Need positive stories of coming through a midlife "breakdown", please

[RoadRunnerWorks]

Hi. I really need some positivity about coming through hard times, so if anyone has relevant stories, I'd be so grateful to hear.

I'm mid 40s, with 2 teenage kids, a good DH, and full time professional career. But I'm having to take some time off and feel like I'm unravelling a bit.

It's been a very hard year (e.g., substantial problems for one DC). I'd been thinking that I'd dealt with it pretty well, considering, and... now I'm not.

Appetite gone, sleep difficult (so please don't anyone say "just get some sleep"!), losing weight, anxious and low. Housework has seriously slid, so the house is a bit of a pit which is also bringing me down, and I can't seem to start on it.

I've spoken with GP, had hormones checked (no signs of peri/menopause yet - to my disappointment, as I'd hoped HRT would be solution), been signed off work for a bit. Not keen on meds, but wouldn't entirely rule them out (though definitely can't take SSRIs, for various reasons).

Trying to do the following:

• exercise (small 10 minute jog when I can; bit of yoga when possible)
• make nutritious smoothies for when I can't eat
• relax, even if sleep is hard to come by (meditation tracks, etc)
• find a temporary cleaner for the house
• asking DH to step up in emotional role with kids (which he's trying to do)

But I just feel a bit wretched and terrified of having a full on "break down", because of what I feel that would do to the kids. What I think might really help is if I can say to myself "well, even if I do become non-functional/"break down", we can come through it". Can anyone relate, or give me positive stories to show me that people hit proper rock bottom and then bounce back? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

Thank you to anyone who's finished reading that waffle!

have you been signed off?
how supportive is your partner?
Is there disposable money to spend on ie you getting away for a bit?

Yes, signed off.

Partner supportive but easily exasperated.

Could potentially get away, but struggle with the sense of uncertainty/novelty around that, and think the kids might struggle. Or maybe not. I don't know...

how long for and how are you currently spending your days?

How are you spending your time atm if you’re not working/exercising/cleaning etc? Not being snarky asking a genuine question to try to work out how much time you have for activities that may help.

@NeverHadHaveHas and @politicalintrigue this is a very good question. Often trying (unsuccessfully) to nap, trying (unsuccessfully) to sort something for the struggling DC, or pacing around aimlessly.

Hi,

This happened to me exactly the same ten years ago. I am much much better now. I will explain in a bit. It will take a while to write it, so just sending reassurance first.

Have you had any therapy OP? People can and do recover from mental health 'breakdowns' all the time- with or without treatment. If you've previously had good mental health, the overwhelmingly likelihood is eventual full recovery no matter how bad things get now. You're doing the right thing taking time off to look after yourself and reduce stress. What you're experiencing is a normal response to a sustained period of very high stress.

Thank you so much - I'm reading and re-reading this one. My mental health has always been a sort of "work in progress" - very prone to anxiety, but absolutely manageable with lifestyle stuff. Don't expect to ever be a chilled out person, but getting back to that would be amazing.

that sounds honestly like my idea of hell

fresh airs just for starters

So sorry you had similar, but very pleased to hear you're through it. Thank you.

Yes, I am walking around the local park quite a bit, actually. Forgot that. Thank you.

Hi again,

This happened to me ten years ago. I had to do a lot of work to get out of it but things are going better just now.

What happened is this:

First my constitution just completely folded up on me. It was very very unpleasant. I couldn't eat, I felt grim, my senses went all wrong. vertico, panic attacks exacerbated by noise and colours and lights and YouNameIt. not good. I just had to sit by the window for three straight months, before I was really able to stand up or function.

First I found a good therapist, and talked to her a lot for several years. I felt like shit for much of this time, and was largely housebound. My GP called it anxiety and my friend called it ME. Either way, I felt very much like radioactive waste for several years.

I had to learn mindfullness activities to contol the symptoms and that was things like painting by numbers, and ironing and folding washing. It made the symptoms feel a lot less awful.

While talking to the therapist, I figured out the following:

I had a son who had a sleep disorder and nobody around me understood how serious and difficult that was, or how hard the PTSD was for both DS and me. Everybody was making out that it was my fault.

I had two lots of elderly parents/ILS, all were masking various serious conditions while asking me to mask for them, and also with expectations that I would take on massive caring roles. There was also some lying from some family members about very serious stuff, which was a huge problem for me and one of the major triggers for me completely falling over.

There were poor communications with all the family. The expectations on me were astronomical, and everybody was heaping blame and expectations on me. (this is called scapegoating) I was also labelled as the idiot in the family in spite of being very highly qualified.

I also had previously had a very demanding job, 50 hour weeks and a lot of travel, from which I had not recovered. And I had undiagnosed disability, which it turned out had passed on to my son. I was working very hard to help my son pass as "normal" while everyone made out that I was a helicopter parent and my son was fine. At the same time I was struggling myself because of my own disability.

All in all, my life was a total shit show and it was set to get loads worse in very predictable ways that only I could see coming. I was melting down in anticipation.

Anyway the therpist helped me to figure out all this. She then helped me to figure out how to explain it to everyone else, and get them to adjust their expectations and pull their weight a lot more. She said I had to "set boundaries".

I did this. Some family were good and kind, the ILS went no contact for a while.

Getting long covid twice in the middle of it didn't help.

There was one crisis where I got given IV saline, antifungal medication and vitamins in the hospital and I felt very very much better after that. I'm still not clear about how much that was key to my recovery because I also blew up my relationship with some very difficult relatives at the same time. I felt fantastic for a good while after that. Such relief.

We are still working through the process of adjusting people's expectations, and some family members are still more understanding than others, but we are getting there.

The biggest thing just now is that we are having to adjust our own expectations of DS, which are hopelessly out of kilter with reality, but it is healthy that we are doing that. He also cracked up after a while, and is now home schooling, but at least I understand a bit more about why, after my own experiences.

I hope it helps to explain this.

The bottom line is that you have to stop trying to be wonderwoman and when people judge you for that, you will need to explain to them over and over again that you were never meant to be wonderwoman in the first place. They will get it, and life will be better.

There was an episode in Friends where something similar happened to Phoebe and it resonated a lot with me.

Sorry this is a lot of detail about my life but I hope it might help others, because God knows I earned this knowledge and I may as well share it.

My life is much better now. Your life will get better too.

Good luck.

I think you absolutely deserve some therapy and some well-managed self care as planned. I'd add in a hobby/distraction that's just for you.

If you are 45 then HRT should be prescribed on symptoms alone - I know HRT is touted as the solution to everything at the moment, but I did find it fixed the slump I experienced that coincided with the end of a long phase of caring and responsibility.

I forgot to say that my wheels fell off when I was 39 and I'm better now that I am 48 so it may be an age thing too.

Oh the other thing that was a massive help for me was an oura ring. It measures physiological indicators and tells me when I am pushing myself too hard. It measures stress levels too and is very clear about telling me to back off when I am pusing myself too hard.

https://ouraring.com/

I had a breakdown and would say suddenly all the things that you have been coping with for so long get on top of you .
I couldn’t calm down , couldn’t sleep , didn’t really eat and couldn’t focus. I was distrustful of medication as dad had been addicted to diazepam. So was swapping medications googling them and getting paranoid After weeks of not sleeping I wanted to jump in a canal and completely lost the plot so was hospitalised for 2 weeks. Medication is what got the severe anxiety and depression under control .
You will get better , things will improve . Just push for as much help as you can get . If dr thinks medication will help take it.

Mine was around your age to think it is drop in hormones.

Find another gp too. You can’t be mid 40s and not in peri. Hormone tests are pretty useless without a comparison. So unless they tested throughout your life, they cannot possibly find any accuracy in a test now.
HRT may well help. Also sounds like you need to rest. Treat stress and anxiety as any physical illness. Rest rest rest.

So sorry for what you went through. Which medications worked in the end? I'm also very concerned by benzos as have an addicted family member.

Promethazine for sleep , anti psychotic olazapine to calm me down as they don’t like using the benzodiazepines , lowest dose of sertraline and thiamine . This is the cocktail I was on in hospital . Got off the anti psychotic as soon as I could and sertraline a year later . Promethazine I was probably on a few weeks helped get sleeping again.

You could try a low level of drug such as Sertraline for a while, like using a sticking plaster on a cut, just to dampen things down and allow some recovery. If you want to go down a more natural path, then as others have said therapy can be good. GP's in the UK IME don't prescribe Benzos as ongoing drugs (but might for a specific issue that freaks you for a few days such as an event/talk/ dentist/plane etc)

Living in the present moment now and not thinking too far ahead or wondering "what if", just being good enough, dealing with one task in hand at a time can help as can thinking or writing about gratitude for small things each day and journalling your worries. Decide on your boundaries and what would enable you to carve out some time for your own self care or rest. Be more "selfish."Vitamins such as magnesium and B complex can also help with sleep and relaxation if yours are depleted.

Learning meditation, QiQong, mindfulness, yoga etc and regularly practcising it can also help. If you want to get away, the Guardian had an article about this place today and they do Beginner mindfulness courses. Looks lovely and isn't religious like a lot of retreats ( who even if you are atheist expect you to attend prayers) and they actively discourage friends and partners from coming with you so you won;t be a lone singleton amongst a gaggle of mates.
https://www.sharphamtrust.org/

I’m still recovering from a breakdown , the things that have helped me are exercise , supplements that support mental wellbeing B vitamins, fish oils and magnesium but the best thing I have found for anxiety by far is breath work exercises which activate your parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down for example 4-7-8 or coherent breathing , Take a Deep Breath channel on YouTube is really good just make sure you pick ‘calming’ breath routines rather than anything activating

From a slightly different perspective, my dh’s mum had a breakdown when he was 12. As he puts / remembers it ‘she just disappeared and spent a year in bed’. However, I want to reassure you that despite that he is a healthy, happy well functioning adult with a really close (healthy) relationship to his mum.

You've got to resource yourself so that you can become strong and resilient again. You need to take as much times as possible for you, doing things that make you feel good. Think about resourcing yourself over a period of time- emotionally, physically, spiritually. Do not feel an ounce of guilt over it.
It's like putting your own oxygen mask on before you tend to your children.
i nearly had a breakdown when my DH committed suicide. bage was i'll for the preceding 18 months. DCs we're 4 and 9. It was so stressful. We came through.... to a certain extent. But elder DC now in their early 20s has serious mental health issues and we've had a terrible few years. I have learned that I cannot look after the DCs (look after them emotionally as much as anything) unless I'm in good form myself- that for me has meant counselling, medication, and maximum time possible on reading, hobbies, sport/exercise and pleasurable pastimes.. Easier when your DCs are older I know, but then I don't have ANY help from a partner or parents.
Give yourself permission to sort yourself out.

I've come through one before. Currently in another. It's entirely possible and doable.

The first time I was fortunate that I could do absolutely nothing for a month. If I may, your brain is still trying to fix things. Doing things that you love purely because you enjoy them. For me that was cooking, pottering, sleeping, meeting a friend for coffee, all without guilt, after a couple of weeks I went to some exercise classes. I think basically its resetting the nervous system which takes time and trying to feel safe while breaking down the big overwhelming things.

This time round, I have a long term plan I am working towards and trying to make the here and now better while I get there.

If you have the financial resource go take a break then do it. If you have people who can help or people you can pay do it. If you have worries, talk about them.