Should adult son contribute.

[ElleLeopine]

Would really appreciate your views on this.
ExDH and I are recently divorced, all amicable, and good co-parenting relationship.
We have DS25 and DD14. DD has just completed a very successful school year, awards at end of year assembly, fantastic school report, and a Distinction in her grade 1 violin exam.
As a reward we have decided to go out for a family meal to her favourite restaurant. This was partly suggested by DS.
Generally when we go out as a family, ex and I split the cost. He has suggested that DS should contribute also. DS has an income but still lives at home.
I am in two minds about whether I agree. What do you think?

If you think things need to change going forward I would discuss new contributions a few days or so after the meal. If DS knows things would change going forward he can then plan and budget for those changes. Changing things right before a family celebration isn't fair to either of your DC and could make for a very uncomfortable mea. Your DD deserves her celebration to be happy and unmared by the recent changes to the family structure .

The kids paying thing is quite interesting as I do entirely see the view that it's good if a child is earning to pay their own way. However I do think that you might get to the point where a child will chose to spend money if its tight hanging out with their friends rather than their family. I would expect that from younger people. At least if you always pay for them if its an expensive restaurant, they know it's a "free meal" sort of, and may be more likely to come and you can enjoy their company. And may take you out too sometimes!

It's the same with holidays. We can only have one holiday in the summer and my in-laws ask us, don't offer to pay but the holiday is on their terms. So we dont go. The choice is a holiday hanging out with in laws or a holiday with our own family or friends. If they offered to pay (they are wealthy) that would be a carrot and we might go and do both but otherwise why would we chose to pay the expense of a holiday with our in laws? They are fun but not that fun! And we see them a lot so they won't miss out on family time.

My aim with my kids is to pay for them to come on holiday for as long as possible and do something that is fun for all of us as that way they might be keen to come! My kids are family orientated but I fully realise that we are not their generation so we will need to bribe them to come on holiday because I still want to go on holiday with my children. That's not to say I'm putting a financial price on being with family; I'm just being realistic and saying if a twenty year old has the choice between paying to go on hols with friends or paying to go on hols with his mother, I don't fancy my chances! So good to try make sure he can do both if I can!

What are the plans for DS in the near future, will he be leaving home soon? I’m assuming what he pays you for keep doesn’t cover the costs of him living with you. Does he spend any time at ex’s?

Did/do you take DS out for meals to celebrate his successes? How come he suggested this meal?

I agree, by and large, that if you want adult DC to keep doing things with the family, you need to pay, or they'll choose to spend the money elsewhere. I wouldn't he accepting a situation where adult DC were volunteering my money though.

I'd pay for him at a celebration meal like this, in the same way as I would if he lived independently.

However I'd also assume my 25 year old, if living at home, would be paying what they cost towards the household. Unless maybe I'd agreed to keep them for free/cheap while they eg studied for a qualification, saved for a deposit or some other specific goal. It sounds like that might not be the case here, in which case the issue wouldn't really be the meal?

I’d also pay for your son. There is a point that it shifts from parents paying for meals with their adult children but I don’t think it’s at 25 and they are still living at home! Unless you really are skint but then I’d look for something cheaper. I’m 34, I had to contribute towards the household for the few weeks I was at home after uni and I still get treated by my parents. DH’s parents will pay for us too. It’s getting to the point where we will start paying for all of a meal as childcare costs ease and parents start to retire. I think my parents are trying to push that down the road as much as possible though as that’ll make them feel old!