I didn't get the job

[WingingIt101]

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I work in a fairly niche role and have done so for around 15 years, working my way up and - if i may say so - I am very good at what I do.

3 years ago I moved from a prestigious company who underpaid and traded on the brand name to another organisation in the same industry with zero kudos but better pay and work life balance.

That was a mistake. They don't care about the function I run. There is zero buy in no matter how hard I try, how much evidence I present. I firmly believe I am a box ticked "yes we have that function and oh look it's filled by a woman!" (Very heavily male dominated industry. It is making me miserable and I feel turning my brain to mush as I'm not using my skills.

I have been applying for jobs and never get anywhere. I have had a professional cv writer review my CV and used that for applications. I take time to personalise my applications to the roles. I only apply for roles that I can demonstrate I have done 90%+ of the things on the job spec.
I have applied within my current industry and outside of it.
Nothing. Not ever getting out of the cv sift.

Then I was approached. I met with the ceo of the hiring firm. They flew me out to head office to meet everyone. They knew the only thing missing from my application was experience in this specific industry.
I heard today I didn't get it and they've offered someone with industry experience. I'm absolutely gutted.

My self esteem is on the floor anyway and I stupidly let myself hope I might get this role. It was so interesting and I know I could have done it well. I feel like I'm never enough. I'm never good enough.

I have spent this evening wallowing in self pity. The horrible little bully in my head tells me I'm not enough in anything - rubbish mum, useless wife, no friends and now not even capable of getting a good job so I should just accept 30 more years in this crap one, hating it.

I can't just take any old job. We rely on my income and the fact I can work compressed hours to make my family life manageable. I'd found a job that ticked the boxes and I just wasn't good enough for it.

I don't know what I'm expecting people to say, I've just been in tears and having a wallow.

This must be tough, but can you focus on the fact that you "can work compressed hours to make (your) family life manageable" - whilst making good money?

And keep applying, but maybe with the help of a job coach and/or a recruiter?

Aw, OP, I don't blame you for feeling upset. Any of us would have felt dissapointed after that.

I'm sure you aren't crap at all. It makes sense that if the business had 2 good candidates to pick from, they'd go for the one with industry experience. I understand it still feels crap though.

You mention only applying for roles when you have over 90% of the requirements- go for a few roles where you have less 'desirable' skills, as long as you meet any essential criteria. You also mention looking outside of your current industry- are there any other industries where you could transfer your skills that you haven't looked at yet? Any training that would clinch the deal for you? Alternatively, is it possible to move sideways with your current employer to round out your experience a bit more?

It's so hard when you dare to hope and it is crushed. You are allowed to feel low over it.

Next one will be yours...

Sorry to hear, it's really tough to take.
Let yourself take a little time to wallow, then pick yourself back up and try again. Other opportunities will come up, they always do, and one will have your name on it.
Is there anything you can do to try and improve skills/experience in the meantime? Might be a welcome distraction and give you a bit more confidence ready for next time.

The fact that they flew you out says they really rated you. You must be very good at what you do - be proud, keep applying and you will get there. Best of luck (doesn’t sound like you need it though!)

Oh gosh I don't think I expected any replies - thank you so much.

You are all very sensible and pragmatic. I'm just in the wallow phase right now! I shall squirrel away the very good suggestions of training / lateral moves to improve experience and in a day or two when I've remembered there are two little girls watching my every move I'll pick myself up and carry on.
It already feels lighter just having written it all down and having you very kind lot say nice things to a total stranger on the internet. Thank you.

To be honest, you may have to reduce your 'wish list'for the jobs you are applying for. If it is tough to find a job in the industry you are in, or roles you have transferable skills in, you may need to look at roles were you can't work compressed hours from the start.

I know that's what you want, but it may not be possible so you may have to open up to other ways of working, even full time 5 days a week. Then maybe request this after you have got the job & proved yourself.

That is what I would do if ibwas desperate to move to another role.

Good luck though, you'll find something eventually.

I would apply for a few jobs using a male name and see what happens.

I mean, that's all very well, but what about when the OP turns up to an interview?

I think you might have been "pipped at the post". And as @TheBossOfMe says, they would not have gone to that effort had you not been perfect for the job, so please take heart, you will get the next one, or the one after that - albeit I understand the niche market thing. When you apply you often don't know the back story that there has been someone they have been thinking of in the position for a while, and sometimes they need a stalking horse to make it above board. It would not matter for a minute if you had put on the best interview ever, were perfectly qualified and could have made a difference, it is not about you, it is about them, and their preferred candidate. Please be kind to yourself, allow a couple of days of wallowing, reflection and time with your girls, but then, go dust yourself down, and get ready for the next jig. Ask for feedback also when you are ready for it, I think you are entitled to it if you have flown for an interview, and no harm can come from the asking. It might be wishy washy, but it might have some nuggets in there which you can work on. Sometimes that door closing means a better one opens. Reference: hiring for the Big 4. Hope this helps xxx

Well that's dead easy - just claim it's your preferred first name. Unusual but you like it. If anyone asks about pro nouns just say she/her/dinosaur is just fine.

I mean, that's all very well, but what about when the OP turns up to an interview?

It's 2024. She can say she's a man. 😁

Maybe an androgynous name then. Sam or Chris or something.

It's worth trying, to see if it's the being a woman that's holding her back (I bet it is).

I second the male name trick, Alex is always a good one or max.

Sorry OP that sounds tough, I think a good old wallow is sometimes what we need. I work in the creative industry so we pitch and apply for tenders every few months and rarely win, so I'm used to rejection and actually feel pretty shocked when we win!

But I've come to enjoy the wallow phase.

And almost always get to the "well we didn't want it anyway" phase, and make myself laugh.

And, sorry just to add, despite it being a male-dominated industry, some of the suggestions that you present yourself as a man by your CV and then present yourself as a woman who is known by another name are barking mad. Fair enough if you do not want to continue to work in for organisations that favour male candidates, or have a positive gender bias towards females, that's fine, but I suspect that's not the main issue here...be who you are.

Thank you everyone - it's been lovely to wake up to so many supportive comments, makes you realise it's good to voice these things and people will be kind!

Thank you for the suggestions. As for changing my name, I understand the "test" but know the second I arrived at an interview with a different name and my female body that would put the interviewer on the back foot and likely piss them off meaning I'd be rejected on that grounds.

Also the principled side of me says if they don't want to see me based on my sex (even if that's an unconscious bias) then that's not somewhere I want to work

I'm feeling the same right now. I took time out to be a SAHM and trying to get back into work. I'm getting interviews for every position I apply for, but they're always giving the job to someone with more experience. Which is clear from my CV! It's very demoralising. I just missed out on a job I really wanted which was both in my area of interest and had great benefits, which really hurts. The number of jobs that have set days in mind but don't specify that until interview (I'm looking for part time around nursery) so completely waste my time is also getting to me.

No advice other than keep on trying when things come up, but it's so demoralising and makes you feel utterly useless.

I’m where you are op! Been the bridesmaid not the bride a few times now - getting down to the last two and then losing out is shit! And the ‘winner takes all’ element to recruitment is by its very nature, rubbish, as you put so much prep time in only to come away with nothing if you don’t get the role. So I sympathise. We just need to keep plugging away I think. I have another interview coming up - fingers crossed for this one. I’m rooting for you too.

Just don't use your full name on your CV, only use your first initial.

My name is androgynous and people are often surprised I'm not a man (in male dominated industry). I vividly remember being told as a girl to use my initial only on CVs and university submissions though to combat sexism in early 2000s. No Miss or Mrs either. Don't know why that has stopped, it clearly needs to continue for everyone.

On the job front though, can you pick up extra skills through your current job? Do you have a personal development plan that you can use to get them to let you gain skills in other areas? Anything that will help stop your brain leaking out of your ears while you're looking for something else - which you will find. Other places need to tick the box with a woman too hahaha (half joking)

Edit missed a word

Hi OP

Sorry you are feeling like this. This may not be relevant to you at all, and I may be projecting, but a couple of things you said reminded me of me: "We rely on my income and the fact I can work compressed hours to make my family life manageable." And you have "two little girls watching your every move". And your previous role being underpaid.

I have a back story about burnout, overachieving without the approval recognition. I was really struggling with finding purpose, even though I didn't stop ever stop, working, volunteering, children etc. I made a sideways move into a different industry 3 years ago. It's slower paced. I absolutely hated it.

But, and this is why I posted, I used that time to prioritise other parts of my life, the children, home and friends. What I'm saying, if it's of any relevance, is that we don't need to go at everything 100% all of the time. I'm so sorry that your current job is so awful; do plan your way out, but in the meantime, you can take the opportunity it gives you, that you're not emotionally invested. Just do what's expected of you at work and save your energy to have fun with your children and friends. You says you're a rubbish mum and friend. I doubt it, but this could be a good time to improve how you feel about those relationships. Work's purpose for you at the moment could be to give your family enough income during compressed hours which leaves you with free time, eg meet a friend for a 30 minute walk at lunch if you WFH. I'm not saying settle with this for years but certainly for me, for the first time ever, work wasn't my no. 1 priority and my relationships have really improved as a result.

This may all be totally odd kilter and projected. If so, sorry!

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. The job search is brutal and it's an employers market for sure. I wouldn't change your name - tbh I don't much think it matters these days, there are so many chasing each job that recruiters can be really fussy about experience.

On the CV, are you tweaking it for each role ? Getting it done professionally is great, but make sure you are still coming through.

If you can try to focus on the positive whilst continuing to job hunt, you have a well paid job with compressed working hours. Is there anything that can be done to make it more palatable, even if it's a sideline in the role ? Can your DH retrain to make more money?

I cross posted with @CheshireSplat , her words are very wise.
Sometimes- particularly when DCs are young - it's good enough to be treading water. As long as you love and look after your DCs and both of you are demonstrably contributing to the household equally, then you're setting an amazing example to them already.

@CheshireSplat I'm not OP but having similar feelings and your post has really helped me, thank you. Putting my energy into the things I can control and appreciating the good aspects are things I really should do, rather than putting all my happiness and self esteem into this one area that isn't going well.

I don't think I've ever had so many replies and all of them so kind!

I'm sorry others have been in this position and felt similar.

Thank you to the poster who reminded me of what I can focus on and that there are benefits to my current - albeit crappy - job. I shall try to enjoy that whilst I plan my escape

You've all really buoyed me up. Thank you.

Thank you! Treading water is a good way to put it. I might head back off into front crawl in a few years. Or I may not! And the fact I don't know now, is fine.

I'm so pleased! It has been a long journey for me to get to this place, had a lot of help from Mumsnet along the way.