Couldn't understand neighbour and feel stupid.

[ThatsGoneAndDo]

I'm starting off by saying I am not well, mentally. I have Autism, chronic anxiety, OCD, agoraphobia and depression.

My husband is basically my carer and he's gone away for the weekend. If anyone ever knocks on I don't answer, he does.

We are new to the area and I don't engage with the neighbours, I just find it too difficult to socialise, so neighbours know DH but not really me.

The neighbour next door just knocked on and asked for DH. I shouldn't have answered but they knew I was in.

He has a strong accent and my dogs were barking. He asked if we had xyz. And I couldn't hear what he said.

He said your husband said he had XYZ

I said I don't know he's not here.

I think he wanted to borrow something but I just didn't know what he was saying and I said sorry I don't know and just shut the door on him.

I feel so stupid. I panicked and he probably thinks I'm nutty and so rude :(

I thought he said white wash and my head was spinning and i was thinking turps or white spirit?? but I'm thinking now maybe he was asking to borrow the jet wash?

I don't know. I feel like a total tit.

Why can't I just be normal.

I did ask, he said it 3 times and I just couldn't understand him because of the noise and his accent.

If I was able to process things normally and not panic I wouldn't be ill would I?

OP, if the most trifling encounter is causing you this much stress, and you feel this vulnerable when your husband is away, this is no way to live. What are you doing about your various conditions? Is there a treatment plan? Do you have a therapist?

Are you having therapy or some kind of intervention because this is no way to live. You do have a baseline of social skills because you're married so you must have spoken/socialised to have a relationship.

When were you diagnosed and have you always struggled socially?

I've had 3 lots of online CBT therapy. 2 x 12 week courses of face to face CBT.
I start talking therapy next week.

I've always been shy but it's worsened over the last 10 years.

I just don't like people. I don't like talking to people, I don't like being around people.

Please tell your son not to pet guide dogs or assistance dogs though.

When they're collecting they invite you to pet, they're always outside my local morrisons and everyone makes a fuss because they're sat collecting, not working. With permission from owner.

They do say not to pet or distract when dogs are working but when they're chatting and invite you to do so it's not an issue.

This must be tricky, trying to maintain a level of politeness without giving away the fact that you dont like your fellow human beings.

How did you meet your dh if you dont like being around other people? How does he feel about his limited social life? Is he able to see his friends and family as I assume you wont see them?

But you’re a person. Your husband is a person. You’ve reached out to people on here in order to feel better — we’re all people.

I met my husband when I was in high-school.

It's not like I dislike them because I think they're horrible or anything. I just can't deal with the anxiety the interactions cause. It's too much of a burden so I just avoid them.

Some people find joy in people. I find it in my dogs and own family. I don't need any extra input from the outside.

You misunderstand- they were sitting comfortably collecting money . My son asked and the lady encouraged him . Why is there always someone ready to criticise?!

I'd say it prob was the jet wash. If you are embarrassed just don't answer the door. But if you can bear to speak to him again, just say, 'oh, sorry about the other day, I was in the middle of something, the dog was barking and I couldn't hear what you said.'
At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what he thought about the brief interaction. I'd imagine it's totally forgotten about.

It’s less a matter of whether you find ‘joy’ in people, than whether you are able to maintain a basic level of functional interaction with other people like colleagues, neighbours, retail workers on the till in a supermarket, our young children’s teachers, GP, the vet, or anyone we need to see or tend to encounter regularly. If your dogs need the vet, are you able to handle that, OP? Do you have children? Do you work?

Ask your DH to text neighbour asking what he wanted. The neighbour probably thinks you're a little socially awkward but he probably knew that anyway as you never talk to him so I wouldn't worry about it and just carry on as you are (if you are happy with that).

I have the exact same problem with processing op and it makes social situations excruciating. The people asking for your treatment plan, what you’re going to do if you need to see a vet, asking if your dh is okay with your lack of social interaction.. might be coming from a good place but are not really understanding. There’s no treatment for sensory processing. And it feels shit to have someone interact with you and you have literally no clue what they’re saying. So you smile or nod even though they might be asking you a question or telling you sad news so you look like a complete nut case. However in other ways you look like a ‘normal’ non disabled person so the people you interact with just think you’re horrible/weird/snobbish/rude (I’ve been called all of these and more). Of course you’re not going to enjoy social interactions! And no amount of people telling you to is going to change anything.
I don’t answer the door if my dh isn’t here either because I also wouldn’t have a clue what the person was saying. But try not to worry about it. I know I would be too but compared to some of the awkward interactions I’ve had this one isn’t too bad, especially as you had the dogs barking. Plus he doesn’t know you well so for all he knows you could be tired, stressed, have other things going on and don’t have the headspace for searching for a jet wash or whatever it was.

What about messaging? DH and him obviously chat. Perhaps a system of Im away this weekend, message me or wife if you need anything, stops dogs barking.

Thankyou for this.

Yes. It's like people are underwater.

I see them. I see their mouths moving. I can hear them speaking but it's like dealing with everything at once makes it hard to understand what is happening. And even if I know in the moment, by the time I've gotten inside I can't remember what they said!

I don't work, no. I don't leave the house alone.

I'm not sad though. I have a happy life, it may not be what many people's version of happy is but it suits my boundaries and abilities.

Plus I was in my pyjamas as DH was gone (so I wouldn't be leaving the house) and I realised I had soup all down my top (from blending it with a stick blender, not eating poorly!) So that made me feel stupid too.

It must make you terribly dependent on your husband, though.

Well, that's the downside of having disabilities, isn't it?

Would tou say that to me if I had a physical disability or was a wheelchair user?
Or is it because my issues are psychological you think I should just 'get better and deal with it' so my husband isn't inconvenienced as much?

I have watched three colleagues (two of them married to other colleagues) struggle with becoming the carer of their spouse over the last few years. One developed Parkinson’s and now uses a wheelchair and his increasing speech problems mean he is likely to have to stop work on health grounds in his mid-50s. His wife is 37 and they have a young child. Another had a serious head injury, was in a lengthy coma and needed round the clock care for the best part of a year, and though he made some form of recovery, he has been left with a personality change and has taken early retirement on health grounds. Finally, another colleague developed a freak condition in his 40s which means he is permanently impaired, with little short term memory, and his wife is now his carer. They are in the process of a divorce. One of the other spouses is still caring for her husband, but is in another relationship.

I have seen up close exactly what the psychological cost of these situations is to the carer.

If you're ok with the way you are then just pay it no more mind. The most likely outcome is that he won't try and interact with you again which is what you've been aiming for.

It seems like you have the worst of both worlds at the moment - wanting to avoid social interaction whilst also caring what people think. If you'd made a "good" impression or gotten it "right" then that would have been a step towards being more sociable with this neighbour. Is that what you want? It's ok if it is. Maybe you could start waving hello to him? We have a very socially awkward neighbour. I introduced myself to him when we moved in and it was clearly a very unwelcome interaction (there were also barking dogs!). I then ignored him for 4 years and now hes started waving and saying hello so I wave and say hello too. He didn't/doesn't take up much headspace and I don't think he's weird, he's just not sociable.

Right OK, but we've been together 25 years and we are extremely happy. But thanks for the input

What a horrible post! Telling a disabled person how shit it is to be a carer! What do you think the answer is then, for the op to not be disabled? I’m sure she would love that but you can’t wish a disability away unfortunately.

I do wave hello
I just don't like having conversations. It seems pointless. Small talk for the sake of smalltalk and for what?