I'm suddenly feeling really upset about something really minor that happened over 25 years ago

[TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot]

I don't know why I suddenly remembered this or why I'm feeling so upset about it.

When I was about 12 I called for my friend on the way to school as usual. She wasn't ready yet so her mum told me to come inside, so I just went in and waited by the front door.

I heard her younger brother call from upstairs, "Mum, [friend's name] keeps calling me pig bum."

I looked up and her mum was in the hallway, she glared at me and said, "I'll be calling you pig bum in a minute, always poking your nose in where it's not wanted."

It just seemed so odd at the time, that my friend's mum seemed to be randomly insulting me, that I didn't even quite process that it had happened.

She couldn't have misheard and thought that I was the one calling the brother pig bum because I hadn't been anywhere near him that morning, and he definitely said my friend's name, not mine and we had two very different sounding names.

And sticking my nose in where it wasn't wanted? I couldn't help overhearing him say that, and siblings insulting eachother is hardly some shocking family secret anyway. I can't think of any way I'd ever tried to poke my nose into their business, I really wasn't interested.

I was a very shy and anxious child and looking back it just seems hurtful that an adult would be mean enough to try and make me feel even worse about myself than I already did.

I know this is a total non-incident but I'm a bit emotional in general at the moment, and typing this out on mumsnet has made me feel a bit better.

Anyone else have any minor hurts from the past they want to get off their chest?

No.

Pour yourself a glass of wine.

She was probably talking to him and looking at you.

I imagine you misunderstood, and thought she was talking about you, when in fact she was doing that 'scolding one of your own children in front of one of their friends semi-humorously' thing. You were a shy child in someone else's house and you misread the situation.

Otherwise it really makes no sense.

You said it more succinctly.

Very odd behaviour from the mum! I was also a shy and anxious child and this would have upset me.

She wasn't talking loudly enough for him to hear upstairs.

Like I said, she was doing that thing where you semi-humorously scold your own child in front of another child -- here she was acting the adult in front of you, possibly mildly disgraced by another child overhearing the pig bum comment, and probably trying to be funny to show you she was in charge. It was done for your benefit, not her son's.

I might sound harsh here but you need to get over this - I think you’re being dramatic because 25 years later you are still making this all about you. I understand as a child you may have been hurt, but surely you can look at things from an adult perspective now. It might be that their household had a difficult family dynamic behind the scenes and the mum didn’t want rumours to spread via you. Maybe the mum did mishear. Maybe the mum was just having a bad day, a stressful morning and took it out on you. None of that is okay but it spins a different light where you don’t have to punish yourself 25 years later

At this point, the way you have built this up in your head is WORSE than what she actually did to you. You’re bullying yourself more than she ever bullied you, because you’re not allowing yourself to move on. She wasn’t kind to you once, 25 years ago, but you haven’t been kind to yourself continuously through those 25 years because you’re not letting yourself move on

She was annoyed you heard. If you were a cheeky child she wouldn't have said anything to you. She took her annoyance out on you as you were quiet and wouldn't tell her she was unfair.

I found it annoying when I was early 20s and neighbours and far out relations quizzed me on where I was working. It was very hard to get jobs in the 1990s and often I did not have a stable permanent job. I would never dream of quizzing a young relative or acquaintance about work. It was always 50 something women, who got married young and never worked themselves doing the quizzing.

I mean, you were a shy, anxious child by your own admission. You misread the situation, thought a joky scolding remark was directed at you when it obviously wasn't. Your friend's mother would probably have been absolutely horrified if she thought you'd thought she was talking to you.

The fact that you're still mulling this over a quarter of a century later suggests you're not the most socially at ease person still...?

Or she still cringes about it now. We all do silly things!

I think she was embarrassed at you hearing the fight between the siblings and thought you “looking up” was you being nosey and so she aimed what she said at you as a way of projecting her annoyance at the shame of her family being seen in a poor light.

But it’s not really a big deal… and a bit weird that it even comes to mind 25 years on tbh.

It wasn't said in a joky tone of voice at all, or with a joky facial expression, and she put the emphasis on the word "you." It was "I'll be calling you pig bum." I was the only person close enough to hear what she was saying, and she was looking right at me.

I've not been mulling it over for years, it just pops into my mind occasionally, and it's only tonight that I've felt this upset about it.

OP I do feel for you. Something has clearly triggered this and as you said you've been feeling emotional lately.
There are many reasons why the Mum may have said this; she thought brother said your name (she may not have been listening properly), she was speaking to your friend but looking at you, she could have just been super stressed getting her kids ready for school and lashed out without thinking.
The facts are OP that it happened a long time ago and nothing will ever come of it apart from your emotional response to it.
It's good that you have said it out loud (or typed it!) which you said has helped. It may also help to talk to a professional about your feelings surrounding it - there are free support lines run by MIND. It may help you to explore your feelings about this out loud a bit more and then see if you can move on.

In my day, there were heaps of crazy mums like this. When my mum was present, they would be lovely and polite, but if there were no adults to hear, they could occasionally burst out with weird, crazy or vicious comments.
Just forgive her, OP. Being a mum is hard. At least she wasn't your mum.

I really don't need to speak to a professional about this, it's not something that's been a big deal all my life.
It's just tonight I've remembered and for some reason I'm feeling more upset about it than I ever have before.
I'll get over it.

I think it's exactly this!

Aw I feel for your 12 year old self. At the time, things that like as a child are hugely upsetting, particularly if you don’t understand why an adult is angry.

I remember being about 7 and my mum had bought me some new coloured chalks and suggested I went out and drew hopscotch on the path.

I was happily chalking away when a man walked past and gave me a bollocking for drawing all over the path. I was so frightened I wet myself and felt frozen to the spot 😬I still remember the fear of him shouting at me now.

It seems silly looking back but getting told off can be traumatic for a child when you don’t understand an adult’s anger.

Give your 12 year old self a hug and try to put it behind you op x

I'm surprised not everyone thinks this is ordinary! I must have been an unusually annoying child.! 😲😂

I sometimes get flashbacks to embarrassing situations from my past - right back to childhood - when I'm having a bit of a mental slump. Not depressed but a bit down. I see it as a sign I need to do some positive things for myself. You are not alone op.

It’s this, OP, surely?!

She was probably a bit embarrassed that you overheard her kids doing their usual morning argy bargy and said something quietly & directly to you, but in reference to her son who was doing the shouting - kind of a humorous eye roll to acknowledge what you’d heard and ensure you weren’t uncomfortable at being in amongst another family’s blethering first thing in the morning.

Which clearly backfired if you’re still ruminating about it 25 years later 😂. I think you totally misread the situation and are still seeing it from a child’s perspective for some reason.

As per the first reply - have a glass of wine and forget it. Seriously.

At 12 you sit there thinking oh my lord they are crazy

OP you have decided to dreg this up, you might not even be remembering it accurately who knows

But trying to look at it positively if this is all you can dreg up your childhood was ok.

That sounds horrible @SmileyClare a little girl being shouted at by a strange man. No wonder you were terrified. I hope you realised you hadn't done anything wrong.

I do kind of agree it sounds like she was aware she was making a cheeky remark to her son and by looking at you when she said it, was just making you a party to her 'naughtiness'. At 12 you're getting old enough for adults to treat you more like an equal, but if you were shy then perhaps you didn't quite have the experience to interpret her comment correctly.

I hope you can move on from it anyway.

She was insecure and when you heard one of her kids saying something she perceived as rude she thought it made her look bad so attacked you.

She’s probably one of those MN types who couldn’t cope with other people being in her house.