Need positive stories of coming through a midlife "breakdown", please

[RoadRunnerWorks]

Hi. I really need some positivity about coming through hard times, so if anyone has relevant stories, I'd be so grateful to hear.

I'm mid 40s, with 2 teenage kids, a good DH, and full time professional career. But I'm having to take some time off and feel like I'm unravelling a bit.

It's been a very hard year (e.g., substantial problems for one DC). I'd been thinking that I'd dealt with it pretty well, considering, and... now I'm not.

Appetite gone, sleep difficult (so please don't anyone say "just get some sleep"!), losing weight, anxious and low. Housework has seriously slid, so the house is a bit of a pit which is also bringing me down, and I can't seem to start on it.

I've spoken with GP, had hormones checked (no signs of peri/menopause yet - to my disappointment, as I'd hoped HRT would be solution), been signed off work for a bit. Not keen on meds, but wouldn't entirely rule them out (though definitely can't take SSRIs, for various reasons).

Trying to do the following:

• exercise (small 10 minute jog when I can; bit of yoga when possible)
• make nutritious smoothies for when I can't eat
• relax, even if sleep is hard to come by (meditation tracks, etc)
• find a temporary cleaner for the house
• asking DH to step up in emotional role with kids (which he's trying to do)

But I just feel a bit wretched and terrified of having a full on "break down", because of what I feel that would do to the kids. What I think might really help is if I can say to myself "well, even if I do become non-functional/"break down", we can come through it". Can anyone relate, or give me positive stories to show me that people hit proper rock bottom and then bounce back? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

Thank you to anyone who's finished reading that waffle!

There is also the Dharmma Dippa (sp?) centre where you can do vipassana meditation weekends. It's by donation.

This happened to me.

I couldn't eat - actually couldn't put food into my mouth. Couldn't sleep. Thought about driving off the motorway and into walls. Developed an overwhelming and debilitating crush on an inappropriate person. Got a lot of tattoos. Attention span shrunk to zero.

That was in the last 18 months. Am I better?

I don't know. I can eat and sleep now. Crush still wrecks me daily.

I took Propanalol for a while. I go for a lot of walks. I took up a couple of hobbies that really help. I can read again.

I had therapy, and it really felt amazing just to talk about it, but I don't think it had any lasting impact apart from giving someone £50 an hour to talk about a man who isn't my husband.

The experience can be mixed but I have had some wonderful conversations with samaritans over the last few years. I must have called them around 15 times. It's the non judgmentalness for me.

In September my DC started secondary and had a bunny settling in period plus they had a health scare. At the same time my parents health deteriorated and there were some serious care decisions to make. I changed my hours at work to free up a couple of days off but it meant all of a sudden I was up at 6am on work days and then on days off it was still 6am then 5am and then ai just couldn't sleep. I was losing weight lost half a stone and just felt rubbish. Just the right age for peri but doctor said all good. Forward fast 11 months and my sleep is back to normal weights come back on and I feel my normal self. It was a stressful 3 months but over time and with the other things in my life starting to settle it has gradually improved. I made a conscious effort to eat better exercise more talk about how difficult I was finding managing things. Took a multivitamin with Iron. Nothing magical happened things just subsided.

HRT is prescribed on symptoms alone after age 46. Blood tests aren't useful because they are a momentary snapshot of hormones which are fluctuating wildly. Doctors are not always knowledgeable so you need to go in armed with your own research.

Have a look at the Menopause Support Group on Facebook.

My sister had a breakdown aged 47. She was sectioned and at no stage did anyone suggest it was perimenopause- which it was. A year later HRT solved all her issues. Bad menopause runs in our family. Our mum had a personality transplant at age 45ish, she became so bad tempered and angry, snapping at everyone, crying all the time. She didn't go to the doctor so basically suffered in silence until.she died.

I had a few major life events one after the other and had a severe wobble a few years ago leading to six months off sick from work. I was very lucky to have some psychological support offered through my workplace but the thing which helped more than anything (recommended by the psychologist) was a book called "The Happiness Trap'" by Russ Harris which is based on a therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It really worked brilliantly for me and I fully recovered, I still use the principles of ACT today. I wasn't keen on taking any medication either so it was great to find something that worked and wasn't medication

It's hard to do anything about difficult life circumstances but do everything you can in terms of nutrition, supplementing vitamins and minerals.

You can order private blood tests to see if you have any deficiencies, Medichecks do a Well woman set of tests which are really easy to arrange.

What I describe as an “emotional breakdown” involved making plans to kill myself that I had the intent and the means to follow through on but I was outwardly functioning, going to work most of the time, getting DC to school, cooking dinner etc. I was the only parent (DH had died) with no childcare except for when I was at work. I “got better” in that I don’t feel like that today but I don’t necessarily believe it won’t come back. I was prescribed antidepressants but can’t take them because I am too scared of the side effects and the people who say they make you feel worse before you feel better, I do realise that’s not very sensible and I would advise you to seriously consider them. Like someone else said, I found the Samaritans helpful but have also found them unhelpful on another occasion. I honestly can’t say what made things better other than keeping going even though I really didn’t want to until things felt a little bit more manageable.
I really hope things feel a bit better for you soon.
I am 42, and now a bit worried by all the people saying peri menopause caused their breakdown because I still have that to come but can’t go through another time like that.

I don't think it was peri with me. I think my life was just a total mess tbh.

I had a mini breakdown after various crises where I lost/nearly lost loved ones and a period of extreme stress/anxiety/worry. Just lost the ability to properly function. Can remember trying to buy Christmas presents and walking round a shop like I was walking through treacle whilst lost in a grey fog.

It took me around six months to get a bit better. 3 months of lots of crying/not doing much except bare minimum. Then 3 months of gradually picking myself up off the floor. I decided not to take meds as I felt like I could get through it without and I didn't want to become dependent.

I did the following: made a mental list of things that made me feel better/more positive and tried to do those things every day (Eg exercise, shower, play music, good diet, no alcohol, walks in nature etc). I also made a mental list of small jobs that could be done which would improve my living space when I felt up to it (Eg small cleaning/decluttering jobs). I aimed to do one thing per day. I also did a martial arts based fitness class where we used to do punchbag routines and I really went to town visualising the things I hated (depression/cancer etc) and beating them up. The adrenaline kick after forcing myself to go to that class was the only time I would feel vaguely 'normal'.

Once I was starting to feel better I focused on longer term aims. Luckily by then most of my crises were resolved and I felt like I could move on. Seven years later my life is completely different and I feel stronger for having beaten it. I really hope you find a way through and get back to yourself. Don't beat yourself up and allow time to heal/resolve things. Tiny steps!

It sounds to me like what you need is more support. You say the housework has slid and the place is a bit of a pit.. why can’t your partner sort this out? You said work full time in a professional role, why are you responsible for the housework?
You’ve had to ask him to step up and give emotional support to the kids and he’s “trying” to do that. That doesn’t sound great. Or that he’s easily exasperated. He doesn’t sound like he’s being supportive enough.

I agree with this. The big job and all the home responsibilities sounds like a huge amount of work.

I had a wobble a few years back, various life stuff and marriage break up. Three things helped me - one was taking up running, once I felt capable. Nothing quick, not huge distances, but the fresh air, sunshine and exercise simultaneously did help. Then there was picking up my writing, journalling feelings and emotions and putting those into fiction. Thirdly, audio books, when I felt as though my thoughts were spiralling down, I would put on something that I had to concentrate on and it stopped me getting locked in a cycle of thinking about things I could do nothing about.

I also watched a phenomenal amount of 'Come Dine With Me', but your tastes may vary.

None of these may be of any good to you, but the more suggestions you get, the more activities you have to choose from, which may help.

In my 50s, very low due to all sorts, eventually went to doctor, whacked on to anti-depressants for about a year, also 6 sessions of counselling on the NHS. I continued to pay privately for some counselling, read self-help books and wanted to get better. Slid back a bit 2 years later but didn't need any pills. To my surprise it was my life from the start that needed to be talked about - nothing awful, just life. I got better. Millions go through bad times and they improve. You are not alone. I hope this is a positive story.