Early 30s, deciding to have children or not in an unconventional relationship

[LilacWriter]

I spent most of my 20s working and living in other countries then came home late 20s.

Since then I am growing a decent career with a good salary and my professional hobby has taken off. I'm an 'emerging' artist so I've started been invited to do artist residencies in other countries.

My partner is an academic in his first tenure track job and as a result we live 3 hours apart. Regardless we spent about a week or more together every month and it works well. We enjoy nice holidays and a relaxed lifestyle.

But now I'm 32 and while not very broody I worry about regretting not having a child. I like the idea of forming a family with my partner and I think he'd be a great dad. I sometimes daydream about him with our child and both sets of potential grandparents have made it clear they'd be on hand to support. I also think I'll never experience a core part of existence if I don't do it.

On the other hand I think we both have a great life now and I worry my artist life will go down the pan once I become a mother. I feel it's a core part of how I am. How to decide?

To be clear the unconventional part is the fact we currently live apart

So you are both out of the country regularly, neither of you broody and don't want to change your lifestyle? Sounds like a non starter, really, although the fact that you are asking might mean that you are more broody than you realise.

This isn't particularly unconventional though, no different to oil workers, or army families, etc.

Looking it from the child's viewpoint I wouldn't no

Clearly we would need to bridge the distance gap if we decide to have kids.

I'm not very broody, but does that mean I shouldn't have kids? Maybe it does. Or maybe it just means I would be a good mother even if I'm not as broody as some?

My partner is probably broodier than me overall. He has stated he is happy to do either but spends a lot of time talking babies lately.

I agree with this. I know many families where one parent or the other is abroad for a period of time- diplomat families, army, oil riggers, professional sportspeople. It's not that unusual and can work. But, assuming you are the primary parent, you need to think how it will impact you to be parenting alone alot of the time. I was fortunate that when DS1 was born DH worked abroad about 6 weeks (in one block) a year but I had terrible PND and absolutely NO support and I found it a very big struggle at times.

On the broody front- I was 37 when I had Ds1. I was not broody, but DH was. I was completely neutral about it. Turns out I am hugely maternal. Bit of a surprse to be honest! And having children is the best thing that ever happened to me.

@HMTheQueenMuffin so to explain we both live in the UK. I can work almost completely remotely so can spend a lot of time at his house. He can do this less but when he can spends a week at my house.

He is out of the country maybe 5 times a year for conferences. For me it's more like twice. Also my partner has something of a say in how much travel he does so if we had kids I'd expect this to reflect his priorities/find a balance.

Sounds to me like you're just not ready - yet.
You're still young & sounds like your art career is really taking off which is amazing!
I'd revisit the idea in a few years time & see where you're at. Even talk through a plan with your partner.
You'd really need to live together I think & he or grandparents would need to be around & be flexible if you needed to jet off etc for your career. Its definitely doable & you're young still so is definitely possible.

For me @HMTheQueenMuffinI'm not very broody but I don't want to put off having kids then find I'm not able once I reach mid to late 30s.

So I feel like if it says towards yes am I not better trying sooner than later?

My aunt (who I've had lots of things in common with genetically) tried at 38 and it was a non starter

Nothing needs to go down the pan once you're a mother if you don't want it to & if you have a supportive spouse & supportive family around.

I think you should both have a serious talk about what you want - if you do have a child together where will you both live, how would you split the childcare, finances, who would take time off when they are sick etc etc.. Having a child is wonderful in many ways but it is very hard work and will change your lives dramatically.. often (but not always) this change disproportionately affects women and will certainly impact your career for a while at least. So it’s important to be realistic about what you would be taking on and how your lives and relationship will change.

@shivermetimbers77 yes, I have never initiated the conversation because how could I when I myself am not sure what I want? But I realize it's reaching a point now where we need to talk..

I have a fairly easy life. I lie in on the weekend, create my art, work, meet friends in the evenings, have full flexibility of my own life. Sometimes I wonder how I'd feel about trading all that in but then I suppose many people do exactly that.

@BurntOrangeAutumn it's nice to hear you think I'm young!

I am an academic with kids. In some ways the flexible working hours make it v easy, especially if you have family support. My main concern is how liable yoir partner is to find a permanent job in the next few years. Bouncing between postdocs would be less than ideal.

Art residencies abroad will take the back seat for years TBH. Very few are family-friendly.

@NomenNudum he is an assistant professor hoping to become a professor eventually. The current position is for at least two years I believe. But yes then the question is what next?

Yes he does seem to have a good amount of flexibility. And he has said he expects the man to do in his fair share or even more of the share if possible.

I know @NomenNudum

I know of one that has started a creche but the rest are all adults only.

Go for it.

Another consideration : you ll hit peri menopause at mid 40s, and your nurturing hormones will dip as will your energy levels. It is hard to parent small children and balance perimenopause at the same time, with older grandparents whose energy is dipping too. Do it while everyone is young and can be hands on.

Sounds as if you both have a really great life.

I would go for it, children adapt because it is all they know.

Be prepared for you both to make compromises, but also to be creative and take a risk around the life your child will need. Your child will experience some great things.

You also have another 4 years once the child is born to consider schooling, which may tie you both down more…or you might home Ed.

I can think of many situations that children shouldn't be born into or live in, this is certainly not one of them.

Enjoy it!

I think the more important thing to consider here is the fact you've not lived together! Your 'easy life' you mention sounds amazing and i remember feeling like that, and loving my relationship too. But partly because of the separation inbetween seeing them, and the freedom to still do whatever I liked half the time. (And when you do see your partner you both put each other first so enjoy each other's company!).

I REALLY think you need to live together for a couple of years (so the novelty has worn off) before you decide whether to have children together.

Do we really need to live together before it's really necessary though?

We've spent up to 2.5 weeks together before. When we are together for a week or more we share the cooking and chores etc. How different is it likely to be?

I don't know @Smidge001 maybe you are right and I'm being naive. But I'm not sure two years of living together first would be crucial.

We had a similar set up, albeit living together. I went abroad twice or three times a year professionally. Grandparents nagged for a baby, promised us endless help (unprompted!)

When he arrived, they decided they didn’t want to go back to the baby days. I’ve done two trips abroad in 2.5 years, both with DH & DS, but having them means I’m a lot less likely to be invited. It’s had a horrific effect on my career. We’re actually set up to prioritise my career but people presume that as I have a toddler, I can’t do certain things or won’t be as committed.

I don’t regret having him; he’s brilliant, but I do lament the huge impact on my career that I was certain wouldn’t happen. There was no reason for it to be impacted. I was even back at work after eight weeks, so there wasn’t a huge period where I needed to be replaced, etc.

My career was impacted for 7 or so years but is now more or less back on track. My mindset has been for everything there is a season. Biggest change now is I only do short-haul but I would probably not do much long haul these days anwway for environmental reasons.

What do you mean by “tenure track” job? Those are common in the USA, but in the UK it’s either a permanent job, or a temp post (and there is no guarantee of a permanent one at the end of most of those).

You say you’d need to organise your living arrangements so where he’s working and for how long, and where he might have to go next, is important. Are you tied to a location or can you move?

Edited to say that you don’t have to live together but would you be happy being pretty much a single parent, or barely seeing your child? Those seem like the two options if you don’t live together.

Sorry just seen your updates about him being an assistant professor. You’re using the language of the US system which is making it confusing. Sounds like he’s a post doc like another poster says. Here he will not be a professor until he has been a lecturer, senior lecturer and an associate prof or reader (discipline specific). So you mean he doesn’t yet have a permanent job. Is he being entirely transparent with you about his position? I’m concerned your unusual use of terminology could come from him being less than transparent.

Depending on the discipline permanent jobs can be hard to come by and people can be required to move to the other end of the country if something comes up, so this is a big consideration.

@EveningSpread I didn't know it was American. He's also listed as Assistant Professor on the UK uni website. He did a postdoc last year and I'm fairly sure it's different.

It does warrant a conversation because previously im sure he said it was tenure.

In terms of living together I was referring to the PP saying we need to live together for years before a child. I accept we should live together to have the child.

He has some remote working flexibility and I have more - I can work from home most of the time aside from the occasional day in the office. I do have a house in this city which is a tie.