I'm suddenly feeling really upset about something really minor that happened over 25 years ago

[TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot]

I don't know why I suddenly remembered this or why I'm feeling so upset about it.

When I was about 12 I called for my friend on the way to school as usual. She wasn't ready yet so her mum told me to come inside, so I just went in and waited by the front door.

I heard her younger brother call from upstairs, "Mum, [friend's name] keeps calling me pig bum."

I looked up and her mum was in the hallway, she glared at me and said, "I'll be calling you pig bum in a minute, always poking your nose in where it's not wanted."

It just seemed so odd at the time, that my friend's mum seemed to be randomly insulting me, that I didn't even quite process that it had happened.

She couldn't have misheard and thought that I was the one calling the brother pig bum because I hadn't been anywhere near him that morning, and he definitely said my friend's name, not mine and we had two very different sounding names.

And sticking my nose in where it wasn't wanted? I couldn't help overhearing him say that, and siblings insulting eachother is hardly some shocking family secret anyway. I can't think of any way I'd ever tried to poke my nose into their business, I really wasn't interested.

I was a very shy and anxious child and looking back it just seems hurtful that an adult would be mean enough to try and make me feel even worse about myself than I already did.

I know this is a total non-incident but I'm a bit emotional in general at the moment, and typing this out on mumsnet has made me feel a bit better.

Anyone else have any minor hurts from the past they want to get off their chest?

I think it’s fairly normal for a random flashback fro your childhood to pop up in your mind. I don’t think you need help op, you’re probably just in a reflective mood.

When I’d just started secondary school I was queuing to sit down for whole school assembly and started flicking a light switch on the wall next to me, not realising I was turning all the lights on and off in the hall like a strobe effect 😂

A furious teacher stormed over and shouted at me in front of the whole school.I had to see the headmaster after assembly. It was fucking terrifying, particularly as I had never been in trouble before.

Its funny how things like that stick in your mind but I can laugh about it now.

You need to read the other thread where people look back at weird things they said over the years. It might be weird but she probably didn’t mean to upset you so much. Did she say anything else? Did this particular event start a cascade of insecurity do you think?

I get you OP. I got in trouble once for walking into a friend's house with mucky shoes. I just stepped inside the door, was only about 7 and didn't even realise they were dirty. I was scolded and handed a brush to clean it up myself, I still think of it a lot. I think because j meant no harm and got such a bad reaction. And maybe because it was a 'stranger' person it's stuck in my head more..

Is it possible though OP, that she was thinking aloud ( in reference to him) but happened to be looking at you?

Thanks op. I think when I grew up in the early eighties, adults felt it acceptable to shout at kids and we just accepted the grown ups were right? I just assumed I’d done something really naughty 😂

The mum in your anecdote sounds very unwelcoming! . Even if you misunderstood what she was saying, it was probably quite clear you were shy and upset.
Some people just really dislike children I think.

I always tried to put my kids friends at ease if they were waiting to go out and play- offer them a drink and ask if they’re ok etc-because I remember how awkward I used to feel standing in the hallway of friend’s houses as a kid.

I remember being at a friends house for the first time, aged about 5. The mum handed me a mug of juice and it was too big for my hands and I dropped it over the kitchen floor. She huffed/sighed loudly and cleaned it up angrily. I felt so awkward/clumsy and upset.
When you are a quiet and sensitive child small things can upset you.

I haven't thought about that in years. Weird what sticks in your mind.

It might help you to figure out why it’s upset you so much tonight by thinking of, how this makes you feel? What’s the under lying feeling? Why is that feeling showing up now and how does it relate to something current in your life? Is there anything happening right now that’s causing this feeling and memory to show itself?

Ah bless you. Nowadays that sort of rage towards a child would shock people but it was definitely more acceptable in the eighties.

I had some friends with parents like that and we all tried to avoid going round there.

I know what you mean, OP. I remember being thrown out of my mock German GCSE for saying good luck to someone just before it began. I was sent to the headmistress. I was then bollocked, brought back and cried for the rest of the exam with no tissues. What the school didn’t know was that my mother was in a psychiatric unit with suicidal ideation, and she used to beat me if I did badly in exams. I still cry if I think of this, which is mad in many ways, but I really wanted someone to ask me what things were like at home and nobody ever did.

I get it OP. I often remember situations from my childhood that stood out as unjust, where I was too young to stand up for myself. They frustrate me because I wish I could go back in time and resolve them.

In your scenario, if it's how you remember it, she was unfairly rude to you. She probably had something else going on at the time and reacted wrong/misread the situation. She should have been the one to dwell on it.

OP, almost a decade ago, I had just had my first DC and bought my first home - we had moved when DS was less than a week old, and life was chaotic and awful. I invited a friend - a midwife! - over for lunch as she wanted to meet the baby, and when she arrived she offered to help make the lunch, which was very kind. But then started going on about "Do you not have any oregano? Are you sure? How do you manage without it? God I can't believe you don't even have any oregano!"
Funnily enough, checking my fucking oregano supplies wasn't top of my list whilst sleep deprived, trying to unpack and settle into a new house, figure out breastfeeding, learn how to fit some basic hygiene into my day with a newborn attached to me 24/7, find my way around a new town...
I'm sure she doesn't remember anything about that day. But every time I buy oregano I feel a bit resentful, remembering how hard I was trying, and how she made me feel like I was failing at life.

I was called gormless by a friend’s mum. Had no idea what it meant but instinctively knew it wasn’t anything good. I was 10, a quiet ‘good’ kid. It still pops into my head on ocasion so I completely understand where you’re coming from, OP.

I'm pretty sure she was talking to her son - even if it was quietly/looking at you - like an internal monologue - she might have thought you would find it funny.

A situation a bit like this -
"mum - sis is hitting me with her magazine......." (shouted down the stairs)
"I'll be hitting you with more than a magazine in a minute..." (said quietly while looking at you in the hall - she wouldn't mean it literally - she wouldn't mean you she would mean him but she would just be expressing exasperation and attempting a joke)

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I think I was just having a temporary emotional blip, not feeling so bad about it anymore.

I think maybe the reason it sticks in my mind is that the mum's response makes no sense to me. It's the "always sticking your nose in" either she was telling me off for something I hadn't done (and rather immaturely calling me pig bum), or if I did misinterpret who she was talking to, then it seems an odd thing to say to one of your own children, especially when you know they can't hear you.

And it really did seem like she was telling me off.

It just felt bizarre at the time, I remember a feeling of what just happened? Did that really happen?

I think I remember because it didn't just upset me but puzzled me too.

Jesus that’s heartbreaking.

I like to think times have changed and school staff nowadays actually treat pupils more humanly and care slightly more about their welfare.

This. I am guilty of this myself. Talking about one person in the home but looking at someone different as I say it.

@Winter2020 i immediately thought the same - and have done the same when one ds is complaining about the other, ‘mummmmmm xx put my toy in the bin’

mutter under breath before going to sort it ‘I’ll put you in the bloody bin in a minute’
but out loud ‘ok xxxx what’s happening?’

@blackpear that's absolutely awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's not a minor thing at all. Very, very upsetting.

Also sometimes you talk to your child without actually talking directly at them by talking under your breath. For example, "I have told you Tanya a hundred times before that the juice goes in the cupboard next to the sink" but they're not in the same room, and you could be saying this to your auntie who's visiting in your living room.

Well the incident itself was quite minor, but not the background. And maybe there’s something in the background for you that made this more upsetting than it might seem on the surface.
Thank you both for kind words.

@CertainlyCurtainly wow your friend was being a twat then.

I have never bought oregano.

Perhaps I need to rethink my life.

I agree. Sounds like that's exactly the situation that played out for OP but purely misinterpreted, and it wasn't directed at her.

I get you OP, my best friends mum didn't like me when I was a child and I knew. It's not nice.

I think pps have it right. I have loads of kids and have loads of random kids standing in my hallway waiting for one of them. I've lost count of the times I've exchanged a look with a random kid as mine argue or shout from upstairs and made a 'witty' comment to try to laugh it off. It's not you it's her family.

adults behaving in an unpredictable manner has a lot of potential to affect a child so it makes sense this has stuck with you as a strong flavour

Do you know what triggered the memory of it? Maybe something that’s brought the feeling back today..

it’s not really the same, but I had a thing for years where I’d have like a daydream/flashback to somewhere I’d been before, often decades ago, like a particular part of the school corridor. just repeating flashes of the same thing for a day. The next day would be something different. It still happens occasionally. I spoke to my therapist about it a few years ago and she said it’s a metaphor, something about the feeling of that place has been evoked in the present

our brains are amazing arent they