No sex drive after baby

[Sweeetcorn]

Youngest DD is 6mo now. Haven’t had sex with DH since before she was born - near the end I’m too heavy and uncomfortable and after the birth really wasn’t ready. I had a c section

I’ve been EBF too so I just haven’t had any energy left after running around after our eldest, breast feeding and just general life!

I feel drained and just no in the mood ever

we have struggled a bit with 2nd baby we’ve grew apart but our eldest is 2y 5m so still young so it’s been tough on us but I’ve heard it is on any relationship with young kids

youngest won’t settle with ANYONE else either :( gets very upset if I’m not there so I haven’t been able to leave her with anyone

is this normal??? It’s not my DH, I just have 0 desire to have sex or do anything sexual!!!! At all

Yes, of course it's normal. You're exhausted and all touched out.

Same age gap here. Exhaustion for sure! Your libido is likely to stay low until you stop breastfeeding. DH and I haven’t had sex since we conceived our 13mo.

i think it’s coming up to a year no sex - this is normal considering our circumstances isn’t it?

Don’t want to say the word but slightly triggered I seen a stupid article type on Facebook before about relationships clicked on it and it said your relationship is dead without sex etc so now overthinking !!!

It's so normal. My DD has just turned 2 and have only just got my mojo back!

People say that there is no relationship without sex but if it’s temporary and you love each other, and are still affectionate, it’ll weather the storm.

6 years later and mine is still not back to normal!

Affection is low but at the end of the day I just want to be alone. Again it’s not him but it’s just I have nothing to give ? If that makes sense :( :/

So so common. I've discussed this issue with other mum friends and we all feel exactly as you do. I've got an older toddler and a young toddler who I bf, and once they're asleep, I just want to collapse into bed with a cuppa and be left alone 😂

When you are putting all of your energy into meeting the needs of your baby and are struggling to meet your own needs (sleep, eat, self-care etc), of course you are not able to give anymore to another person.

If you want to solve this, then you partner needs to focus on meeting your needs by stepping up with the DCs and giving you time for yourself, only then will you have the time and inclination to be intimate. Your baby is only 6mo, so now is the perfect time to set the tone for the rest of your relationship, otherwise the lack of sex and resentment from both of you will ruin the marriage.

It's normal after giving birth and taking care of kids all day and breastfeeding. I only started feeling more interested when I stopped feeding. Also the more I have DD around me the lower my libido is. When I am away from her it's like my sex drive is increasing.

I'm sorry .. but I am going to tell you like it is .. rather than how it should be..

I am 58. My husband and I divorced after 20 years together.. the sole reason was my complete disinterest in sex with him (or anyone tbh) .. babies took it my spare time and I was just too lazy/touched out .. to do it .

The less you do it the less you want it .. it's biological.. I was done at 3 babies..

Don't be me.. I lost a great man and a great father (who remains this to this day) .. as women we get our joy from motherhood.. breast feeding, raising, being the centre of our world.. but you need to put something into your relationship as men don't have that .. all the bollox about 'they need to give you time ' is just that .. self indulgent bollox..

If you want to save your marriage HAVE SEX !! If you don't then don't .. and he WILL look elsewhere.. not good, not right but that is the way of human mammals .. biology trumps all.

I was the same. It was also quite uncomfortable at first- everything down there felt sort of enlarged and floppy and a bit sore. Use lubricant, and warn your partner to go gently. It got better again, and ... they don't notice the changes.

But do make the effort- husbands can feel so pushed out by the baby becoming your world. This is a key part of helping them feel important still. I never feel like it, but once we ate going, I do enjoy it.

If you want to solve this, then you partner needs to focus on meeting your needs by stepping up with the DCs and giving you time for yourself, only then will you have the time and inclination to be intimate.

How do you know he's not already trying? Many husbands step up and help as much as they can.

Most parents with young children rarely have sex. They're exhausted, juggling work, childcare, house chores, and everything else. Sex often feels like a chore when there's no energy left.

I'm pretty sure after a year, neither of you would have much interest anymore. Usually, after that, it becomes two years, and eventually, it's just something you stop doing altogether.

Many men cope by masturbating once or twice a week.

Sex tends to become nearly nonexistent with young children. It depends on how important it is in your relationship.

Does he show any interest?

If it's already been a year, he's likely adapted by now. A few more weeks or months probably won't make a difference.

He’s asked but I have just point blank told him I have no sex drive and he obviously won’t force me to do anything so yeH

i feel weird about having sex too? Like i feel that im disgusting and shouldn’t it’s a weird feeling?

Speak for yourself.

I don’t think ‘sex tends to become nonexistent with young children’ for ‘most parents’.

Yes it’s normal for it not to be a priority for a while when touched out and exhausted, but if you have a loving marriage that you are invested in and want to maintain, then it requires effort from both parties not to allow the relationship to dwindle into housemates and resentment.

OP’s DH has asked, so he’s clearly not happy with the lack of intimacy.

OP has a choice: either she tells him tough and faces the consequences of the marriage falling apart, or they work together so ensure everybody’s needs are being met.

Why do you feel disgusting? Perhaps you need to explain to him that you need to work on reclaiming ownership of your body first?

Communication is key here. You can’t just ignore the elephant in the room and expect the marriage to survive.

When was the last time he asked? How often have you said no over the past year? You may be at the housemates stage, and the ongoing rejection could lead to resentment.

This isn’t your fault; it’s how you feel, and you’re entitled to that.

You need to decide on a plan moving forward. If you feel disgusted and don’t want sex again, what are your husband’s options? Separation? Divorce? An open marriage?

Late last week he mentioned it and I opened up how my new body disgusts me and I’ve changed and I just have 0 sex drive.

he said he understood and that I wasn’t disgusting etc but understand I feel like that personally

i obviously know I need to have sex at some point but just hard when we get no time alone and I’m still so draiend

Parents often lose touch, feel exhausted, and lack energy, leading to sex becoming a very low priority. I've seen hundreds of posts about this on Mumsnet from both men and women.

In the OP's case, there is also a complete lack of sex drive accompanied by feelings of disgust, which appears to be a separate issue altogether.

I agree with everything else you’ve said.

Is there anything your husband can do to give you some alone time, allowing you to rest and sleep? I think that's the first priority.

Secondly, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence in how you look. This will take time and effort. It might be helpful for both of you to sit down and create a plan moving forward.

Consider setting checkpoints every month to see how the previous 4 weeks have gone?

hecould help out more tbh. Most of the parenting is down to me he works late and isn’t as patient as me so I take charge as I’m more patient and don’t work long hours
(ps he works from home before I hear people suggesting his working late is an affair. Lol)

yeah the confidence or lack of is a major issue. I feel disgusted at my new body and st the thought of me having sex. I need to pinpoint what’s make me feel better

The only way he’s going to learn patience is if you let him get on with it and don’t take over. Some men need instruction and teaching.

Perhaps start with alternating who does bedtime or put him in charge of the toddler while you prioritise the baby?

As for your body image, start by showing your body some kindness:

give yourself a mani-pedi,
shave/wax,
get some nice body lotion,
a face mask,
get a hair cut/colour,
drink more water,
eat more fruit + veg,
start incorporating a daily walk into you routine with the kids,
buy an outfit that makes you feel good.

You’re at risk of plodding along together rather than being a married couple.

i don’t think it’s normal to not have sex for over a year when you’re young, no health issues etc.

The more you push him away intimately, he’ll stop trying and being rejected by your partner once too many times will kill any desire he has for you.

any attention he gets from women will be a big thing for him and make him feel desired and bam an affair begins.

I think you need to try, you will most likely get into it once you start and then actually enjoy it.

marriages and relationships need to be worked at and saying you can’t be bothered, have no desire and won’t even try will cause tension in your marriage.

ive had 2 young children before, and 2 c sections and was having sex within 6 weeks of the birth of both of them.

...that's nearly 2 years. That's a long time.

If you are genuinely both perfectly happy with that, that's great, but that would worry me quite a bit. Sex is important to most people, but lack of sex can easily end up in a vicious cycle where not having it makes you want it less and that aspect of your relationship just dies. Yes it's tough when your kids are tiny, it can be tough when they're older too, but if you don't prioritise your shared sex life at least occasionally it can grow into a really big problem.