How do you manage a relationship with very different disposable income?

[Creamnose]

Can you?

I'm not talking about marriage and family. DH and I earned pretty similarly, except when I was working PT with young DC, then I had a big promotion when I went back FT and was breliefly the higher earner, but in any case, everything was pooled and shared. We genuinely never had any issue with money, it was just ours. We talked about the big purchases and everything else just seemed to work out. There were times when money was tight, but we worked it out between us.

Now middle aged, I'm in a fairly comfortable position (single) and enjoying some travel, nights out etc. I've never seen myself as a materialistic person, I still don't spend much on "stuff" but I do enjoy being able to say yes to e.g. a restaurant invitation, without checking the bank.

I've recently been seeing a man casually, who financially is probably where I was 15 years ago. Has "enough", can pay his bills, run his car, buy a drink, treat his adult children once in a while, will have the odd weekend away, but wouldn't be able to consider a big trip or good restaurants every weekend.

I'm not sure if this can work. To be clear, I don't want his money. I don't want him to spend on me, but I also don't want my life to be restricted by his lack of spending power, if he can't afford to do things with me. I'm happy to go alone or with friends, but as a relationship becomes more serious, that happens less/there's an expectation you'll do more together?

In my marriage, it wouldn't have been a problem because it would have been a case of "we" can/can't afford it, but I have no plans to have that kind of relationship again. However well this goes, I don't intend to live with him, for example.

Can it work that I continue to have the fancy trips with friends or alone, and enjoy "simple pleasures" with him?

What is the answer?

Unequal spending power is one of the main reasons I've split up with partners over the years.

I work hard, I earn well and I'm at the top of my career game. I want to enjoy the pay-off from that. I want to spend freely.
Being in a relationship with someone who can't do that with me is restrictive and limiting. And life's too short for that.

Edited to actually answer the question: No, I don't think it can work. I think compartmentalizing your life into "expensive stuff with friends" and "simply pleasures with DP" won't work in the long-run.

1. Live to his affordability, being “restricted” as you say in your post.
2. Fund the difference for him.
3. Break up. You sound quite career driven—is he? Are you a suitable match?

I was quite career driven, which is how I come to be here, but if I'm honest I'm losing interest now, as I can see retirement within reach, but it should be a fairly comfortable retirement due to my previous endeavours.

He has done very well, but from a different starting point (son of a teenage single mother). He's worked hard and has done much better than his siblings, but it's all relative. He's also been through divorce and having to start over, which has obviously had an impact.

If you are in serious relationship and the wealthier individual wants to do more then presumably they pay for both.

I’m assuming it’s not yet at that stage ?

No. I wouldn't have any objection to occasionally paying for him to join me on something, but I don't think he'd be at all comfortable with that.

I won't be combining my finances with anyone again (mostly to protect my DC's interests).

Is he on track to retire at the same time, at the same lifestyle level?

As bad as it is to say, I think that money is one of the key factors in whether a relationship can survive. My opinion is that both parties need to be aligned on savings goals, housing, attitude to debt, car purchases, holidays, how much to fund children, retirement lifestyle, experiences vs “things”, etc. I also believe that couples need to be aligned on their “drive” to work toward those goals.

but wouldn't be able to consider a big trip or good restaurants every weekend.

I would think there’s quite a bit of middle ground between doing that and how he’s living. If you want to go on a big trip or good restaurants every weekend, I’d do those alone or with friends. You can still do a nice holiday together-it doesn’t have to be a big trip. Can you go to a nice restaurant with him
every couple of months? How much do you want to eat out in expensive places?

It depends how much you want to be with him, I guess. If you don’t see a future anyway, then have that conversation with him.

I agree with you if you're talking marriage, children, shared home, but that's not what I'm aiming for at this stage in life.

Retirement plans is an interesting one. He's a couple of years younger than me and I don't know, but I'd guess looking at working until state retirement age. I'll be very disappointed if I work beyond 55 60.

I can see a life where things stay casual and I do the more expensive things with others, as I do now. Also go off and enjoy my retirement while he's still working, but I don't know how realistic that really is.

I have a different view on money.

All it is to me is an enabler, to do, buy what you want/need with whom you want to do things with.

If you like him, actually him, who he is then personally i can't see a problem in paying for the fancy restaurant or helping out on parr of the holiday.

Just be honest.

Then everyone knows where they stand

If a similar income and equal split costs is important to you then this clearly isn't the man for you.

I think it's vanishingly unlikely that two people will always have equal spending power in the kind of relationship you describe. Even if you did have it now, there's no guarantee it would last anyway.

I also think your expectations of good restaurants every weekend are also pretty unrealistic for many people. Life is expensive!

However I would say that it's okay not to do everything with your partner if they can't afford it - there's nothing wrong with travelling solo or going off with your friends instead if that's what works. I'm sure there are plenty of cheaper activities you could do with your partner that are just as enjoyable as trips away and meals at good restaurants 🤷‍♀️

I’m happily married but if god forbid anything happened to DH I wouldn’t have a boyfriend who wasn’t a financial equal. I enjoy nice things and I’m used to being able to afford them, no way would I take a lifestyle drop for a new partner or even worse fund them to match mine. I’d rather do these things with friends and wait until I met someone who was more of a financial equal. The last thing I plan to spend my later years doing is funding a man or spending my weekends at the local hungry horse!

I don't have a problem with paying. TBH I probably pay more than my share whoever I'm out with, always buy the first drink, pay the tip/cab etc. He wouldn't want to do things he can't afford to do.

I do like him a lot and for the time being, the life where I go to the races with one group of friends, concerts with another, fine dining with my sister and pub/cinema/a walk with him suits me just fine. I just don't know how realistic it is longer term. ATM he doesn't seem to mind being "excluded" from large parts of my life, but I wonder if that would last.

The main issue for me atm is that I have one important friendship group who are big spenders. They always invite him, he almost always says no, which was bothering me, but he has recently told me it's because can't afford it. That's not a surprise, I spent £180 on an afternoon/evening with them this weekend and for them, that was a fairly casual one. I probably do that with them once/twice a month.

I didn't like keep having my invitations turned down, but now I understand, I'm happy to keep seeing them without him and do other things with him. TBH in many ways it suits me to keep the groups seperate and not to be in each other's pockets anyway.

DH and I were in this situation when we first met. He was a high earner. I was working in a caff and struggling to make ends meet. It did cause some tension, partly because he was blissfully unaware how uncomfortable I felt when he arrived with vast bouquets of flowers that would have paid my rent for the week, or took me out for dinners that would have covered my utilities for the month.

But, we made it work. I cooked at home for him. On dates I arranged, we did loads of free stuff we both enjoyed, like visiting galleries and museums or having a picnic on Hampstead Heath or getting (in those days free) tickets to audience shows like Later with Joolz Holland or the filming of a comedy.

For me, the point would be - does this man make an effort to create fun and memorable dates you both genuinely enjoy within his budget? Take turns. You pay for the fancy dinners or expensive weekends away. He makes the effort to find fun things to do that don't cost the earth.

I think it is rather odd for the higher earner, of either sex, to do expensive holidays and activities with friends while the lower earner just looks on. High earner doesn’t want to pay, or does and low earner doesn’t want to be paid for, doesn’t really matter. I can’t see how it’s sustainable.

Watching with interest as having a flirtation with a man who had a lot less money and salary than me. My last too exes were wealthy but very mean and it was wearing trying to have a good time without having to fund it all myself.

I agree completely in a realtionship that has children, shared home etc in the future, but I'm not sure relationships starting in middle age are quite the same? I very rarely went away without DH and that would have been a weekend break or similar, I wouldn't have spent family money on a big trip without him, but it's different now.

Maybe it shouldn't be but it is a bit different when the woman us the better off? A "good" man won't want her to pay for him, whereas culturaly/socially that's quite normal for women?

To reiterate, it's not that I don't want to pay for him, but that he wouldn't want me to, although actually, I'm not sure I'd want to feel "kept" if the positions were reversed.

If you want to go somewhere and it's not in his budget then you pay for him surely? I feel there is a bit of unconscious sexism here, if a man were the main earner it would be expected he pay for his date and the woman would accept the offer. But because it's the reverse you are questioning why you should have to pay for a man and he is possibly letting his male ego stop him from accepting. It's just something to think about OP, I'm not criticising.

Sorry OP just saw your last update which makes the same point I just made.

I don’t necessarily think you should be funding, and he doesn’t want that anyway, and I agree if you live with someone it’s quite different. But if I were the lower earner, without begrudging you a single thing, the thought of being home alone or in the pub, while you were with the rich mates, is reality tricky, I know I’d be sad, upset, wistful, whatever. As a casual friend, fine. As a potential long term partner, whom I had feelings for, no.

I completely agree with this. You need to be on the same page. Financial inequality in a serious relationship can be a massive issue.

I have just left a relationship where I was massively less better off than my partner, but there were a lot more inequalities than that.

From a financial perspective, we both worked same hours and just as hard but I earnt half the money. We both paid 50/50 towards the house and bills which we owned together. I never expected him to pay for anything of mine, clothes etc but I think it became an issue for me when I was financially very hard up for a few months and struggling and he was spending around £500 a month on himself on designer clothing, it just made me feel worthless and sad really, that I wasn’t worth supporting through a time of hardship when he had the means to do so. I would have helped if it was the other way round and I think it made me realise, amongst many other things I might add, that I just wasn’t worth enough to him.

I think it would of been nice for him to occasionally invest in some shared experiences for us as well (no I don’t mean expensive holidays, maybe a meal out or a night away) just to let me know he cared or appreciated me (I literally did everything, and I mean everything at home) as he had an excess of disposable income in comparison and just blew it all on materialistic things he didn’t need (it was all designer clothing) but I appreciate how he might not have seen it that way from his point of view.

We won't ever live together though. I wouldn't necessarily know what he's up to when I'm out with friends and he won't be contributing to any of my bills.

Ah I see, sorry I missed that bit!

I think pay for things that he is happy but not uncomfortable with that you want to pay for and maybe not for the more expensive/extravagant days out as he might feel uncomfortable if you are spending £180 on a day out for him with your friends and this might potentially embarrass him too.

Maybe just things for the two of you and see how you both feel about it as things progress? You might feel held back at times or sad he can’t join you in things, but equally he might feel the same. Hard to say really without trying. If you weren’t ever going to live together I think just come up with an agreement and have regular conversations about it, keep communicating honestly.