When you get pulled to the side over your child's behaviour

[thisisasurvivor]

I'm so mortified

Normally she listens to
Follows along

She is 6

Tonight she went rogue at football

Coach waited to the end to tell me how bad she was
So many heard and I'm so mortified

I know I'm way too soft with her
Single parent and she was abused by her father

But still!!!

I need more boundaries

So I pad banned for two days
She's not going to the next training
What else do I do?

I'm so embarrassed and just feel so awful

I know this may seem small to many I just struggle with parenting the best of times

OP you've said she's usually well behaved, she messed around at football today. It's really not a huge deal, you talk to her calmly find out what went wrong, what happened at football today?

The likelihood is she knows, she will say I wasn't listening and I didn't follow the coach's rules, ok so how did that make the session for everyone else? She will likely know, if not you tell her, it interrupted the session and made the lesson less fun for everyone else. What do you need to do differently next time?
Switch my listening ears on and do as the coach asks me.
Ok good girl, now there will be no iPad tonight but I know you'll be back to yourself next lesson. I love you, big kiss, right let's get ready for dinner/bath/bed whatever.

No iPad for two days and not letting her go next week is quite extreme and doesn't encourage her to reflect on the behaviour, how it affected others and what she should do differently in future.

Don’t be embarrassed honestly. She’s only 6 and there could be lots of reasons she might have been tired or dysregulated or being silly. At my 7 year old daughter’s football training half the girls are chatting, doing cartwheels, playing with bits of dirt. Of course you can establish expectations with her now but I would approach it as “this is how you need to behave as a good teammate”.
When I realised my child was being ridiculous at training I said to her that I realised I never really explained how you’re supposed to behave at training, it’s not a play date with your friends etc. Now I remind her in the car gently and she’s fine. Others might disagree but I think removing her next training session is harsh and taking away something that’s probably healthy and a good social experience.
So sorry to hear about your awful abuse experiences.

Yes. That remind me of when my DD was being bullied at school (aged 11)
The Head asked her if she knew WHY she was being bullied?
WTF.

Of course, DD had no idea and then felt even more at fault.
Load of rubbish !!

I'm so sorry

Thank you all

So so helpful and sorry to harp on I just feel so useless at parenting

A bit of messing around at a club OP is quite normal for a six year old, you say she usually knows how to behave, none of us are perfect, if she is usually fine you must be doing a good job.

Right, well OP, you sound like you are doing a good job. Someone who wasn't, wouldn't care. No one is judging you. I don't often share negative behaviour stories with parents at the end of the day because its been dealt with and it's over, but the times I do is when I want to sort of triangulate the message. It's not to shame or embarrass anyone, but to ensure the child is getting similar messages from home about good choices/poor choices. The coach probably just had enough of the nonsense today and now you know, you can reinforce behaviour expectations at home. Seriously, do not stress about this. She will be fine. I'm so sorry for everything you both have been through. Tomorrow is a new day.

Have there been any issues with her behaviour at school?

You say in your later post that when you've watched her at football she's been unfocused and wanting to chat with her friends, so this isn't as out of the blue as some posters seem to think. The coach wouldn't ban a six year old for two weeks if this was new behaviour.

It seems to be that you're being honest about your parenting being lacking in some ways, so maybe look into a parenting course?

My kids are older now, so I'm not sure what's out there and available to you, but it seems that you need support and more confidence, so a parenting group would seem beneficial. They're not like being at school, they're about support, reassurance, and listening and offering ideas.

I would talk to her clearly and concisely immediately before each session and remind her of expectations at the club and the consequences. Keep it short, sweet and positive. 3 things at the maximum not a long list.
Be clear "I expect you to pay attention" means nothing, "I expect you to stand still and look at the coach when they talk to you" is better.

Teachers reset behaviours regularly at school, it may well be that actually the coach isn't managing behaviour effectively. 6 year olds are often silly and need firm but kind instruction.

Coaches and youth volunteers are often fantastic, but quite often they can be people with little experience managing the behaviour of a large group of young children so aren't always as effective as could be.

I would take a book, camp chair and a coffee and sit on the sidelines. Don't interrupt the session to manage her, leave that for the coach but be there and praise her positively when she meets your expectations.

With her history then it's more likely a way of pushing boundaries and getting attention from the coach particularly if they are male.

Thanks all

I saw a few times she was previously messing when others helped to tidy up

I have out the ban in place for the next session

And I have taken this all on board

So so helpful

Love this so much

I will be watching the next few sessions in August

Don't be embarrassed. It's the parents who don't feel embarrassed about poor behaviour that should be!

Well that's true

And it seems minor but I feel terrible

So I'm the other extreme

This is going to sound ridiculious but I seem to struggle hugely with setting them and following them

She has chores
She needs to help out if she wants me to buy something

She has trauma so I try the gentle approach as much as I can

But I let lots of things slide too

See at 6 I'm not overly fussed about chores.

I would be fussed about defiance, physical attacks and rude chat.

You can do this via the gentle approach, but she needs to know where the line is.

Yes lots of back chatting when told off

That. Needs to end !!

Chores some weekends for now I think ?

Please don't be embarrassed - she's only 6 and still learning! Hefty punishment is not necessary, talk to her and explain why her behaviour was unacceptable, that it stops the coaches being able to do their job and ruins the class for the other children. Tell her the coaches won't let her continue to go to football if she misbehaves. I would also stay and watch and be prepared to pull her out for a time out if she's playing up. The coaches will have seen it all before so work with them to ensure their rules are followed. You're not a bad parent, all little children play up and act silly sometimes 💐

Thank you so much

Feel less awful now

Still beating myself up but. Trying to be realistic too

With my youngest, if ever her behaviour was shocking, she was normally hangry. If asked, she would say she was hungry, but didn’t know she was unless prompted.

My suggestion is that if you impose a sanction, you must follow through, if she realises she can wheedle and whine herself out of a punishment, she will. My middle one is a people pleaser who would always give in to the youngest who would have a tantrum to get her own way. I pointed out she was reinforcing that youngest could get her own way with a tantrum.

Also these behaviours can be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to kids interacting with each other. I had some rather painful years with DS when he was between 7 and 9 years old, when it seemed I was being pulled aside every few weeks for some classroom incident or other.

Long story short, a lot of it was down to more cunning and socially devious kids in the class winding him up to get a reaction, and usually succeeding; not all adults in charge are sharp enough to spot what led up to the behaviour. He’s now 20 with an ASD diagnosis and a real talent for computer programming.

It may be that large group activities such as football aren’t suiting your DD; perhaps she would enjoy smaller sessions, one to one attention or something with fewer rules and instructions to take on board. Or perhaps there are issues with getting on with the other kids. Or maybe the coach isn’t managing the group very well. Either way I’d be extremely wary of punishing behaviour that you haven’t seen and that has apparently been dealt with at the time. Keep an open mind.

I was thinking this earlier

That maybe it is all too much

So thank you for sharing this

So bloody true !!

Thank you for sharing xxxx

Try not to be too hard on yourself OP. Today she has messed up but she can learn. It’s the end of term and a lot of kids are displaying out of character behavior.
Rather than ban her outright from football, how about she does something extra to make amends and earn the coach’s praise back. Set the kit out/tidy up. Sort the bibs out.
Good move on the ipad - she’s a bit young for that anyway. Get her helping you out instead round the house.

Sounds like you are really trying. She will be fine.

Love this so much

Set up and help them tidy up at the end instead of running off

It was so out of the blue for someone to pull me to the side like this just feel like i let her down

But

Everyday is a learning day
And I needed to stop with my flimsy boundaries