x for me while I go and get ready?".

To get some peace in the day get some noise cancelling headphones and tell her you need to listen to your audio book while cooking or something....let her chat away to dh and the baby instead.

Also confide in her that you want to get back in shape after the baby and would she babysit while you go to a class or the gym. Then just go out (to the gym or for a coffee...anywhere to get a break).

I don't understand why you can't just say 'sorry MIL, it takes me a while to come round in the morning so don't be offended if I don't interact with you too much first thing'?
And, 'do you mind just watching baby while I put the tea on/taking baby for a walk while i nap?'
Or, 'I'm just having an hour to myself. Be back soon'?

DH should be the one helping her to find things to occupy her time.

And next time, DO NOT agree to a visit where DH swans off to work to leave you with the hosting duties for his family.

my DH is working doesn't explain much. He's not working away is he?

So why doesn't he go and make breakfast in with her at 6am, and bring something into you in your bedroom so that you at least get a calmer start to the day. It sounds like you're taking pretty much full responsibility for her experience over here.

The suggestions of resorting to hiding in your bedroom with snacks and a kettle is just beyond ridiculous btw.

WHY have you agreed to this op?
It is just insane.
TWO whole months !!!!!!
I would be asking dh to come up an alternative plan, and host her over one weekend and that is all.

Or take a well earned two month break and enrol at the gym and spa and leave her to it.

The consensus seems to be it’s ok to be assertive and ask direct ‘can you babysit so I can do X, Y, Z’ so I will be more assertive.

I just told DH I need a break so he took MIL and baby out for a walk, and I did a home workout. They got home when I was mid workout and she tried interacting but I had headphones on and said sorry I’m not able to interact because of the headphones…

Actually we alternate the morning wake ups so that is a bit better. He works from home most of the time so he will actually be in the flat so I may ask him to spend lunch break with her etc.

We’re sharing ‘custody’ of her with DH sibling but due to reasons I won’t go into, she’s here for bulk of the time. So it’s 2 months on and off. I did agree as I feel bad for her being far away from baby and my family is here - so I’ve bought the suffering on myself, just taking the coping tips from this thread

Just get on with it? Or ask your husband why he agreed to your MIL staying for such a long time in your tiny living space without discussing with you?

Routine - get her into walking the baby for 20 mins every morning - good for her, good for the baby, good for you ! Find her something social do do on her own, book club - volunteering - etc

I had to have relatives staying for 3 months last year.

Tips:

Mini fridge in your room with iced coffees in it, yoghurts, other bits.
Granola bars and pastries in your room.
Decent noise cancelling headphones for your room.
Lock on door.
Early nights, I was going to bed at 9pm. Mini wines in fridge in room.

Hey MIL, I'd love for you and baby to bond while you're here. How would you feel about taking her for a walk etc in the evening. Then I can get some time to do x.

Or ask your DH to ask her to help.
Hopefully she isn't helping a lot because she is worried about stepping on toes

Me and my ex used to live with MIL & she was exactly the same. The second I woke up she would rattle on at me about people I didn't know or things I couldn't give a shit about. I remember going to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and she started a full on convo and tried to get me to look through pictures on her phone.

She also didn't understand privacy and walked in on me and EP on a number of occasions when we were having sex.

I remember I would literally stay in my room with my then baby to avoid her, luckily I moved out shortly after DD was born.

This. You're all adults, and noone would expect 3 adults to inhabit a 1 bedroom flat for 2 months without some ground rules.

Be specific with her about the help you'd like, a combo of baby and non-baby? I suspect she'll be delighted to be pointed towards how she can be most appreciated.

And given that she's there for a while, channelling her need for socialising and chat by directing her towards some local hobby groups is an excellent idea.

Also makes total sense for you and DH to have a night away and for her to have a night away.

Extroverts can find it hard to appreciate just how much introverts need silent time.

She's already described as the 'surviving houseguest' - the OP might be open to your suggestions!

Next time she invites herself along just say “ not today mil, it’s mummy and me time so baby and I will just be alone “ and repeat everytime.
you have to put in boundaries now so things do not escalate

So is your DH Australian and you asked him to live in the UK because you wanted to be near your family? If that's the case (and it wasn't clear in the post where you said you felt guilty) then the long stay comes with the territory I'm afraid.

But yes, I've had guests staying before that I've just warned that I'm not a morning person, and if they've started yattering at me, I've simply reiterated it and told them that I'm sorry, I need time to come round. There's no reason for anyone to be offended at that.

I would also ask her to help. If she’s up early every day could you just say how much you would appreciate the help as your very tired ( excuse to read and relax in bed) and would like time to get xyz admin done ( excuse to do anything on laptop). So maybe she could take baby out for a hour each morning after breakfast? Suggest nice walks, or parks or cafes she can walk baby to etc.

I would also just chat and see what her plans are. You can say that you always have some things some mornings or afternoons already and see if she wants suggestions of places she can go alone locally a few hours. Then suggest something you can do together the next day or so. Plus send dh and his mum out for dinner once a week alone, say you will stay with baby and rest.

She sounds nice enough but I can see should would be annoying. I'd be a bit more honest.
She is on holiday mode and you're not. I'd ask if she minded helping out with the baby. Maybe ask he to take the baby for a walk or to feed him.
I have the best Mum in the whole world but her stories can be way too long winded. I just tell her. 🫣 It's in everyone's interests.
My MIL used to talk 'at' me a lot when I was younger and I would be too polite.id read at the same time but I didn't actively tell her I wanted some peace and quiet. I think I would now. Can you husband take her out in the evening?

I could have written the same posts about my mil. She lived overseas too but closer so I don't think she ever stayed for more than a week.

She would also chat to strangers and tell long anecdotes. She would also talk at me first thing in the morning when I am NOT a morning person.

I was upfront about the morning thing and just said I can't string a sentence together until I've been up and hour and had some coffee and a shower. She got that and backed off first thing. I nodded and smiled through her anecdotes.

I really liked her but found it quite difficult having her in my space. She loved our daughter and I took the view that she saw her rarely so took a back seat when granny was here, which worked for us both.

The end of this story is that granny sadly died suddenly a year ago. I found her visits difficult but now I miss them. My advice would be to get her to focus on bonding with the baby and spending time with her son and grandchild while you leave them to it to the extent possible. And engage with her to the extent you are comfortable with. You will both be happier.

Speak up. She doesn't know what you want, need or are thinking. She cannot know unless you tell her. She can't guess what you want, because she's so different from you.

People people, like her, are usually fine with directness. They welcome it.

Thanks all- yes I’ve started doing the early night thing to wind down in bedroom and have some me time.

@FairFuming yes I think she’s not offering to help as she’s afraid to step on toes (can be tricky territory for a MIL) so ball is in my court now to be more direct and ask.

@saraclara yes my DH is Australian but we met in London when he was working here. I think he would have returned there had he not have met me and settled down here. That’s why I feel guilty, so I agree with you I feel it comes with the territory.

You need to speak up and your DH needs to be doing much more - it's his mum!

"Mum, OP isn't much of a morning person - could you give her an hour or so to wake up when she comes downstairs?"

"Mum, I'd love it if you could take the baby to X place tomorrow morning, to do Y thing. Baby loves it and we could really use the break."

And so on.