How do you manage a relationship with very different disposable income?

[Creamnose]

Can you?

I'm not talking about marriage and family. DH and I earned pretty similarly, except when I was working PT with young DC, then I had a big promotion when I went back FT and was breliefly the higher earner, but in any case, everything was pooled and shared. We genuinely never had any issue with money, it was just ours. We talked about the big purchases and everything else just seemed to work out. There were times when money was tight, but we worked it out between us.

Now middle aged, I'm in a fairly comfortable position (single) and enjoying some travel, nights out etc. I've never seen myself as a materialistic person, I still don't spend much on "stuff" but I do enjoy being able to say yes to e.g. a restaurant invitation, without checking the bank.

I've recently been seeing a man casually, who financially is probably where I was 15 years ago. Has "enough", can pay his bills, run his car, buy a drink, treat his adult children once in a while, will have the odd weekend away, but wouldn't be able to consider a big trip or good restaurants every weekend.

I'm not sure if this can work. To be clear, I don't want his money. I don't want him to spend on me, but I also don't want my life to be restricted by his lack of spending power, if he can't afford to do things with me. I'm happy to go alone or with friends, but as a relationship becomes more serious, that happens less/there's an expectation you'll do more together?

In my marriage, it wouldn't have been a problem because it would have been a case of "we" can/can't afford it, but I have no plans to have that kind of relationship again. However well this goes, I don't intend to live with him, for example.

Can it work that I continue to have the fancy trips with friends or alone, and enjoy "simple pleasures" with him?

What is the answer?

I'm sure it can work but I've had difficulties.

I dated someone for a few years who had cleared a couple of million in a share sale. I was on about £35k, little house, mortgage. I said up front that I couldn't afford his lifestyle but he said he didn't mind. So some weekends we'd be at mine and I'd cook and we'd do stuff locally, cycling and seeing friends. His weekends might be the same but sometimes he'd book an expensive hotel or trip. His choice. I certainly didn't ask or expect him to spend like that.

Then he burned through the money and began to make snippy comments about why I couldn't pay for lunch (at his favourite Michelin starred restaurant). Lunch at home in the garden wasn't enough for him anymore. It came to a head when he put me in an unforgivable position, in public and quite intentionally. So I ended it.

He still emails occasionally but I'm not going there again. Difficult !

Don't let resentment build. Keep communicating. If you start to see his lower salary as laziness or if you think he's taking advantage, be open and end it if necessary.

I think it's nice to do some things together and some things separately. I'd continue the relationship but I'd also continue to do what I wanted. He can decide what he does and doesn't want to attend, if he's invited, based on his own budget.

Few men are able to cope with being the lower earner.
They will try to purloin your income and resources and if they are unsuccessful in that endeavour then they will try to sabotage your earning potential.
I think there's a good chance he's keeping you sweet because he wants a sugar mummy.

I've been with my partner 10 years. He earns double what I earn,I usually book holidays and we pay half each. In June I went on holiday by myself as he didn't want to go. I booked a really cheap deal ND had a great time. Suggested we go together in September. He does not like the place I went (self catering studio) said it was like a room in someone's house! Wants a proper hotel. It's going to be about £1500 more, so he is paying the difference. Can you not do something like that?

Hey Bob, I fancy a weekend in Lisbon in September, do you want to come. No, fine I'll go by myself. Yes great, what's your budget? If you don't like what you get at that price you top it up? Sane with restaurants or whatever.

DH and I didn't share our money until we got married, so we had 5 years of having a relationship without shared money and very unequal incomes. He earned about 7 times my income (and I had greater outgoings as I had a dc). He almost always paid for us on dates out, and paid for both of us on holidays. I would sometimes organise nights out as I had access to complimentary tickets, and sometimes I'd book and pay for tickets for both of us, mainly I suppose because I knew about events happening so it was convenient for me to organise. He has never really done big trips with friends tbh, he has done most of his travelling with me since we met. We never discussed money in much detail, he could comfortably afford to pay for both of us and wanted to share the trips and other
experiences with me, so it just made sense to do things that way.

It has worked for us. We pool everything now we're married.

It wouldn't be a problem for me. The main thing to decide between you is how you each feel about it and what you want to do about it

You might for example stick to things within his budget when you do things together and have different approaches for things you do apart.

You can do that for every day, and then take it in turns to choose, organise and fund 'treats', making it clear that you expect equal effort but not equal costs.

My first serious relationship started at Uni when he was doing an engineering course which meant he worked 50% of the year in reasonably well paid (compared to full time student me! He paid for more because we both knew that at some point my earnings would overtake his. I let him decide most of what we did knowing that my turn would come.

Imagine my surprise when he had no intention of letting me decide anything when my earnings did overtake his and complained to anyone who would listen that I was trying to take over and ruin our relationship because earning more was making me 'uppity'.

Never been a problem for me but you to have to be really honest about his is works for each of you. Hope it goes well