If you have boys, and you have a fantastic relationship with them as adults and their partners and their children, what did you do to ensure that?

[Futureeee]

I keep hearing people say that they know their daughter will always be close, but not their son.

I have no daughters! And I love my children and want to be a part of their lives as they grow up.

So if you have a fantastic relationship with your adult son, he rings you and likes being around you and you get on well with partners / in the children’s lives, how did you make that happen?

I don’t have adult kids yet. But my mum has a son, my brother and they are very close. I think it’s because my mum is not over bearing, and when they meet it’s for an activity such as running or dog walking. So they have a shared interest.

My dh and his mum are not so close, my dh tolerates his mum as she is a fusser, over bearing and they have nothing in common so a visit is an awkward small talk chat over a cup of tea.

It’s an interesting question. As adults they need you to be supportive, loving a critical friend, a listening ear without judgement. This develops as they get older and the relationship you have with them moves from that which you have with a child to being like adult friends.

I hear this a lot on mumsnet but the only real life example I know is my grandma. She treated her sons like princes and did everything for them... now it's her daughters who bother with her.

I know far too many mummy's boys who prioritise their mum's feelings over their partner's though! They seem to get a big dose of emotional blackmail and relied upon for lots of things...

I don't want either scenario with my sons. I'm hoping that teaching them to think about others (even daft things like helping them choose thoughtful birthday presents), pull their weight in the house, and avoiding emotional blackmail at all costs will work 🤞

Ds23 has a long term girlfriend, I hope I do and can get it right!! I try not to be too overbearing. I do not get involved in the decisions they make on how to live their lives. I am welcoming and open with her. I do really like her and we do all get on. I am aware it can be a difficult relationship. My DMIL was awful to me so want it to be different.

I have three boys but the eldest is only 13, so no experience of it personally.

However my mum and dad are very close to my brothers and their wives. My brothers have been with them now wives since they were 16 so they've always been around, and my parents just welcomed them in from day one and treated them with respect. They were allowed to stay over, come on holiday with us etc (same as my husband!). They've given advice where it's been asked for but never overstepped when it comes to raisning their children, have helped out with emergency childcare (they both still work full time so can't look after them in days) and babysat so my brothers and their wives could go out.

They've just treated them like family and respect but respected boundaries when necessary. Now, as we are all married with our children, we are all SUPER close despite geographically living all over the U.K and regularly have big family get together where we all just cram into my mum and dads house for a weekend.

I hope to do the same with my future daughter in laws (or son in laws!). I make my home as welcoming as possible for all of their friends

Following as I have a toddler son and am keen to read these posts.

I have two adult ds we all get on, I think we all have a good sense of humour which helps. We aren't in each other's pockets, but when we meet up we enjoy it. They will always try to help me out or be available if I need them.
How did I do it? I just loved them and encouraged them, and I've always been there for them. Both of them have had the odd difficult patch in their lives, and I've always supported them through those times.

I do think personality traits come into play here.

MIL is lovely and supportive and I know dh loves her but he doesn’t keep her involved in his life particularly.

The men in my family who are very close with their families all had fathers who set a very good example.

Don’t be gendered in your upbringing of your sons. Don’t say ‘boys will be boys, don’t assume that having feelings, valuing relationships and closeness are not qualities men can and should have. What are you and your DH/DP, if you have one, modelling for your sons in terms of who does what emotional ‘work’ in the family? Who sends birthday cards, arranges meals or visits to your sons’ grandparents and other family? Do your children see their father having a good relationship with his parents, being in contact often, enjoying talking to them, being involved in their lives, communicating with them?

This is it. Two sons in their 30s, both married with children. We’re still close and I’m always there to listen.

And with the DILs I never interfere, complain or criticise. Let them take the lead.

When they were younger, I was their cheerleader and support (not when they were in the wrong). Mutual respect and affection is everything.

Don’t interfere, that’s the bottom line. DS has a GF and is 23 and her and I get on really well. I have fingers crossed they marry. She knows full well I would not automatically take his side just because he is my DS.

DS and I also have two hobbies in common, we both love gaming and though he is more in to it than me we do both like football.

My husband isn't massively close with his mum. She was very over baring when he was a young adult (as was his dad), both getting upset when he didn't inform them of things (little things like booking weekends away). They also got upset when he independently took over his GP care, dentist etc as they felt he was pulling away (he lived 50 miles away).

They had an idea in their head that he'd graduate from university and move back home to commute into London in a massive graduate job and he didn't (of course I'm mostly to blame for this as we met as students).

He is 42 and they recently redecorated 'his' bedroom, still like a teenage boys room just in case he ever needs to go and live there again. He hasn't lived there since he was 18.

They are bonkers though.

I don’t ever criticise DIL, not that I would as she is very good for DS & I take her side when I think he’s wrong. I also don’t get too involved in stuff that doesn’t concern me and I’m pretty much always available to help if they ask for help.

Family invites always include the whole family and not just DS, they come as a pair.

If he calls for advice, and he does, I try to give it from all perspectives and let him make his own mind up.

As children, DH worked away for days at a time, so it was pretty much me as the only parent, I think the bond goes back to those days, I am the go to person.

We treat them to holidays and meals out as they’re skint and we aren’t. 😀

I have two sons in their 20s and I'm very close to them. They don't have partners though, so that's not relevant. I think it's something you nurture from the time they are born. You have a pattern of being there for them, supporting them and being someone they know is safe to come to if they need anything.

That said, I do think you could do everything right and still have a son who ends up not being close. Sometimes personality comes into it too.

I have 2 boys. We are very close. I have just come back from holiday eith one of them. My dbro sees my mum much more than I do as they live much closer. DH talks to his mum every week, and we spend. more time with her than his sister, who lives closer. In my experience, mother/daughter relationships are far more complex than mother/son. I know more adult women who don't get on with their mothers or have difficult relationships with them ( as I did, not so much now) than I do men.

I guess one thing is take an interest in what interests them. We watched films together on their recommendations, swapped books, had lots of chats about what they liked and how it linked to things we’d liked too.

We play together. Have board game sessions, quizzes, watch movies or tv specials together, wait to see the latest Marvel film until they’re visiting etc.

They are in their early to mid twenties. Who knows what things will be like in 20 years.

Then again, my brother is in his fifties and plays backgammon and loses at cards over a takeaway every Wednesday, so I guess we’ve got form.

I’m a parent of very young kids and been married over a decade so I can’t speak to what I will do but I HOPE to remain close to all my children and there partners

what I would have appreciated from my MIL and FIL when it because obvious be were going to get married is one of them to sit down and say “Thunderpants, we love seeing our son so happy with you and you have brought him and us joy. It is hard becoming part of another family and finding your way as a couple. We don’t yet know all the ways to love you but we want to put it out that if there is anything you are struggling with in our family dynamic talk to DH and please know our door is open if you want to talk to us too”

as it happens it was never necessary as they are the salt of the earth but I would have felt more secure just having had this on the table from the off and knowing they appreciated it can be difficult

I keep hearing people say that they know their daughter will always be close, but not their son

Well firstly, this is absolute bollocks because I know plenty of women who dont talk to their mothers and cant stand them/have gone no contact and equally I know plenty of men who adore their mums and see them a lot. Generalisations like this are just silly. I also think there is a huge double standard with perceptions on this. Eg if a woman talks to her mum daily its considered normal and fine but if a man does it he gets called a "mummy's boy" which is really gross because if you want men to be close to their parents then you dont shame them for it.

I am very close to both my boys and its because I took time to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship with them. I support them, they support me and we are there for each other, we enjoy talking about life and various topics but equally we give each other space when we need it. Its basically a combination of love and healthy boundaries.

I have a close relationship with my 2 sons, I found raising them easier than my daughter I’m close to her and she still lives at home, but my sons are more mellow !

when they were teenagers we went through the normal teenage stuff but got to the end. My youngest was the most difficult pregnant girlfriend at 21, but again we got through it.

i think I’ve always tried to listen to their point of view, and let them make mistakes but always been there to pick up the pieces, nothing big just non love changing mistakes but they learn from them.

they are now 30 and 27 still with their beautiful partners, youngest gone on to have 2 more children and they are a perfect family. Things were difficult at first with my DIL she was 20 and pregnant and scared I tried to help her (her mother was no help didn’t and still doesn’t want to know to busy loving her life to care about her daughter) she had bad depression after her first baby and it was hard, I stepped back and just did what I could in the background let them find their feet but always letting them know I was here when they every needed me. I now have a wonderful relationship with them, 2 more adorable grandchildren we see and speak all the time. I’m aware she’s my DIL so try not to overstep but I love her like a daughter, she once asked me why I forgiven her for all the horrid things she said and did for those bad 6 months, and I can honestly answer that because she makes my son so happy and I love her.

my other DIL is new to the family, but I wouldn’t be without her.

i think the secret is to accept that you might not have chosen the partners your son chooses but to understand that they see something you don’t and to learn to love them for that simple reason. Maybe I’m lucky I have honestly grown to love my DIL’S

im not very good at explaining myself I think what il trying to say is, to let your sons grow into the men they are supposed to be and to pick the partners they love and to just love them for that even if you don’t like what they’re doing. If things go wrong be there pick up the pieces but never never say I told you so, or anything like that. Basically treat them with respect and love and they will treat you the same, and just let them grow and do their thing

I think I have good relationships with my sons because I’ve always supported, encouraged and been their biggest cheerleader. I’ve never put them down or made them feel “less than”. They know they’re loved and can come to me for anything. My oldest son (36) is my favourite person in the world. He is expecting a baby with his gf and I’m going to let them do their own thing but help when asked (if that makes sense); not be the interfering MIL.

Saying that - taking an interest in what interested them was SO TEDIOUS in the early years. So, so boring. I know more than anyone needs to about Power Rangers, Thunderbirds, Pokémon, Warhammer, manga etc etc. My Mastermind specialist subject could be the works of Thomas The Tank Engine and how not to gnaw off your own leg while reading them aloud.

But it mattered to them, so it mattered to me.

(With DD I reserved a special place in hell for the writing team of Rainbow fucking Fairies, too.)

DH and I are very close to MIL. I'd say that a lot of it hinges on PIL having always treated him (once he was an adult) as an adult. I know people say 'your children are not your friends', but once they've grown I think if you can foster an adult:adult relationship, that's a good thing.

By extension, they've always treated me like an adult. Never interfered, only gave advice if asked for, etc. MIL is amazing with DD and has always followed our lead, taking on board that some things have changes since she raised her own, supportive of our decisions.

It probably helps that we live close, but we see her twice a week ish, holiday together (with SIL and family as well) do reciprocal dog care, etc.

Most people would probably hate seeing their MIL so much, but I find her so much easier to get along with than my DM, because it's always been an adult relationship.

My sons are 28 and 16 and both still at home (for the moment). Ds1 moved out, then back, then out, then back- the next time hopefully will be the one that sticks!
His girlfriend is lovely.

I don't know how I got lucky enough to have a good relationship with both- I can say that I've always made sure they were 'heard'- never dismissed things they said as stupid/wrong/childish. I've had very few rules- I've trusted them to behave themselves and treat other people with kindness.

We holiday together still- always active holidays, rather than lying on a beach. They get an equal say in where we go and what we do, even if I'm paying (not that I pay for ds1 now, but ds2 has as equal a say as I do).

I have been a single parent to both (two ex husbands!), that might be a factor. They've seen first hand that I will always be there, supporting, championing- and pointing out when they've gone wrong.

I guess I just like them as people? My mother saw me and my siblings as extensions of herself, but I've always seen my boys as interesting, funny and kind of fascinating people in their own right.

Thanks for posting this - intrigued by the responses as a mum of 2 boys under 2!