Early 30s, deciding to have children or not in an unconventional relationship

[LilacWriter]

I spent most of my 20s working and living in other countries then came home late 20s.

Since then I am growing a decent career with a good salary and my professional hobby has taken off. I'm an 'emerging' artist so I've started been invited to do artist residencies in other countries.

My partner is an academic in his first tenure track job and as a result we live 3 hours apart. Regardless we spent about a week or more together every month and it works well. We enjoy nice holidays and a relaxed lifestyle.

But now I'm 32 and while not very broody I worry about regretting not having a child. I like the idea of forming a family with my partner and I think he'd be a great dad. I sometimes daydream about him with our child and both sets of potential grandparents have made it clear they'd be on hand to support. I also think I'll never experience a core part of existence if I don't do it.

On the other hand I think we both have a great life now and I worry my artist life will go down the pan once I become a mother. I feel it's a core part of how I am. How to decide?

It's both necessary and essential. You need to get past that honeymoon stage/being a visitor in another person's home to see how they are and if you can build a life with them.

Of course you both muck in with chores when you're cooking a lovely curry and gazing into each other's eyes and making sure your place is already lovely and snuggly before the other person gets there...

It's about who takes the bin out, who cooks on a vile Tuesday night when there's shite all in the fridge, who picks up the mental load?

Of course, there's nothing to say you have to live together to raise a child, but from the sounds of it that's what you want to do. Actually living physically close to each other but doing 50/50 care would probably be better for your art...

I really wouldn't even consider having a child with someone you've not spent more than 2.5 weeks in a row with.

I know what you're saying @HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf but we aren't just guests in the others homes.

He always does chores and takes out bins when he's here because he stays for a week or more. We've already cooked on a Tuesday night when we have work the next day.

Yeah you raise a good point about living near each other as an option. The problem is academia and where he will end up. One to talk about.

You are right to try to weigh up pros and cons but it is really a gut decision in the end. And yes, sooner rather than later.
You are able to work from anywhere, you can work at any time and you might have the ability, by how you time commissions, to control the flow of work. Your partner has some ability to work remotely too. How much day to day use all the grandparents will be depends on how close they are to your partners work as that may determine where you are based.
Sounds like any child would have a lovey enriching upbringing.

When DD was born DH travelled a lot, 6-8x a year. When she was 16 months I started to travel again, often 2x a months for 4 days in a row, DH's travel got less, it's now around 4x a year.

For 3.5 years we both did a lot of travelling but had to ensure we always had enough time together and a solid childcare set-up. No grandparents or any other family locally at all.

It does work, DD got parented differently as we both have different styles but the general set-up was obviously the same and with nursery in place there was a consistancy in her life as well.

But - we both have 9-5 jobs, that helps as well as there is limited overtime, no weekend work.

If you do it you need to start living together, you need childcare sorted and a very good and honest talk about finances, responsibilities and at least some medium term planning about his future.

If the idea is that you would live together after having a child, then I do think you need a decent stint of time living together before having one (and before being pregnant). Being exhausted and/or awash with hormones is not a recipe for peace and harmony and isn't the ideal time to be starting that new dynamic. It's also not clear how much you've talked about connecting (or otherwise) your finances?

In terms of your work situations I don't think there's anything that problematic or remarkable here but what strikes me most is that at the moment you're talking in terms of this lovely free independent life where you hook up for a couple of weeks now and then, and you don't seem particularly keen to change that? What do you actually see a future with your partner looking like, and is it something you actually want?

He always does chores and takes out bins when he's here because he stays for a week or more. We've already cooked on a Tuesday night when we have work the next day.

But it's still only for a week - that's absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. You still spend the vast majority of your time apart and have never spent longer than two weeks or so in each others' company.

I really, really would recommend that you live together for at least a year before you even think about having a baby.

Tbh I wouldn't if you want to progress in an art career. Most women I know
who have creative careers don't have children (the ones who do have very supportive family or partners, or family money to pay for help, or family links in the industry for a leg up). There are a lot of events that happen at weekends and evenings, when standard childcare isn't available, and residencies are important and not very compatible with young dc's needs, or school/extracurricular commitments.
Academia is separately a difficult career to mix with parenting, at least until he has a permanent job. So both together will be difficult.
If you aren't feeling broody at this stage then I would focus on your career. There are also all sorts of risks that come with being a parent - having a child with disabilities, damage to your physical or mental health. Most parents take on those risks because they are desperate for a family but if you aren't then it seems a bit unnecessary to take the risk as it could be incompatible with an art career.

PPs talking about finances make a very, very good point: aligned expectations and attitudes here are vital. How much do you really know about each other in terms of money?

Yes OP, I really do think it's essential you live together first without children, if you are planning to choose to live together with them. Honestly, a couple of weeks together here and there when you have your own space the rest of the month really isn't anything like living together.

I really think living together will likely have a greater impact on your life than the children - and given that is something you can test out first, my recommendation stands.