I very much dislike my neighbour

[LynetteScavo]

I need a revenge plot that I'll never actually use, but will make me feel better imagining it.

I've been woken up every day last week at 5:30 by neighbours extremely loud car exhaust. I don't know why he can't just pull off his drive and lets the car run for a couple of minutes while he gaffs around. And now he has cracked out the chain saw to trim everything in his garden while I was tying to have a quiet lunch.

Thai nonsense has been going on since he moved in years ago.

DH has told me I'm not allowed to throw a rock over the hedge onto his head. But I'd quite like to.

I can't start making a din myself when he doesn't want to hear it without disturbing the other, lovely neighbours. I need another plan, even if I never go through with it.

I did comment "It's loud isn't it!'" when he popped his head over the hedge. He smiled and nodded.

CurlewKate · Yesterday 15:41

For goodness sake! Sensible suggestions like that are exactly what this thread does not need!

Potatoes in the exhaust don't work. We tried it on a hated deputy head's car and it just produces a tuberous cannon ball... I definitely wouldn't suggest anything criminal, such as sneaking round at 3am and spraying builder's expanding foam up his exhaust.

And certainly don't wait until he's on holiday, poke lots of holes in his lawn with a sharpened broomshank and push prawns into the holes. Oh no, that would be terrible.

We had shitty neighbors once.
I don’t remember their real name.
We called them The Demons.

Chronic noise pollution causes strokes and heart attacks, mental health issues and can destroy lives.

The only people who don't care about that are the sort of people who don't care about harming other people.

When I had a noisy neighbour I used to day dream about destroying the electricity box/power lines so they could play nothing and use nothing till they got it fixed. Years ago I used to day dream about putting sugar in the noisy neighbour's petrol tank, till I found out that it doesn't necessarily do much harm.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0013935122015766#:~:text=The%20risk%20of%20stroke%20incidence,A)%20increment%20in%20noise%20exposure.

https://www.victorchang.edu.au/blog/noise-light-pollution-heart-disease#:~:text=This%20impact%20was%20amplified%20when,that%20experienced%20a%20heart%20attack.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/noise-pollution-health-effects#:~:text=Impact%20on%20mental%20health,person's%20sensitivity%20to%20stress%20increases%20.

There are some excellent ideas for a novel on here.

I've always fancied the idea of the poisonous dart, administered by a blow pipe. Of course, lots of garden plants are poisonous but you'd have to know what you were doing. And never forget your lap top etc would be seized if any suspicion were ever to fall on you. So be careful with your searches.

I hear there's a poison museum or garden somewhere up north ...

The Poison Garden is at Alnwick Castle.

I am on holiday from work this week. Noisy neighbour woke me up at 5:30am today with his bloody exhaust. I lay in bed wondering what a potato up the exhaust would result in.

There is a lot of CCTV around here though. My neighbours like their vehicles, but so do the thieves, it seems - so I would have to be VERY careful.

I shall research poisons tomorrow. I don't want to get into a war with a NNDN (noisy next door neighbour) just incase the house is on fire and I need him to dial 999 or something. I just want him to shut up.

Isn't there a dog whistle to train dogs to stop barking? Get one of those!

Sounds like a neighbour I used to live next to - for years. Only did things that made a horrific racket. It was never going to get better. Thankfully I moved.

No cunning revenge plot from me I afraid - I just have to comment as it broke me out in a cold sweat...

Well he needs to cut his garden doesn't he? That's not unreasonable!
Why is he starting his car at 5.30am, is he going somewhere?

Keep bees. Keep really aggressive bees and keep them right up against the fence. Keep some around the front where he starts his car. If you can get some of those Killer African bees that would be good.

He won't hang around then. Plus, you will have honey. (Get a really good beekeeper's suit though).

Why is he starting his car at 5.30am, is he going somewhere? He's going to work - that I have no issue with, it's his ridiculous exhaust that's the problem. Yesterday I was on my sofa when he started up his car and my whole living room seemed to vibrate.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I'm loving the bees idea! I've always wanted bees!