Should adult son contribute.

[ElleLeopine]

Would really appreciate your views on this.
ExDH and I are recently divorced, all amicable, and good co-parenting relationship.
We have DS25 and DD14. DD has just completed a very successful school year, awards at end of year assembly, fantastic school report, and a Distinction in her grade 1 violin exam.
As a reward we have decided to go out for a family meal to her favourite restaurant. This was partly suggested by DS.
Generally when we go out as a family, ex and I split the cost. He has suggested that DS should contribute also. DS has an income but still lives at home.
I am in two minds about whether I agree. What do you think?

No - this is a parental treat for your dd’s achievements and he is part of the family celebration. You should spilt the bill as parents and as hosts.

My husband and I would pay for the meal for everyone

Unless you're totally skint or there's some drip feed about your son being totally awful , why wouldn't you?

I would not expect him to contribute to a family celebratory meal. I would expect him to be contributing to the household. Money, food, cooking, cleaning, etc.

not for a meal out like this, this should be a parent thing, it’s to celebrate dd school achievements.

No, it's a celebration of your DD's achievements this year.

That's such a miserable attitude. It's a family celebration meal. I dont know of anyone who'd have their adult child pay under those circumstances

I said no because you really want DS’s company and it’s nice to treat young adult children too. A lot ofMNers are of the opinion that once a child turns 18 or 21 or works they should pay their own way in everything. But I am currently on holiday with DS 25 who earns a lot but we are paying for it all because we can afford to and invited him to come. He did pay for one restaurant meal for us though! However, if money is tight then it’s fair to ask him to pay for his own meal especially if he suggested the event.Does he contribute to home expenses?

Thanks for everyone's responses so far.
DS does contribute to home finances.
Finances are OK but we do have to be careful.
I am still thinking.

Oh don't be so tight

Unless money's so tight that DS contributing makes the difference between going or not going, a celebration like this is on the parents, imo. I'd even pay for my kids in their mind 30s for a family celebration (though of course they'd offer).

But if things really are desperately tight for both you and ex, then I'd say to DS "it was a lovely idea to take DD out, but things are tight, so we can only really do it if you're happy to pay for your own meal"

No, unless you are totally brassic and in this case you should pick somewhere cheaper anyway or order a pizza.

No I wouldn't. He already pays you board, paying for this seems a step too far.

If he did pay, what share would you expect him to pay? Just pay for his food/drink? His and half his sisters? Split the bill 3 ways? If you are going to ask him (has he offered?) to pay, make him aware before you go and what he'll be expected to contribute. He might decide to order the cheapest meal and drink water to keep his share low which sounds like a miserable outing for him.

If you invite him to come "We'd love you to come for dinner to celebrate..." you pay if you say "we're going for a meal to celebrate.... would you like to join us" then he can contribute but id you want him to come I can't see why you wouldn't pay

No I wouldn't expect him to

I would hopefully always be able to pay for my children if I invite them out, unless they insisted on paying. I would also use it as a lure to see them!

Son needs to start contributing to the household finances ... its what grown ups do.

No, it's your treat.
Son needs to start contributing to the household finances ... its what grown ups do
He does contribute@JoyousPinkPeer

I wouldn't ask in this situation. If for no other reason than that DS might say "no" and not come which negates the point of the celebration. If you want him there, I think you pay for him.

Aren't you inviting him out for a family meal though? If you are inviting your children out for dinner then you should expect to pay. If you cant afford it then don't extend the invite.

I have 2 adult DC and we do now sometimes split costs of meals out or whatever. But for a celebration, no. I always pay in that scenario.

I would go the other way if money is tight.

He should be contributing to the household if he is earning,

If you treat your family to a celebration meal, it is your treat so you pay.

No, it's a treat for your daughter from her parents, because of her hard work, and to complete the celebration your DS is invited too. If you expect him to pay he may choose not to come! However, as an adult if he is living in your home he should be contributing something to food/bills etc.

I’m 26, moved out at 18. I’ve always paid for myself at family meals out. I have always had a low income.

I don’t really understand why people are more likely to pay for their adult children if they live at home? If you live independently you have less income.

I'm a bit torn on this actually. Ordinarily, to celebrate a younger sibling's exams, I'd say absolutely not, it's a family celebration and parents pay. However, I would raise an eyebrow at a 25yo volunteering parents to take everyone out for dinner and might pretend to assume he was offering to treat everyone.

If anything @ElleLeopine you could ask him to cover the tip as a way to contribute and start being a responsible tipper.

That said, your ex husband’s attitude shows a streak of stinginess. Was he like this when you were married? I’d be concerned he may start closing the wallet sooner than necessary in terms of paying for joint child expenses.

Actually, to give your ex some benefit of the doubt, does your son normally order lavishly or way too much food, especially if someone’s paying? That may be a reason why your ex wants him to contribute. It may be a curb on overeating?