My best friend is dying

BrassCandlestick · 2024-07-19T16:18:29+00:00

My oldest friend (of 40 years) has terminal cancer. She's a tough little nut (nutty being the operative word!) and I love her dearly so this is hard. She lives relatively close to me, about 50 mins drive, and I am moving house in October to be closer to her, for both our benefits. The move had been arranged before we had the news about her illness. Three weeks ago, just before she found out she went to visit her one family member 80 miles away and she's decided to basically live out the rest of her life there (split between a sofa at the family member's house, and a small bedsit flat where she can stay sometimes). She's said she's never coming back to her flat near me and that anyone can have anything they like out of there. We are looking after the flat and keeping her plants watered, and not letting anyone take anything. I understand that she has accepted her diagnosis and that she's being pragmatic about it. For me, purely selfishly, the hardest thing is that she seems to have already checked out of her life here, and her relationships. She's been booked in for 3 months chemo but it won't cure her. We were in and out of each others' lives regularly until this. My children have known her all of their lives and love her. I feel that, in her head, she's already gone. She says she's comes to terms with it and she knows it's harder for the people around her than it is for her. I want to spend some time with her, take her out in the car for a drive in the countryside or something, like we used to all the time, but she isn't keen. She is spending a lot of time watching YouTube videos, says she's a bit bored. I do realise that she's in pain and occupied by her illness. But, purely selfishly, as I said, I'm gutted with loss. Three weeks ago we were dancing together in the pub. Now she's gone, but she hasn't. I can't mourn her because she's still alive. I don't know what to do.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 19/07/2024 17:25

This is so difficult to explain. She has to stay strong. Given she's taking the chemo there is a hope somewhere deep down that she might be cured. By 'accepting' her fate, it means noone can try to give her false hope. She is protecting herself. She is right that it's harder for everyone else. There's nothing I can say to make it any better, I'm sorry.

Orangesandlemons77 · 19/07/2024 17:26

I understand how you are feeling but she just might not be up to dancing in pubs or drives to the country now, she is probably feeling very ill.

Original poster

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 19:16

Orangesandlemons77 · 19/07/2024 17:26

I understand how you are feeling but she just might not be up to dancing in pubs or drives to the country now, she is probably feeling very ill.

Absolutely I wouldn't expect her to dance in the pub again, I just referred to it because we were doing that together when I last saw her (at her instigation) three weeks ago.

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Mayhemmumma · 19/07/2024 19:26

Maybe call and say I'd love to come and see you - only very briefly if that's better for you, we can do whatever you like.

sommerjade · 19/07/2024 19:27

I understand how you are feeling because I listen to my mum to a cancer last September that killed her within months.
We were extremely close before but it did feel like her illness created some kind of distance - basically because I have a mental illness I heard from my sister & the palliative care nurse that Mum wanted to 'protect' me.
She also shut down a bit and didn't want to talk about the future (ours or hers) and only about the distant past. She absolutely avoided discussing her cancer.

I think all you can do is be there for your friend when she needs you. Send regular (obvs not every day) messages reaching out to say you're thinking of her and how is she feeling, remind her that you're there to offload to.
Ask her if she needs practical help. She may refuse initially but then may need it after all.
Good luck x

Gymmum82 · 19/07/2024 19:33

It sounds like she’s still coming to terms with her diagnosis which is understandable. She’s given up, doesn’t want to do anything, but hopefully in time she will come back and want to make the most of the time she has left.
I understand, my best friend was diagnosed with incurable cancer 2.5 years ago, though not yet terminal, however she is only young was just 30 when she was diagnosed and she was the same. Shut herself away, wouldn’t see me or anyone. But she came out the other side and is now making the most of each day.
It sounds like you’re experiencing something like anticipatory grief, grieving for the person before they have gone. I felt similar at the time.
I hope your friend changes her mind and you get to spend some time with her and dance in the pub again

StMarieforme · 19/07/2024 19:40

You have to let her do what she needs to do, and that may change daily. You are her best friend. You need to adapt to her needs imo.
FaceTime, little messages, visits, watching an old favourite movie together, reminding her what fun you've had together over the years and how important she is.

Try not to worry about the road changes of direction.

Hugs for you, from one in an exceedingly similar position, without the moves.

FatmanandKnobbin · 19/07/2024 19:40

When I had cancer it was harder to be around people who knew me than it was acquaintances.

Chemo was bloody hard and driving around in an uncomfortable car when I just wanted to be laid in bed doom scrolling my phone would have been my idea of hell.

I get this is hard on you, and you want a certain things, but you will really need to look elsewhere for the support you need, she isn't in the place to give you what you want right now.

Do you have other mutual friends to talk and get support from?

GingerPirate · 19/07/2024 19:56

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 19/07/2024 17:25

This is so difficult to explain. She has to stay strong. Given she's taking the chemo there is a hope somewhere deep down that she might be cured. By 'accepting' her fate, it means noone can try to give her false hope. She is protecting herself. She is right that it's harder for everyone else. There's nothing I can say to make it any better, I'm sorry.

Very good.

MitskiMoo · 19/07/2024 20:02

I might be projecting because I have a life limiting condition and say this gently...this isn't about you and what you want. She is the one dealing with this and handling it her way. If she wants you, she knows where you are.

Deebee90 · 19/07/2024 20:09

She’s in a dark world . I’ve been in jt too. It’s hard because once you know you’re going you lose hope and the happiness of doing things. I used to think what’s the point of doing this and that . To others it’s making memories but when you’re ill you don’t see it as that. Give her time, show her you are there and go from there.

nooobeginnings · 19/07/2024 20:10

I'm so sorry OP, I have so much empathy for you. It's so hard.

How often can you realistically visit if 80 miles away?

It's really difficult, I watched my best friend nurse her husband when he had cancer and passed away very young.

Its a time to be kind and compassionate, a persons instincts take over when they are dying. There are many kind things you can do to support her - sending packages, helping record memories for your children, helping with admin.

Original poster

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 20:32

MitskiMoo · 19/07/2024 20:02

I might be projecting because I have a life limiting condition and say this gently...this isn't about you and what you want. She is the one dealing with this and handling it her way. If she wants you, she knows where you are.

Oh absolutely. I know I am being selfish and said so twice in my op.
But I can know I'm being selfish and feel bereft at the same time. It's just happened so suddenly.

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Original poster

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 20:35

Mayhemmumma · 19/07/2024 19:26

Maybe call and say I'd love to come and see you - only very briefly if that's better for you, we can do whatever you like.

Yes, I'm doing that but she's expressed that she's going to be very busy with the chemo and I don't want to push her any further.

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CelesteCunningham · 19/07/2024 20:45

I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend to cancer in our early 20s, it's an awful to thing to go through.

Follow her lead. My friend much preferred to talk about frivolous things unrelated to her illness - I texted her a lot about TV. Would your friend prefer that?

Hazelville · 19/07/2024 20:54

She might find it psychologically easier not to see her friends. I can understand that.

WindsurfingDreams · 19/07/2024 20:57

She may just feel desperately ill. It's not a reflection on how she feels about you but a reflection on what the illness has already taken from her.

I get that it must be a huge loss for you though

Cable1905 · 19/07/2024 21:08

Hi. Could you offer to take her for her chemo? If she has to travel to a hospital it might be difficult for her family to find the time or it gives them a break. It won’t be easy though and your friend may not feel like chatting. Car journeys can be tough after chemo.

HoppityBun · 19/07/2024 21:10

Orangesandlemons77 · 19/07/2024 17:26

I understand how you are feeling but she just might not be up to dancing in pubs or drives to the country now, she is probably feeling very ill.

That’s the point being made, isn’t it? The speed oh her decline.

FourToTheMFingFloor · 19/07/2024 21:13

I get this: when I'm in the shit I go into hard shell mode, and I can't bear anyone else's emotions, or over-emotions. I guess it's a way of not having to really feel what's happening. She might be scared to crack open and feels the need to just sink into herself.

I feel for you though; it's terribly sad for all of you.

namedchangedtoprotectme · 19/07/2024 21:15

my best friend was diagnosed 'terminal' 3 years ago.. not with cancer but with heart failure, they gave no time scale.

we had to sit and watch for 3 years as he slipped away, he was still here and still tried so hard to please everyone but it got harder and harder.

i have no advise, my friend has now gone, and its hard. there came a point where he accepted his fate, he didn't give up, he just accepted it.

lots of hugs for you, try spend as much time as possible with your friend, remember the good times but don't make promises you can't keep.

Original poster

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 23:03

Cable1905 · 19/07/2024 21:08

Hi. Could you offer to take her for her chemo? If she has to travel to a hospital it might be difficult for her family to find the time or it gives them a break. It won’t be easy though and your friend may not feel like chatting. Car journeys can be tough after chemo.

I'd like to but it's much easier for her to go with her family member than for me do a 5hr round trip; she'll turn me down, I know it

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Original poster

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 23:17

Gymmum82 · 19/07/2024 19:33

It sounds like she’s still coming to terms with her diagnosis which is understandable. She’s given up, doesn’t want to do anything, but hopefully in time she will come back and want to make the most of the time she has left.
I understand, my best friend was diagnosed with incurable cancer 2.5 years ago, though not yet terminal, however she is only young was just 30 when she was diagnosed and she was the same. Shut herself away, wouldn’t see me or anyone. But she came out the other side and is now making the most of each day.
It sounds like you’re experiencing something like anticipatory grief, grieving for the person before they have gone. I felt similar at the time.
I hope your friend changes her mind and you get to spend some time with her and dance in the pub again

Thanks for your words. Anticipatory grief is the term, exactly. It doesn't help that her memory has been appalling for the past 18 months and so her handle of day to day realities was already loose before this. I can still ring her up for a chat but it's hard that she's determined to live on a sofa and partly in a bedsit she has told me she hates, until the end.
That's her choice and she's got to do what she's got to do; I just feel like I'm in a horrible limbo where I'm preparing to move closer to her empty flat and I can't get to see her that easily because of the distance and my work.

I take on board what everyone has said about her probably going into her shell/mental safe space and thank you for that, it helps.

[In confidence; as this is a safe space here for me to say what I can't (and won't) say to her, I feel abandoned, rejected and useless. She's been my absolute rock since I was young, she's been better to me than my own family and I'm so desperately sad that she's left before she's actually left. I need her and I wish she still needed me. Please don't berate me for these last words.]

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FourToTheMFingFloor · 19/07/2024 23:22

Oh I don't think anyone would berate you for feeling that way; you love her, and you're missing her even before you thought you'd have to. I really, really feel for you.

WindsurfingDreams · 19/07/2024 23:27

BrassCandlestick · 19/07/2024 23:17

Thanks for your words. Anticipatory grief is the term, exactly. It doesn't help that her memory has been appalling for the past 18 months and so her handle of day to day realities was already loose before this. I can still ring her up for a chat but it's hard that she's determined to live on a sofa and partly in a bedsit she has told me she hates, until the end.
That's her choice and she's got to do what she's got to do; I just feel like I'm in a horrible limbo where I'm preparing to move closer to her empty flat and I can't get to see her that easily because of the distance and my work.

I take on board what everyone has said about her probably going into her shell/mental safe space and thank you for that, it helps.

[In confidence; as this is a safe space here for me to say what I can't (and won't) say to her, I feel abandoned, rejected and useless. She's been my absolute rock since I was young, she's been better to me than my own family and I'm so desperately sad that she's left before she's actually left. I need her and I wish she still needed me. Please don't berate me for these last words.]

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You don't need to apologise at all for how you are feeling. In fact in time I hope you can see how special it was to have a friendship like that and that it is no wonder at all you are finding it hard

But I expect there is some reason she may not feel able to articulate or even understand herself why she has made the decision she has, and it may just be to do with the pain or symptoms she is experiencing