Life in our 40s

[WTPIM]

Sometimes I wonder what’s happened to me, but when I see others on here say things like ‘Since I turned 40, I don’t care about …..’ I wonder if it’s just normal.

When I was younger I cared a lot about people, I was a people pleaser, always showed up for people, helpful, saw the best in people, very calm person, non-confrontational.
Simultaneously I went through some horrific things, life really has not been an easy ride for me in any aspect of my life.

Now I’m in my 40s I’m a different person completely. I don’t people please, I’m quite cynical and I don’t much like people. I also don’t care much. I only care about my DC, that’s my limit. I feel angry a lot of the time. If someone pisses me off, most of the time they know about it. It’s like a switch has been flipped. I don’t recognise myself a lot of the time. My emotions are also often on a rollercoaster.

I also have physical symptoms - brain fog. My forgetfulness is another level. I used to be good at remembering faces, but now I’ve become someone who is really bad at it. I don’t mean friends and family’s faces, but neighbours who I don’t see much, random people from the past, people I’ve been recently introduced to. If I’m cooking and someone interrupts me I forget what time the food is meant to be ready, even though I was sharp in the past. It upsets me because even some of my children’s memories like when they spoke their first word have also completely faded.

I also get terrible night sweats, very dry skin when it used to be very oily, constipation, fatigue, strange sensations on my skin - sudden cold patches, sudden hot patches, shooting pains, thinning hair, general aches and pains.

Is this normal for my mid-40s? Do any of you relate about feeling like a different person? I sometimes wonder when women talk about their 40s, do they mean the changes are subtle or more obvious like mine? I can’t work out if a hard life has changed me, if it’s peri or if it’s something else, or if it’s a combination of a few things.

your experiences and some words of wisdom will be appreciated!

It’s almost certainly the perimenopause.

Sounds like menopause

This sounds very much like perimenopause to me. I can relate to caring less, getting angrier, brain fog and forgetfulness, although with me it’s names rather than faces.

HRT has been transformative for me, I’ve been on it for 2.5 years now. I wouldn’t say it’s ‘fixed’ me but my goodness I’m a much happier person than I was without it.

@JuneFromBethesda Do they give HRT if you still have periods? My cycle is still very normal, which is the odd thing.

45 here, and I can relate with a lot of what you write, however I mostly don't give a crap about it all either. I m not angry or sad about my forgetfulness, I don't care all that much. I expect this is a phase that will also pass. Seems like perimenopause to me.

For whatever reason, people are a lot friendlier to me lately, initially it's quite nice, but then random friendly local kids, just become something of a bother to engage with. Even neighbours who are 10 years younger and just having their babies now, I wish the well, but have very little interest in their life or local gossip.

I think it's a natural life stage, and I ll float along with it so long as its not bothering me.

Forgetting specific baby memories, is it really that big of a deal. Cherish them for their current stage, don't lament over what you cannot change.

BTW: I m the same about the cooker timings, I have to write them down.

Yes, also very like a different person.
And it's hard to describe, but it feels as if unusual things (stressful or possibly traumatic, but not necessarily big things) have a much more lasting impact than previously. If a similar thing that gives similar internal feelings happens again, there is very little way of talking yourself round, it's a case of 'No - get out of there and protect your interests.'

You could be hypothyroid - the symptoms sound similar. Ask your GP to check your thyroid levels.

I'm 41 and I'm just the same. Short tempered, sick of everyone else's crap, sweaty, itchy, irritable.. it's shit!

@CreationNat1on Its ‘good’ to hear that this is normal. The cooking timings has really been bothering me because I thought that part particularly wasn’t normal.
I think the reason it all bothers me so much is my DC are still in primary school, I feel like they don’t know the real me IYSWIM, they know this messy person instead. I try and mask how I feel around them, but inevitably I end up snapping at some point. I apologise if I raise my voice to them, but I hate myself for not being the old me for them.

Yes, my periods were completely regular when I started HRT. I had two years of symptoms (anxiety, insomnia and above all just feeling increasingly unhappy) before I realised that the problem was hormonal. I would strongly recommend HRT, it’s made a huge difference to me. It may take a while to find the right regime for you but it’s worth persevering.

Its the menopause, obvs....

That sounds similar to me, and I assume it's perimenopause too. Could be worth talking to your GP practice nurse as they might have suggestions.

I'm in my forties (just) certainly noticing that some of my closest friends around the same age are only interested in "their own little family" now, to the point of being very rude and angry most of the time towards;

most members of the public
ALL their in laws!
their own siblings & parents and lifelong friends

We've all got the hair thinning (mine is anaemia related) and lots of different health issues too. My own feelings have been more in the way of isolation and wanting to connect but honestly I'm at the point of withdrawing completely because I'm sad and sick of being treated like a nuisance for texting, now just once a month, to check in with closest friends who barely respond and then, at best being treated like another thing on the to do list and at worst, having to listen to endless rants about all the annoying things OTHER people are guilty of, the 1001 ways their husbands have pissed them off and how they just want the world to fuck off, basically. I've witnessed embarassingly rude behaviour to members of the public, other mums, relatives etc. It's quite a strange and scary personality change and it's happening to around half a dozen of my close friends within my age group. Brain fog is definitely an issue all round too.

There's nothing else to talk about, other than kids, illness. If I try and bring other things up,
I get an eye roll, detached vacant stare or huff and back to ranting.

They've given up completely on hobbies, don't watch tv/read/do anything non work or child related even when they have the time and space and get irritated when you ask simple questions like, "have you enjoyed any tv/books/music/outings recently?" I got my head bitten off for asking my best friend if she'd seen the (very funny) trailer for her favourite actor's latest film last time we met up. Everything is a source of irritation. Other people that aren't their kids existing and breathing is irritating. And it's all everyone elses fault.

I often get the sense I've done something wrong but am bewildered as to what. At times I've asked their sister or husbands if I've upset them or if I need to make ammends in some way and told, "no that's just the way she is these days, I always feel I'm in trouble too!"

I actually don't seem to be in peri yet, and my friends who are at this "fuck off world" stage also seem to be battling with very young kids as they didn't start their families until their later 30s so it's a double whammy for them.

I've been as empathetic as I can these past
few years but it's terribly isolating as any empathy they have doesn't extend any further than their own kids and there is a constant edge and moodiness that's a difficult energy to be around. Especially given that I've experienced some awful life changing events recently and could do with even a 30 minute cuppa and nice chat (not a vent) but lifelong friends seem to be completely stuck in this "I only want my own little bubble and everyone else can fuck of and die!!!" headspace. Offers of help are always rejected. Suggestions of support dismissed or sneered at.

And it's very hard to see that their marriages are also headed for breakdown as their DH's are included in the fuck off and die grouping and they don't seem to be able to bear them at times (even the really good ones).

My own parents marriage ended when my Mum was going through menopause and my Dad and I were her constant source of irritation and had to endure frightening rage episodes, threats to walk out and never return, physically lashing out at both of us for tiny faults (i.e dropping something accidentally, forgetting to bring milk in from the corner shop). She became much nicer (and they remarried!) about 5 years post menopause.

I've found recently that I'm naturally becoming closer to post menopausal women and single men my own age (just friends, no agenda) as they're just a lot nicer than my best friends are at the moment and I don't constantly feel on edge and like I'm about to irrationally upset them. It's just much less complicated and fraught. I'd much rather be around my closest friends but they're just not the same people anymore...and I'm grieving that as well as being aware they can't help it. I hope post-menopause/hrt things improve again. I miss them and the friendships we had so much. And I'm being very vigilant for signs in myself and will get myself on HRT as soon as I notice. I really, really hope it doesn't change my personality in this way when it's my turn. It's very sad.

But yes...so far I'm not enjoying my 40s (or late 30s) at all. Flat, awkward, lonely.

Can't understand the "life begins at 40" trope.

@PerkyMintDeer Your post has actually made me see things more clearly in my own life. I keep thinking everyone around me has changed too which adds to my inner rage. I have been blaming social media changing people up until now (I won’t get on that soap box now!), forgetting all of the people who seem ‘off’ and different, and snappy and ranty and disinterested are more or less in the same age bracket as me! For so long I’ve been feeling everyone has changed and it’s added to the rage and isolation I feel, all the while missing the obvious.

It’s horrible how isolating this age can be. I’m sorry you are finding it hard too(but for different reasons), but glad you are able to have different friendship groups that can give you a social outlet. It really sucks being a woman sometimes.

Definitely sounds like perimenopause. If you aren’t ready to see a GP yet try the Health and Her website, you input your symptoms and then it recommends what supplements you might be needing.

I enjoy my forties but you definitely need extra supplements etc at this age.

@Bettedaviseyes111 Thanks for the website tip, I will take a look at that.

I have never been a people pleaser and have generally never particularly liked people, only in measured doses. 😂 I’m mid 40s though and don’t have any of those physical symptoms.

Try some HRT. I started recently and it’s relieved all the physical symptoms. I still have no time for other people’s shit though, suspect that might be permanent 😂

I'm mid 40s and have been feeling like this and the worst thing is I'm a therapist so I'm probably going to have to change careers. I loved my job and now it exhausts me,

@taaaaaakkkeee Is it the emotional/rage symptoms or the physical symptoms that make you feel you need to change careers?

Just the feeling very introspective and not giving a fuck about anyone except my children as others have mentioned.

I used to care very much about the inner world of others and now I care much less.

I thought for a while it might be burn out / compassion fatigue.

But it's not.

It's a creeping disinterest in the human species.

The thing I realised recently is all my friends in 40s are going through it. We get ratty, there have been fall outs, a drying up of social interaction as we all try and survive while simulteanously wondering what the fuck is wrong with us 😂.

At least am not alone in feeling this way.

It's probably worth chatting to your GP.

I'm 42 and not quite sure if I'm peri. I haven't had a period in years as I have the coil. And I've been on antidepressants for years due to chronic low mood.

But I've been having awful anxiety over the last couple of years, which isn't like me. Anxiety over nothing.

My sleep has absolutely went to shit.

It can take me days...sometimes over a week...to open a message from a friend. I just can't be arsed having to deal with them. Can't be arsed with replying.

Fatigue, joint pain, sudden spotting, sweating and overheating occasionally. My memory used to be on point, not now.

Is 42 too young for this? Probably more like 40 when I think when it started. I know my GP would fob me off, and I'd need to fight like a lion for HRT.

I'll tell you a story about a lady I was speaking to recently. Said her GP put her on Fluoxetine for flushes and night sweats, because HE "doesn't believe in HRT". My jaw hit the floor. But that's for another thread...sorry op!

Just ths jyou for this post! My friend and I (both 40) had this exact chat today. Feel so different, not sure we like it, and generally just feel blaaagghhh about life.
We thought we were just miserable gits!!