School favouritism….

[Blinkingbonkers]

Yeah, I know “only the failures believe it exists” but actually we all know it’s there - rare yes, but it does exist. I have a child who genuinely tries their best at all they do and is pretty good at a couple of sports/school groups and is ALWAYS overlooked. If I complain then it’ll look like I’m some sort of arrogant tiger mother so of course I won’t. And yes, I can & do chat to dc about dealing with disappointment and how this often happens in life and they should get used to it & use it to prove them wrong…but it doesn’t stop me feeling really bad for them. For the past 3 years they have gone above and beyond in an effort to prove themselves, not just at school but out of school too - for this particular teacher it’s never enough. I think dc is just going to pursue it out of school now which is a shame and a waste… dc has been told they’re not wanted to participate in the team for next year before we’ve even got to the end of this term. It’s flipping nuts… URGHHH - can someone just encourage me with some positivity so I can pass it on to dc?!! Thank you…

Of course school favouritism exists, and it sucks. But if you feel your DC is giving her all and it’s being overlooked, why not raise this with the school? We had a similar situation with DD and since I’ve raised it, she has been given many more opportunities. I think the teachers didn’t realised the impact it was having on her self esteem, and there has been a real change, which means she’s much happier in school.

I don’t really care what the teachers think of me because I raised the issue. It’s my daughter’s opinion of me that matters.

What happens when you raise it though??

Ahhh, thank you - actually nice for if to it to be acknowledged. Sorry your dc had this issue and well done for sorting it. Sadly I can’t see me talking with school having anything but a negative impact here …particularly as several (senior) teachers’ children have been picked over dc. You’d think we were talking primary but it’s the top end of secondary!!

They’ve been working so hard to improve, all the other kids know how passionate they are - for the mean ones among them it will be yet more ammunition. I wish we could move schools but are stuck for another year.

I'd be careful raising it with school; because you never know what actually happens there.
My DC plays rugby League in a local team, and started playing for school but decided to give it up because he said whatever he did it wasn't good enough for the school teacher.
I brought it up at parents evening and was told it was actually that the only reason whatever my child did wasn't good enough was because they were either messing around or not giving their all.
Where my child thought the teacher thought they weren't good enough in actual fact the teacher thought they were doing brilliant but could do so much more

I understand where you are coming from and it is a shame. I'm one who doesn't think raising it would help but pursue it out of school and show what you can do would be my advice to a child.
Not fair etc but not worth the agro if child can enjoy it elsewhere.
It won't always be like that for the school elite - often they get found out later when the best from other schools are also competing.

As a teacher, I think you should encourage your child to speak directly to the teacher.

I teach Drama and do a lot of school productions, so I am in a position where I have to select or not select students for opportunities on a regular basis. I choose based on talent, but also on enthusiasm and dedication. Some children who are quieter and less openly interested and do a good audition are still going to get a part, but I might be reluctant to give them a big role if I’m not sure how committed they’re going to be. I also have to consider their academic performance, as being in an extracurricular production takes up a lot of time and if they’re already struggling to keep up academically, then I do have to liaise with Heads of Year and decide whether it’s in the child’s best interests to be given a big role.

Therefore, there is more to teachers’ choices than just how good a child is at something - there may well be stuff going on behind the scenes that is influencing the teacher’s decision not to select your child. Maybe they are quieter and have shown no outward sign of being that dedicated to their activity. Maybe they are considered unreliable/flaky. Maybe they muck about during practice. Maybe the teacher has been instructed not to include them in a team because they have too much on academically and there is concern they won’t manage to juggle both.

That being said, I absolutely know that favouritism and bias exists and I have to constantly check myself in this area - it’s why I always invite two members of staff to attend auditions with me so that we have a fair and balanced selection process. So there could also be the reality that the teacher does have their favourites and they need to be pulled up on it.

The way to move forward, however, is to communicate. For me, this is a situation where I’d expect the child to step up and come and speak to me (if they are the age I think your child is - you’ve said upper secondary so I’m assuming 15+). ‘Miss/Sir, I love x activity so much, I’ve been trying really hard to improve my skills and show my dedication to the team, I’ve been at every practice and I also joined a team outside of school because I love it so much. I don’t understand why I’m not being chosen and it’s making me feel really down because it matters to me so much to be part of this team. Please can you explain to me what I need to do to get into the team?’ The teacher might have no idea your child feels this way. Standing up for themselves, having the courage to speak up personally rather than getting a parent to do it for them, will be powerful evidence of their commitment. Most teachers would be impressed by that and then find some way to ensure the child gets some kind of opportunity in future.

Teachers aren’t mind readers and we have a lot of students we are interacting with on a daily basis. Sometimes we miss things, and sometimes we can be guilty of overlooking or not appreciating individual students enough. In a big secondary school, you can’t afford to sit back and wait to be noticed - some teachers, depending on their subject, might interact with 500 students per week. So you’ve got to communicate and advocate. And the older your child is, the more effective it becomes for them to do this for themselves.

I think it's always good to try and talk with the school. Even if you feel it might make you look like you are interfering, it's actually sometimes those who shout the loudest when it comes to schooling. Something it has taken me a long while to find out and things are actually getting done now.
And mental health in kids is taken much more seriously these days, so if it's becoming an issue for them, let the school know. Speak with the pastoral team and it gets whizzed round to the relevant people that "child X" needs some encouragement, support, opportunity to answer questions.

Not meaning to sound unkind, but simply because your DC tries their best doesnt mean they will always be picked over a more able child .This has in fact happened to my DC as well when they were at School . It sucks but Schools want to win really,As my DS said he preferred playing footie with his mates and took the heat out

Nepotism and favouritism exists everywhere- and schools do seem to be particularly good at it. Even if you do bring it up, and call it out, I doubt they'll change the team roster to include your child. It's disappointing, but sadly there is very little you can do, except get them to concentrate on the activity outside of school.

EnidSpyton - The way to move forward, however, is to communicate. For me, this is a situation where I’d expect the child to step up and come and speak to me (if they are the age I think your child is - you’ve said upper secondary so I’m assuming 15+). ‘Miss/Sir, I love x activity so much, I’ve been trying really hard to improve my skills and show my dedication to the team, I’ve been at every practice and I also joined a team outside of school because I love it so much. I don’t understand why I’m not being chosen and it’s making me feel really down because it matters to me so much to be part of this team. Please can you explain to me what I need to do to get into the team?’ The teacher might have no idea your child feels this way. Standing up for themselves, having the courage to speak up personally rather than getting a parent to do it for them, will be powerful evidence of their commitment. Most teachers would be impressed by that and then find some way to ensure the child gets some kind of opportunity in future.

This is excellent advice, my kids are lower down in secondary school but I'm already trying to get them to self advocate (with mixed success) some teachers they won't go near because they say they're scared to raise any issue but others they've successfully had a chat. After all in work environments you have to self advocate, no one is going to manage your issues on your behalf, so it's almost like starting life skills as early as possible.

What great, well-thought-out advice!

I'd ask for a conversation with the school to understand where your child is, and where in their opinion they need to be to be picked. This will set out some formal parameters and will make it much harder to argue that others are better placed, unless they are.

No different to our performance reviews at work and pay rises. Something tells me they will then be included pretty quick.

Good luck

As soon as a child gets to secondary, I would be expecting them to sort it out themselves. 'Hi mr smith, can you tell me what I need to work on please to get in to the school team?'

Some children who are quieter and less openly interested and do a good audition are still going to get a part, but I might be reluctant to give them a big role if I’m not sure how committed they’re going to be.

Never write off the quiet ones. My nephew was the child who was quieter and didn't make a song and dance about getting a part. Finally in his last year in primary the teacher gave him a biggish part and subsequently expressed astonishment that no-one realised previously how good he was, as he stole the show. He went on to become a successful professional actor.

Is this at primary or secondary?

In primary, good kids that are bright and not extroverts are often overlooked in favour of the very confident extrovert ones. It's a huge shame as it is at that young age when shy dc can really benefit from being given opportunities and grow with the challenges. Year after year the same kids got the special roles e.g. class rep, academic ambassador, main roles in plays, always the same 4-5 kids.

My dc is not extrovert but bright and capable if given opportunities. I made it my policy to never approach the school to influence them in order to give my dc opportunities but kept telling dc to do their personal best for their own sake, that yes, these kids are being treated in a preferential way and it is not fair but that these same kids will struggle in secondary as there will be many more talented children to compete for opportunities with and kids who used to be quiet and perhaps shy often come into their own when puberty arrives. This approach really paid off as dc is now very confident, independent and capable, going for opportunities but does not rely on being the teacher's favourite, shrugs it off if they don't get selected but will try again.

I don’t ‘write off’ quieter ones. I’m just going to be more hesitant about giving a child who doesn’t show a lot of enthusiasm a larger role, certainly if I don’t know them very well.

There’s nothing wrong with being quiet. And I would never not give a child an opportunity because they were quieter. But the reality is, if I need children to be prepared to put in a lot of time and effort to pull off a production, and I’ve got someone auditioning who doesn’t say a word and has never shown any previous enthusiasm for Drama and I don’t know them as I don’t teach them, then I’m going to have to think carefully about whether I can rely on them to put in the hours required for a main role. This is why children need to be supported by their parents to advocate for themselves and speak up for what they want. Children who don’t say anything do risk being overlooked because as teachers we often don’t have the time or opportunity to get to know our students truly as individuals and for people like me who do a lot of extracurricular activities with students we don’t actually teach, we may not know the children we’re working with very well at all. Children need to be able to help themselves and not rely on a teacher noticing some spark of something in them or magically being able to read their minds. Where I see talent and desire, I will always give opportunity - but in proportion to how much I can trust a child to be able to maximise that opportunity.

This is why children need to be supported by their parents to advocate for themselves and speak up for what they want.
I agree with this. My shy and reserved dc has been patiently waiting for opportunities year after year in primary. In their last year there, they talked to the teachers politely but flagged their interest repeatedly in a particular opportunity, and low and behold, finally they were afforded it. Dc learned form this to be able to advocate for themselves if they want things to happen for them. It hasn't been an easy journey with many disappointments along the way, when other more favoured kids were given a series of really fun and interesting opportunities and special jobs at school. My dc has learned that if you are not naturally extrovert you still have to put yourself out there and show your interest.

@EnidSpyton this is one of my favourite posts in my 16 years on MN. I am going to bookmark it with thanks 😊

It 💯 exists in the primary school mine went to. Secondary school made my eldest feel seen and valued.

As a teacher, I think you should encourage your child to speak directly to the teacher.
It doesn't always work in practice EniSpyton. Not all teachers are as kind and understanding as you, unfortunately.

I take your point about the drama productions which is different from a classroom setting.

A child plucking up courage to speak to a teacher, might not put their case very well, might get upset and the teacher then puts them down as a troublemaker, a complainer and is even more likely to deliberately overlook them or be harder on them.

Unless a parent intervenes then this could really sap a child's confidence even more.

Excuse typos, EnidSpyton!

OP, I had a similar situation with one of mine, but in performing arts, rather than sports. It was heartbreaking. However, I did pursue things outside school and things have really turned around for them. Their value is still not really recognised in school, but they have been able to steal the show outside school.

I have a feeling my DC actually held/holds back in school, because of intimidating characters and the fear of being bullied. In the extra curricular situations, all the kids there want to be there, and have the kind of supportive parents who facilitate them. The school situation feels much less of an issue now, with this outlet sharing time really lovely kids.

Why can you not say anything. If child has tried to do better and is,then praise them. Sounds like a teacher issue not a student issue. Do something.

As a teacher, I think you should encourage your child to speak directly to the teacher.

DD1 did this in primary school of her own bat for school play - nothing changed the teacher had a fixed idea of her from teaching her a few years before - so she found other opportunities - joining choir and got class teacher to give her bigger parts in class productions.

If child in in higher years of secondary and you pretty sure speaking to teacher will change nothing - I'd look for opportunities to pursue outside school - long term that may be better if he goes elsewhere he may keep it up much longer past school because of that.

My parents did something similar for music - secondary teacher they had come in was vile to me so drop lessons and kept we out of school orchestra but kept up for a few years playing in an orchestra outside school which you had to audition to get in - gave me few opportunities - I did end up stopping but carried on longer than I would have done if left just to the school.