My best friend is dying

[BrassCandlestick]

My oldest friend (of 40 years) has terminal cancer.
She's a tough little nut (nutty being the operative word!) and I love her dearly so this is hard. She lives relatively close to me, about 50 mins drive, and I am moving house in October to be closer to her, for both our benefits. The move had been arranged before we had the news about her illness.
Three weeks ago, just before she found out she went to visit her one family member 80 miles away and she's decided to basically live out the rest of her life there (split between a sofa at the family member's house, and a small bedsit flat where she can stay sometimes).

She's said she's never coming back to her flat near me and that anyone can have anything they like out of there. We are looking after the flat and keeping her plants watered, and not letting anyone take anything.
I understand that she has accepted her diagnosis and that she's being pragmatic about it. For me, purely selfishly, the hardest thing is that she seems to have already checked out of her life here, and her relationships.
She's been booked in for 3 months chemo but it won't cure her.

We were in and out of each others' lives regularly until this. My children have known her all of their lives and love her. I feel that, in her head, she's already gone. She says she's comes to terms with it and she knows it's harder for the people around her than it is for her. I want to spend some time with her, take her out in the car for a drive in the countryside or something, like we used to all the time, but she isn't keen. She is spending a lot of time watching YouTube videos, says she's a bit bored.

I do realise that she's in pain and occupied by her illness. But, purely selfishly, as I said, I'm gutted with loss. Three weeks ago we were dancing together in the pub. Now she's gone, but she hasn't. I can't mourn her because she's still alive. I don't know what to do.

That struck me from your initial post: she’s chosen not to be near you? All I can suggest is to remember what you had together, which is what she would have wanted to stay the same. She is no longer that person. You are losing so much. I sincerely recommend that you look for a therapist who can hold your emotions as you deal with this loss

I'm just so sorry to hear this. It sounds absolutely horrific all round.
I hear your frustration at the situation and I'd feel the same. -Imagining you just want to spend as much time with her as you can, but she's shutting herself away, (also understandable of course). What a terrible shock for everyone.

Can you spend this time trying to look after yourself while she retreats like this and hopefully she'll come round after a little while? Really feel for you 😭, sending 💖

Three weeks into her diagnosis is absolutely nothing. Despite her outward show of "coming to terms with it", I can pretty much guarantee she hasn't ( I also have terminal cancer).

Do you know what type of cancer she has and her prognosis?

She’s probably doing this, because to her you’re one of the people who matter most, she is burying her head in the sand to try and stop the pain where a world will exist and you’re not in it with her and she’s not with you.
it’s heartbreak and pure love she’s dampening by being away.
If you understand this, your chats with her might help her come to terms and stop running away from the pain of losing you. I suspect she can’t say good bye to you. Perhaps you could could adopt a line together, such as “I’ll see you later” not good bye, ever,
sorry OP 💔

@TwigTheWonderKid I'm so sorry to hear that you also have terminal cancer. Thank you for taking the time to help me out with your words.

She has liver and pancreatic cancer. She's about to start 3 months of chemo. I don't quite understand how chemo will make much better if it's terminal, as as previous partner had chemo and it wiped them out for the duration . Perhaps someone here will be able to explain.

OP have a look on the Life Limiting Illness board - there are lots of great advice and support threads.

Oh that's so sad. I expect she's trying to put on a brave face and maybe she thinks she's being kinder to you all, although I can't speak from personal experience. I would try and talk with her, but ultimately respect her wishes. Wishing you well

I lost my best and oldest friend a couple of years ago. Like you, I felt I had lost her before she died. But I expected that as I had previous experience of a terminal cancer diagnosis with close relatives. We met up a couple of times but she didn't want to do some of the things we used to do. I miss her terribly. Always will.

Just go with whatever it is that your friend wishes.

@Treesnbirds @Readytoevolve thank you so much for your kind words. They do help.

I had an awful dream last night (one of those early morning ones) where I had spoken to her on the phone and she was saying she was staying away, and not coming back to her flat, then 2 hours later I went to the flat to drop something off and she was there. She looked really healthy and like a photo of her 45 years ago she put on SM last week. She was dismissive of my presence, I followed her out to the shops, she paid me no attention, it was all very poignant and painful.
Not very difficult to interpret that one!

I'll call her today and try and have a little chat.

My mum had chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer. It did shrink the tumour slightly and prolonged her life by 6 months. It can also ease pain (by shrinking tumours).

@VirginiaGirl that's interesting. Useful to know. So I'm not alone in feeling like I've lost her already.
Damn, this is horrible. I know its totally unreasonable for me to feel rejected by her but I do. It puts into question our whole relationship, I'm wondering if she ever really cared - but that's my abandonment issues talking. And she was the one who never abandoned me.

Ok that's really helpful to know, thanks. So sorry about your mum.

Is it a bit like an animal taking itself off to die under a tree? In times of stress, our 'animal' brains take over. They do that to protect their herd/pack etc.

I'm sure she loves you, but probably isn't thinking rationally right now.💐

@BrassCandlestick she did and does care. To be completely honest, my friend at times during her illness wrote a few things in our usual WhatsApp conversations that hurt me a little. But, having had the previous experience of a relative with a terminal illness, I understood this is sadly, par for the course. Your friend, however pragmatic, is dealing with something unimaginable to us. Usually, we think that talking can help but how can it really when you're facing having to leave your loved ones and life behind? She knows that you're there, she knows you care. With terminal illness, your grieving (and theirs) starts before death. I am so sorry this is happening for you all.