I very much dislike my neighbour

[LynetteScavo]

I need a revenge plot that I'll never actually use, but will make me feel better imagining it.

I've been woken up every day last week at 5:30 by neighbours extremely loud car exhaust. I don't know why he can't just pull off his drive and lets the car run for a couple of minutes while he gaffs around. And now he has cracked out the chain saw to trim everything in his garden while I was tying to have a quiet lunch.

Thai nonsense has been going on since he moved in years ago.

DH has told me I'm not allowed to throw a rock over the hedge onto his head. But I'd quite like to.

I can't start making a din myself when he doesn't want to hear it without disturbing the other, lovely neighbours. I need another plan, even if I never go through with it.

I did comment "It's loud isn't it!'" when he popped his head over the hedge. He smiled and nodded.

I'm surrounded by 3 different neighbours with very loud motorbikes who seem to be on a mission to out-early each other every morning. 2 just start up and go, but one, like your neighbour, turns it on the faffs around for 5 minutes before powering off like it's the TT (then slamming on to turn the corner, then revving again, then slamming on to turn the next corner). Egregious but the type you do not want to get on the wrong side of so no one says anything.

I was going to say the gravy / lawn / fox / rain suggestion was tenuous but no cats should be hurt in the making of this fantasy.

Sorry you’ve had such a rough time of if OP. So sorry for your loss.

Chuck a load of poppy seeds over the fence? I mean, I like them and think they look pretty but if he likes a flat lawn…

You totally get me! I've told DH if I got up on the flat roof with gun I could take the neighbour out. DH has pointed out I have no access to a gun.

You could develop an appreciation for opera while gardening. Sing along. Badly. Another option would be American-style, happy-clappy gospel music or Christian rock music. Invite the neighbours to join in. Start indulging your passion for BBQing, smudging your garden with burning sage (really stinks), slow-cooking onion and garlic-laden curries. You could grow a wildflower lawn with lots of dandelions. Make sure to blow the seeds over the fence (make a wish each time - “I wish the Neighbour would move”)

The police were worse than useless and the CPS decided not to prosecute in the end. The who,e debacle went on for 18 months and loads of things happened in that time and every aspect of our lives was affected.

We couldn't sell our house as neighbour would come out ranting and raving so we ended up part exchanging it to the builder, David Wilson for what we bought it for.

They then put it up for sale for loads less, like 20% less, to offload it. It was the first house to be resold so that dragged the prices down for everyone else so that was a bit of good news.

I should probably confess that during lockdown , when I was in a growing veg phase, after dark I would chuck slugs found on my veg over the hedge into his garden. I don't think the next door neighbour cared as he only has lawn, but it made me feel better, mwhahaha!

Btw, we had horrible neighbours with horrible, nasty, thieving kids. I planted every kind of prickly climbing rose against that fence and giant sunflowers that eclipsed their view of our garden. I accidentally left the ten hour version of “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows” playing on YouTube when I went out for the night against their bedroom wall. The next weekend was “Here’s a Llama, There’s a Llama” on repeat…

(this was after they poisoned our dog and she needed emergency surgery in the middle of the night.)

Ask him politely whether there is something wrong with his car exhaust as it's so noisy.

Have you tried just talking to him about it?"i don't know if you realise, but your car is really loud in the morning. Could you perhaps only start it when you're setting off?"

Right. OK. Let’s workshop this. Husband is unfortunately right, you can’t have a gun. But…you could have a blow pipe. And what if that foul smelling liquid could be pelletised? And what if you went up onto the flat roof (ninja outfit optional) and administered one quick puff to the back of his neck? He might think he’d been stung by a wasp and you’d be back down off the flat roof and cracking open a can of ready mixed G&T by the time the awful enormity of what really just happened was starting to become clear to him.

I feel for you OP. Our last neighbours were like yours. Noisy from day 1 and we endured it for about 10 years. Then this year they moved to a new place about 50 miles away! The new couple who have moved in are so quiet I forget they're even there. So I hope your neighbour also moves and that you have kind peaceful considerate people move in. I also want to say I'm sorry for your loss and everything you're dealing with. I do know how it is when you're feeling as you are and then noisy bugger neighbours make it even harder. Big cuddle and a hand hold OP.

Wait til winter. Break off a long and sharp icicle. Hurt it like a dart at his head and kill him. The ice melts. You are not in the frame. Quiet returned.

I think you and OP and several on this thread (inc me) would make really good friends!

I forgot to add my petty revenge idea. You could him up to as many random things as you could find- I'm thinking Scientology etc. Use his address whenever you're asked for your address for marketing purposes. Make a fake postcard advertising a local support group entitled "are you a noisy bastard?"

I have thought about asking him if he could let us know which shift he's on so I can use earplugs. The thing with earplugs is that a take them out and throw them across the room in my sleep, so they're not really the solution. He'll probably be on a different shift next week and will come home at 6:30am, and won't leave the car running on the drive.

DS and the neighbour opposite both have cars with loud exhaust (not as extreme as neighbour)- we all know it's supposed to sound like that. DS and the neighbour opposite however, wouldn't be dicks with their cars and don't use them for work. The next door neighbour did get his car stolen twice already this year, so I've actually had a reasonably peaceful year!

Oooh I'm liking this idea. I have a newly moved in noisy neighbour. He just bellows when he talks, I could join in his conversations from my kitchen table 😡 He has his kids every other weekend and cranks the bellowing up a notch - so the (three lively) boys yell too.

Not a neighbour (thankfully) but there’s someone who lives quite close by who has a comically huge exhaust that also makes loud popping sounds, like it’s backfiring but constantly.

If he’s driving about you can always hear him even if you can’t see him. I often fantasise about him going over a speed bump too fast and ripping out the underside of his car.

Ram a potato up his exhaust.

Accidentally using his address would be such a simple mistake to make!!!

I have had bad neighbours and also bad allotment neighbours. It was one of my "possibly" weird? allotment neighbours who has given my "bad" ideas. As he says if your neighbours think you have serious mental health problems they will avoid you.

His advice: Talk to yourself constantly when outdoors. Even better, argue with yourself. Invite your weirdest friends around when your neighbours can see them arriving, or get a few "normal friends" to act the part.

YouTube is your friend, barking dogs or crying babies, obviously you have neither if he calls the authorities! Messages in weedkiller on the lawn! I can think of a few one word statements!

My favourite. If they have borders in their garden plant marijuana seeds. Who will get there first? The local druggies or the police???🤣🤣🤣🤣

I apologise for being old and evil!

’Are you a noisy bastard?’ support group postcard. Brilliant. I’m banking that for future use thank you 😆. I could spend a lot of time thinking about that. Maybe some posters for lamp posts too

@Soluckyinlove I’ll raise a glass to being old and evil - our secret call sign will be a cackle. People might hear us but never see us, just the sound of the cackle on the breeze

Holy crap what??

I’m going to use some of these ideas on my noisy neighbours but also the one that smokes me out with his barbecue and the one who makes my life a misery in other ways.