Single mum, days out with 4 year old, I'm knackered at the end of the day! Am I doing the right thing?

[BarbaraVineFan]

I'm a 44 year old single mum to a wonderful DD who is nearly 5. (Didn't in a million years expect to be a single mum when I had her, but there you go!) She doesn't see her dad except on video chat as he lives abroad, and I don't have family help so it is all on me basically.

DD is amazing, hilarious and fun, but has a LOT of energy. When we are in the house, she likes to do crafts and painting etc, and will concentrate on these for a long time, but obviously you can't do that all day, and it's messy and requires a lot of input from me. She will play with toys for a short time but isn't very good at playing on her own for long periods - I would say max 20 mins or so is about her limit.

The upshot of all this is that I tend to have a 'schedule' of breakfast followed by colouring/drawing while I clear up and get sorted, then we head out of the house for the day at about 10-10.30ish. Usually we go to a park or a forest or somewhere like that, very occasionally to something more expensive. Sometimes we have playdates etc. We take a picnic or have a sandwich in a cafe, DD carries on playing or we go for another walk or whatever, and then we head home for about 4.30-5pm for a bit of TV, dinner, and the bedtime routine.

My problem is that I am absolutely KNACKERED by the time DD is asleep (usually around 8pm if I'm lucky) but then I still have to do lots of household jobs, washing up, tidying, vacuuming cat hair etc. Often I can't be bothered to do anything more than the minimum, so I'm constantly irritated by the house not being as clean as I would like,.

I am starting to wonder whether to try to spend more time indoors with DD, but when we do so, I don't feel as though I get much done either, as she needs a lot of my attention. How does everyone else do it? I was wondering if i could get some ideas of how to manage my days with DD a bit better - or do I just have to stick it out until she's older?

Sorry, just realised that was rather long!

Following as very similar here! Aside from Dd is 6 and I’m not a single mum (although May as well be a lot of the time!)

Aw you sound like you're doing such a good job but I'm not surprised you're knackered.

Do you have a garden?

I had a yard when ds was that age right in front of the kitchen window so I would sometimes let him play there with chalks or his sandpit while I did a few jobs.

He loved his train track so we did do a balance with indoor play too. Don't feel guilty if you need to put cbeebies on for an hour.

Does she start school after summer?

Solidarity @Whatthefisthis ! It's so hard isn't it

I used to make dens quite often. We had a tent in the garden and I used to put some nice books and toys in there and have a chill in the summer.

Can DD "help" you with the housework?

@Mumteedum sadly we don't have a garden as such - we live in a maisonette in a development with lovely communal gardens, but because I'm one floor up from the garden, I can't let her outside on her own. There are other kids here who play out in the communal gardens, but they are all at least 3 years older.

She does start school in September, yes.

It's so difficult, especially at that age. Can you get her involved in the household cleaning? My 5 year old loves to have "jobs" to do around the house. We clean together, with breaks for kitchen disco time, or playing a game. She also doesn't go to sleep until after 8, but at least the jobs are all done so I can relax once she is asleep.

I do think it's important that they start to learn how to entertain themselves at this age - could you set her up with a project that she can do at home by herself over a few days. Maybe a crafty project, with multiple steps or give her a flowerbed in your garden if you have one that she has to take ownership of.

@KnickerlessParsons she is quite good at helping with laundry, and will happily fetch and carry things for me or sweep the floor with the carpet sweeper, but I really need to do the 'proper' cleaning on my own.

I think you just need to accept this is what life is like now and deal with the house not being that clean etc. Absolutely the most important thing in your life is spending time with her.

Where possible, automate - robot hoover, dishwasher, easy meals etc. if you can afford a cleaner, get one. Tidy as you go along as much as possible.

In my experience, primary school wears them out and weekends become more chilled out, plus they rapidly become more independent.

That sounds good @Decidedlydex . What kind of jobs does your DC do? I'll have a think about a project, maybe - good idea! Thanks x

I think you'll get good advice from others, but I just wanted to say you sound like such a good mum.

Does the school she's going to have a holiday club? Ours didn't but he used to go to another one. Don't feel guilty if you could arrange a couple of days in a club to give you a break. I know it costs money which might not be possible but some councils have discounts for kids who will get free school meals.aybe worth a look.

@BurbageBrook thank you, that's really kind and means a lot.

I had a similar routine with my eldest, who is now 6. We've always spent most of the day out, it passed the time quicker and we have loads of kids activities locally and I liked to try everything out. But we also used plenty of nursery hours and drop-off activities by age 2 so there was less reliance on me to interact all the time, or to think up activities.

At age 4 she had one activity a day after school and at weekends, and she went to summer activity camps during school holidays (school hours). Then she'd still ask to go to the park afterwards!
I would look into some drop-off activities to help her burn some energy - perhaps swimming lessons, dance or gymnastics.

OP it sounds like you are building a lovely life for your child. It really isn’t easy raising a kid alone, working and trying to fit it all in round her.
You say that you don’t have family around but that doesn’t mean you don’t have anyone per se. Your village doesn’t need to be family (we found that out up the other end of the scale with elderly care). Is your kid friends with others from pre school and they could play together. Friends with kids? Anything that takes the 100% pressure off you.

@Mumteedum i do sometimes put her in holiday club but you're right that it's expensive. She's not on free school meals. I'm a teacher so I'm on holiday too, which helps a lot with childcare expenses but does mean that i really need to use the odd holiday club day to do my prep work, displays, planning etc rather than housework.

I have my kitchen set up so that she can unload the dishwasher very easily. She loves to spend ages dusting and wiping down the skirting boards and often asks if she can do the washing up. I set her up with a soapy bucket and she has a lovely time. Any jobs really that are safe for her to take ownership of completely that I can then lavish her with praise for after. I think they love to feel responsible/ independent at that age. Obvious any jobs she does take about 10 times longer than it would for me to do but it does leave me open to do other jobs. Me taking on-board her suggestions/ideas for what she can do to help has been very valuable too because they love to feel in control.

Hi @heivern , in school time she already spends 7.45-5pm in school (preschool up until now) as I have to put her in breakfast club and after school club every day in order to get my job done. Unfortunately this all costs money and I don't have enough left for her to go to many paid activities in the holidays.

Personally I would mostly go out for a half day either morning or afternoon depending on what you are doing, not a full day. That will be enough to burn off her energy and she will probably settle down to do some quieter activities. Even if you do have to give some input you can do some of it sitting down, or do a quick chore while she is doing a drawing or something.

Also making things for people she loves, drawing pictures or pressing flowers or making cards and collages are all things that keep her occupied

In our house we have “dishwasher disco”. We put on music and I try to do the dishwasher whilst the children dance like loons. Everyone ‘helps’ sort, loaf, hang, fold and put away laundry.

For an easy morning we invite other children around to play with ours. If you do this often enough the other families reciprocate and take yours to return the favour.

Find fun games that involve you doing less. I like to be a baby and sleep and say wahh. Or the patient who needs bandages wound around my legs.

Thanks @otravezempezamos . She does have lots of friends that she sees, yes. I would say over the summer she will probably have about 6 play dates.

I see. I'm a lecturer. I can relate 🙈

I am single mum and had no help either and absolutely none at that age.

I think you're perhaps just doing such a good job maybe you can just consider lowering your standard a bit. Don't burn yourself out. Teaching is a full on job. You deserve to chill a little if you can.

Robot hoover? And try not to worry about the housework so much. Stop ironing if you haven't already! 😉

Nice thing too ... indoor picnic. Rug on the floor... Get her to 'help'... Involve her teddies. 🙂 At least you get a sit down!

What about trips to garden centres ? Children can do surveys of flowers and plants tick box colours and practice counting etc. you can even take a tape measure and practice measuring hight of plants, lengths of leaves etc. Best of all there’s usually a cafe at such establishments with cake. If you take photos of her favourite plants she could then come home and draw them.