80yo DM wants to do childcare but I don’t think it’s feasible

[MoreChocPlease]

After maternity, I am going back to work with compressed hours so I can look after DC one day a week (Friday).

My mum is 80 and lives two hours away. She is upset that we won’t ‘let’ her do childcare that day and is adamant that she should be ‘allowed’ to do it.

My mum doesn’t drive. She is mobile, but slow and tires easily. She is an insomniac and regularly will sleep from 4-5am to 11am. Her proposal is that she would get public transport to ours on a Thursday afternoon and then stay until Sunday, ‘so she can help us around the house at the weekend.’ (But, kindly, she is one of those house guests who needs looking after, rather than vice versa!)

I feel that it’s very nice of her to have offered but she has little recollection of the energy required to look after a 1 year old all day! Let alone her sleep schedule etc. And I don’t think DH would want DMIL around three nights a week!

Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this, as she’s getting quite upset that I’m saying I don’t think it’s feasible.

Why not let her stay over 1 night with sole care of dc before you go back to work? Says it's a trial run. And step back and let her crack on as if you weren't there.

That is a really good idea, thank you!

It sounds like you want to be at home with your child on that day.

Hang on, you will have 1 day off a week to spend with your DC. But your mum wants to choose that day to offer :childcare'.??

If she actually wanted to do childcare she'd offer to be there 1 day Mon-Thurs, when you are at work. She doesn't want to do childcare at all, she wants to cuddle and coo over the baby while you do all the practical stuff, the housework and look after her too because she's 'looking after the baby'

I think I would just say you think it's far too taxing for her. I'm in my early 70's, fit and healthy, more or less, a ti you.nd I wouldn't contemplate it. It sounds as if she might be a bit lonely asking to stay for that length of time too. Shame she can't move a bit nearer.

I think, even if you’re fit and healthy, 80 is really too old to be caring for a one year old, who will soon be very mobile and into everything. I’m very glad my grandchildren were born when we were 30 years younger than that. Even working full time, then part time, I still had the energy for babysitting, overnights, weekends, collecting from school etc.

You could try what @Sunshineafterthehail says and hope that she realises it’s not feasible.

Not sure why she needs to do 'childcare' when you are off? In reality it sounds like she wants to spend weekends with you and your baby. You'll be looking after her as well as the baby!

Im also a bit confused - is she saying she could do childcare so you don’t need to do compresses hours, or she would look after DC on your day off?

I agree to a trial run. Maybe you could propose she does this once a month, you get the odd day when you can pop out and she gets regular 1:1 baby time.

Sorry - key bit of info not clear from my OP.

DM didn’t know at the point of this conversation that I was planning to take compressed leave. This is just a decision I’ve come to over the past few days.

At the point of this conversation, the situation was that we had nursery sorted for Mon-Thurs but needed to find a solution for Fridays.

My 80yr DM fell over while enthusiastically chasing DC, so not a good idea imo unless you're there to supervise (both of them)

I'd say no thanks.

Wouldn't want anyone in my house every week Thur- sun, that's our family time for me, my partner and kids!

Plus at 80, insomniac and someone who it looks like you'd have to be looking after a bit your self (one of those house guests!) I think you and your partner would find it's extra work for yourselves.

I'd say that they are welcome to come and visit or stay over on some weekends instead. Or you could go to hers.

Given your update that's a bit easier for you now - you can just say thanks for the offer mum but work have kindly agreed to let me have Fridays off so we won't need anyone to look after DC.

But thanks for offering!

It sounds ds like she wants a bit of company rather than to "help". That's all fine and good, but every weekend is a bit much. Once a month, tops.

The thing is that you aren't going to be just at home on fridays are you? You'll have signed up for a toddler sing-&sign or rhymetime group in the morning and a toddler gym thing in the afternoon and for both of those it's strictly one grownup per child and they don't run them at weekends.

She could theoretically come down on a sunday evening, stay overnight Sunday and Monday and do childcare while you work on Mondays, going home on Tuesday morning. However it really won't work for you to have an extra adult around on Fridays and a lot of weekends you and DH will be either visiting people elsewhere or having visitors to stay or otherwise having plans so would really restrict your ability to keep up with other friends and family to have her there every weekend.

Is this the precursor to her moving in permanently? Would you want that?

Yeah, my 80 odd year old mum and in laws looked after my toddler for the odd hour here & there and once for a day (in laws only) and they were exhausted!
so as pp perhaps once a month to actually help you out for an hour or so, but not whole days on the regular.

As a 57 year old, who looks after a 1.5 year old, two days a week I would say no way cud an 80 year old do this. Toddlers move at speed of light and the reflexes at 57 are not as sharp as they were at 27 when my own were this age. I would say no it's just too much for her.

I think do a trial run now, she gets the transport to yours, you hand over baby and go out as if to work, telling her this is easier than the real thing when baby is crawling g/walking and see how she gets on. Just go somewhere nearby so you can get back easily when it all goes wrong

Your mother may be lonely and wanting to see her grandchild, but those things have other solutions. She's probably in denial about her age and the effects on her (I know I am), but they are real and will have an impact on your child's safety.

I'd start with the suggestion above about giving her sole responsibility for day while you're there. I can't think it'll go especially well, from what you've said, but at least you'll be stating your case afterwards from a place of knowledge.

At 80 my DM was still driving and energetic so did school pick up twice a week and hung out for 3 hours with my 7 yr old. She liked the routine and meeting other grandparents and he was well behaved and an only child.

I’d say it’s too old for most people for baby/toddler style childcare. They are relentless and exhausting - people forget how all-consuming it can be.

Can she post it on gransnet @MoreChocPlease ? It's really sweet of her got to love the aspiration to help you.

Could she come and babysit for an hour before bedtime / handle bedtime and then you and dh go out in the evening on the day you're off work? Not every week maybe!

My in laws were active, healthy and engaged people at 80. At 83 FiL has Parkinson's, a small fall lead to a broken hip in MiL, both are going deaf and both fall asleep within minutes of sitting down to watch the TV. There is NO way I would allow either of them to have custody of a newborn.

At 80, anything can happen - a stroke, a heart attack, a fall.

Just say no but, perhaps, suggests she comes over every other Friday to spend the afternoon with little one.

Is your mother lonely? It sounds as though she is using your DC as an “excuse” to come and stay with you every weekend. You’ve already said your DH would not want his MIL around 3 days a week, and it sounds massively impractical, if she lives 2 hours away and would have to come the night before. If you’re doing compressed hours, why don’t you let her come down for the day on Friday to help you? That way, she is able to see you and your DC, and you wouldn’t have to worry that she might fall asleep/ leave little one unattended. This way, she gets to see you and the baby, without having to stay. You would both feel terrible if anything were to happen to either her or your DC if she were looking after DC on her own.

OMG that sounds like a really bad plan. My mother did come for one day and night to look after my eldest when I went back after maternity leave for 10 months in total- she was 62 at the time. By the time the second arrived three years later she offered again but we said we had it covered. In reality it was very difficult having a guest that regularly. She was very fussy about her food, had little patience with us (fine with her grandchild) and sat there not chatting each evening. It was not good for our relationship in the longer term. At 80 and sounding much frailer it sounds like a total non starter.

More likely she is concerned about missing out on seeing dgc once you are back to work.
Could you have a chat about thar instead?