What would you do - upcoming holiday and mental breakdown

[Crampulet]

Hello, I am in a fog and can't sew clearly, so hoping someone else might. I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately and feeling overwhelmed with everyday life. We have small children and no family support, so we are burnt out with work and homelife. Two sudden bereavement of close friends have now pushed me to breaking point. I have taken a week off work as sick leave, but don't feel any better for it. We have a booked holiday coming up in a few days visiting close family abroad and I feel completely unable to prepare for it. All of it overwhelms me and I don't even know where to start. Partner just as burnt out, so between us we are getting nowhere. Deep down I would like to cancel the trip, but it would affect too many people. It would also make me feel extremely guilty as these are important family relationships (our parents) and who knows for how much longer we will have them. We only manage to see them once a year. I don't know what to do, I am contemplating not travelling with partner and children, but follow them a few days later. Not sure partner would cope with this though, as not in any a better place mentally right now, although generally a much more resilient person than I am. What would you do? Would you try to plough through and hope the trip brings some rest? (It usually doesn't, but tends to be a welcome change of scenary.)

How old are the children? Can they pack for themselves? And so you just pack for yourself? Give the kids a list?

They are 3 and 5, so can't really pack unfortunatelly.

Can they come to you?

Thank you for responding. No, unfortunately they can't, this is part of the problem. Ill health on both sides of the family, so even when we are there, we can't actually leave the children alone with the grandparents because they wouldn't cope. So for us it is sometimes even more stressful as we are having to think of things and logistics that we wouldn't when we are in our own home. But with all the ill health it makes us think even more to make the most of the time we have with them.

Sleep on it tonight. If you still feel the same tomorrow, cancel the trip. It’s much more important that you both are healthy and well and that your children have their parents in a good place able to be fully well and present in their lives. Your family, deep down, also would be much better having you visit when you are okay and not falling apart. There will be other trips. But you come first.

Try to push through to get packed and then all head out together. Can you tell your parents and the ILs that you are both burnt out and need a couple of days rest before you get stuck into any activities or visits?

We have family all over and nobody minds if someone visits but needs a few quiet days with nothing planned.

Fair enough, it may sound odd but do you have a cleaner or can maybe a neighbour give you a hand with the packing? If not, keep it light, right down to bare essentials.
I would say you should go because sometimes change in scenery helps enormously with MH. It sounds tough, I hope it gets better for you x

Thank you for the suggestions. I am also thinking of ploughing through. However, quiet days don't really exist with the little ones, so once we are off it is full on for us for the entire period.

@RadRad Thank you for your kind words. I think what overwhelms me the most is that we need housesitting for our pets but didn't manage to get one person for the whole period, so are having to patch up days between people and make arrangements with each separately. I am too overwhelmed to even start thinking what notes to write up or what to prepare. Previous years we were very lucky to have friends cover the house sitting.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds like you've had a very difficult time and I can completely relate to just how overwhelming it can feel to prep for a trip with young children when you are hanging on by your fingernails. I've been there myself more than once.

For what it's worth, I think you should go. This is without a doubt the hardest bit. Once you are actually on your way, you'll be able to relax a little, and any hiccups you do encounter you'll deal with if and when they arise.

The problem is is that right now your mind is in overdrive (over)thinking of everything. It might help to think about what the absolutely essential preparation is - that might be nothing more than packing your passports (if you'll need them), any essential medicines and a phone charger. Toothbrushes and a change of clothes. Arraging travel insurance and making sure that there is enough food for the pets and that the key is with whoever it needs to be.

Literally everything else could be sorted out later if needed, including talking your house sitters through things on the phone while you are on route if it comes to it.

Once you've got the essentials nailed down, you will hopefully feel a bit more able to start thinking about what else would be useful - more clothes, swim stuff, a few children's toys and books etc.

It feels so daunting now but you'll feel so much better once you are on your way.

@pastaandpesto Thank you so much, this is really helping. We are in such a haste right now, I just want to curl up and disappear. There is also things to think about like presents and stuff, all just too much. I can't believe I actually used to love travelling! I am also dreading the come back, that this will be our holiday for the year and our supposed rest.
But tonl keep focussed, thank you, I will try to think of the essentials and take it from there.

@Crampulet right I am telling you in my stern but kindly voice, seriously FORGET THE PRESENTS!! I absolutely understand where you are coming from because I have done exactly the same in the past, putting all kinds of demands on myself and then feeling completely overwhelmed by the high standards I set myself.

I am sure your family want to see you for YOUR sake, not for the gifts! Just be honest with with them and explain that you've been completely frazzled but would love to take them out for a special meal or whatever would be appropriate during your trip. Or stop at an M&S services on the drive and buy a nice tin of shortbread and some percy pigs.

Seriously you need to be ruthless about taking the load off yourself.

And if you are feeling overwhelmed at the thought of getting everything washed and ironed and packed, do what I do if I run out of time - take a bag of dirty laundry with you and wash it when you arrive!

You can do this!

@pastaandpesto Thank you so much, you are so kind and so right! I just don't know how to take the demand off myself. I seem to have a come back for everything just so that I keep the demand, how stupid is that!!+ (e.g. presents: it is our godchild's 18th, so don't want to fob it, laundry: the first week we are hosted by a friend and don't want to cause trouble with the washing). Ah, I feel like an absolute idiot that cannot manage the smallest thing!

At 18, I'm sure what your godchild would appreciate most is a few crisp notes in a birthday card. Win win!

And I'm sure your friends would be only to happy to let you use the washing machine if it makes your life a little bit easier.

Please don't call yourself an idiot, you're just knackered and overwhelmed and struggling to see the wood for the trees. We've all been there!

Thank you, your kindness is making me cry. Thank you for keeping me company tonight, I have had some dark thoughts I needed to snap out of. I will try to have a clearer focus tomorrow. ❤️

Can you make some lists

the first one the absolute minimum that you need to do. Including packing essentials, sorting the pets, getting money and passports sorted. Doing a couple of loads of laundry.

another list or two of things that will ideally be done, such as present buying. At the top of this list put things you will find easiest or even enjoy doing.

cut as many corners as you can over the next few days. Examples might include using the tumble dryer, buying really easy food, watching tv or keeping the children occupied with easy things. Any favours you can pull in e..g friend to babysit for a couple of hours in the day so you can get on?

Honestly - I think you should go if you can but you MUST throw your standards in the bin. This is for now and for future. I know this because I have been there.

You are burnt out because there aspects of of our life that are unsustainable.

This is where you throw your hands up and be very honest people that you are both struggling.

For now - sit down with pen and paper with your partner. List a week's worth of clothes for you both and kids. Do a plastic bag/tote bag for each person (or packing cubes if you have them) and pack them - clean or dirty. Friends will not care about a little bit of washing or find a local launderette.

Gather a separate bag of travel essentials - travel documents/ bank cards/ medication.

Small bag for each child: one comfort toy and one book. Pencils and paper.

Write out first couple of days for pet sitters and then tell them you will email rest once you're away.

Do not tidy up, eat freezer teas/pizza until you go away. Buy nothing new and no gifts.

Time with loved ones is so much more precious than things AND no-one benefits from a pretence.

Take care

@NCGrandParent put it better than me - some great ideas.

I also found once I started lowering standards it really helped me to focus and prioritise long term on what was important to me and what wasn’t.

@Nomorecoconutboosts I was just going to say same to you! I know you know what you're talking about! ❤️

@Crampulet get some rest tonight. Everything feels better once morning breaks. all of the posters with the ideas can do this because we have the benefit of hindsight and distance. We know how impossible it feels when you're in it.

Bless you, I'm glad it's helped a bit. You've had some more excellent advice and some more friendly encouragement to lower your standards!

And with the worry about coming back again, yes there is no getting round the fact it can suck a bit. But that's OK. One thing I do is try to make sure there is something very simple in the freezer (eg pizza) for the night we get back. (I'll grab milk from the garage on the drive home). Then when I'm actually away I organise an online shop to be delivered the morning after we get home, including a few treats to cheer us all up!

Thank you @NCGrandParent and @Nomorecoconutboosts ! Our standards are so low already, the house is a literal tip. It has always been messy if I am honest, but these recent bereavements have floored me beyond anything I would have imagined. So everything has just slipped.
You are right, a sleep is needed, I will head to bed. Thank you so much for eveyone's support tonight, it has really helped me.

Oh and final thought from me, try and fit some small breaks in for yourself over the next few days. You may feel pressure to push on through but you’ll more likely feel overwhelmed. When you make breakfast for the dcs for example, sit down yourself with tea and toast or whatever. If you make them a pasta lunch or chop some fruits - do some for yourself.Don’t start rushing off to scrub the bath or do the ironing! Eat regularly the few minutes breathing space each time you have a break will sustain you more than racing about.

@pastaandpesto I love that next morning grocery delivery, we do it too! 😁 I know I said I dread the post-holiday period, but actually love the return to our owm home.