When you get pulled to the side over your child's behaviour

[thisisasurvivor]

I'm so mortified

Normally she listens to
Follows along

She is 6

Tonight she went rogue at football

Coach waited to the end to tell me how bad she was
So many heard and I'm so mortified

I know I'm way too soft with her
Single parent and she was abused by her father

But still!!!

I need more boundaries

So I pad banned for two days
She's not going to the next training
What else do I do?

I'm so embarrassed and just feel so awful

I know this may seem small to many I just struggle with parenting the best of times

You sound like the sort of parent we need more of on here. Open minded and willing to learn and accept that their child is not perfect and needs firmer handling rather than spoiling and making the teachers life difficult-good for you!

Don’t worry OP. A bad day aged 6 will not mean you will have ‘that child’ as a teenager and beyond. With good boundaries from you, school and her activities she will be fine.

FWIW and to make you laugh a bit, my grandparents thought they were getting along fine with parenting (grandad was quite a key figurebin the community so really did try to instil morals and good behaviour), and they once had a visit from the local bobby (fortunately a pal of grandad’s) to say my uncle (Aged 12) had been hacking the police radio from the roof. He said not sure whether to tell him off or offer him a job! Uncle turned out fine, he joined the forces in the end so could put his coding skills to good use, but that certainly wasn’t grandad’s proudest parenting moment. Oh and my mum set fire to the hedge. She is fine now too, model citizen. Kids ehh 🤣🤣🤣

@otravezempezamos whaaaat 😅😝😝😝

What a lovely thoughtful post

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Thank you all

It has been an eye opener

I worry about being judged after fleeing DV
Court case etc

There were many gossips having a field day

So be it

Time for clear boundaries
Praise and noticing all the positives too

I was a nightmare as a child and part of me thinks this will come back to bite me on the butt

But yes
An apology for the coach and being there to see how it all goes next time will help hugely too

(Coach is a former teacher who used to ridicule my niece for not being able to spell my neice was 9 at the time and just diagnosed with dyslexia )

I think I still harbour ill thoughts there too

But fair is fair
Bad behaviour is not on at all !!!!

Bloody love this response. One of the best things I have ever read on Mumsnet. Mind blown. Thank you. You have just inverted my world. Signed the mum of two with autism and ADHD.

Agree

I can't do that at the best of times

We learn parenting from experiencing, observing and practising those skills.

After what you've been through from your own childhood and an abusive partner, and the assault she suffered, there could be so much going on for you both.

Have you both been able to access therapy for your experiences and the harm you've both suffered?

And there are parenting skills classes and free & not expensive online courses.

https://www.schoolmum.net/parenting/expect-6-year-old/

First of all, you sound like you are doing well with an uncomfortable situation. My kids always thrived with boundaries. They knew what to expect - good or bad. I know this is a little embarrassing (been there!) but you aren't doing her any favors by not having any consequences. Oh, and what a gobshite coach got talking to you in front of others.

Yes totally agree

Could be dealt with so much better

Rather than shaming !!!!

Thank you

So very helpful will look this up

Don't catastrophise it.

The screen-ban is fine. I wouldn't withhold further football training though.

Next time she goes, reinforce your expected standards. This can be done positively as in "listen to the coach, follow instructions" rather than don'ts.

Children stuff things up occasionally and we're on a transition point of disrupted routines, tiredness as school term implodes into school holidays. Give a consequence, remind them what the expectuons are, move on. (From a mum of 11 & 13, some ND involved, children generally manage to be civilised young humans most of the time)

So true thank you !!

Screen ban and maybe go back next week if she agrees to follow the rules and I will watch ?!

In the kindest way possible I think this is a you lacking confidence thing not a 6 year old doing what 6 year olds do thing.

She’s just been a normal 6 year old, they have good and bad days. One incident at an activity isn’t the end of the world. But the coach absolutely shouldn’t have told you in front of everyone. A quiet word away from the others would have been far better, and probably wouldn’t have left you as upset as you are now. Next time explain how you want her to behave on the way and then praise her if she manages it, talk about it if she doesn’t. Your choice of punishment and reward beyond that is entirely personal, you know her and how she responds. But whatever you decide you must stick to it.

Do you have any support in real life? Have you had trauma counselling? It might be worth trying to find some if not. Your past is influential, but it doesn’t define your future. You have proved you are incredibly strong by getting you both to where you are now. You just need to believe that you are.

Totally agree

Second guessing a lot of the time

Others would probably laugh it off

I think I was just triggered too and wasn't expecting it

Thanks all great advice

No it's not stupidly, you deserve some kindess in your self talk. She's never going to get it all right, you're not going to get it all right snd her coach isn't either and that's ok. No body gets it right all the time. Newroundheres advice is great. Your DD didn't get it right today, but then neither did her coach. He shouldn't have handled things the way he. Some of the other parents were probably thinking that too, I would have been if I'd been there. Maybe the coach had a bad day too and didn't speak privately because of that. At this age natural and immedjate consequences can work well, so play up have to leave early. But within a framework of clear expectations. So setting her.up for success. For young children consequences that are very immediate tend to be more effective so that they can clearly link the behaviour to the consequence..

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

Lovely ideas and thank you for your kindness

Other parents spoke to me today and they feel she was too harsh on Dd and that there were a few messing around

Yes they are 6
But she needs to respect staff and listen. To them

I'm pissed off she called her Dd over to tell us what my DD had apparently done (didn't want to be too outing earlier)

All that aside
Coach could have done things differently

My DD needs to listen and behave at sports
Next time it's one strike and out I will be watching it all

I don't think the coach meant to make me feel so ashamed :(