I think I am depressed, but I have no idea what to do

[StressedAndDepressed1]

Posting here in the hopes it might end up in me finding some help

I am 25, and for full disclosure I am overweight. I know this is bad and people will tell me how bad it is.

However I feel like I have completely lost myself. I used to be really interested in sports, could sit and read a book in an afternoon, used to love going to the gym and was really invested in eating healthily - low UPF, whole foods etc.

Over the last few months I have lost all my interest in everything. Would happily lie in bed all day. I have no passion to watch the sports I used to, I have no interest in them. I'm irritable, can't sleep, and I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down.

I use all my energy to go to work. After work I'm drained, I don't want to do anything.

I lost 5 stone, and got down to 19st7. It was my lowest weight in years and I was SO proud and excited to carry on. I've put on over a stone again. I know it's bad, but I have no motivation to go to the gym. Everyone says "just force yourself" but it's so hard. I'm tired down to my bones.

I know if I go to my doctor I'll be told to exercise and eat healthy, but I just feel like a shell of a person. I feel empty, I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t know where to turn or what to do, without being told it's all due to my weight and I need to stop being lazy. I feel broken

I'm sorry you feel so low OP- it sounds like you have been through a lot, and you need to be kinder to yourself (far easier said than done, I know).

Does your work have an employee assistance programme? If so, they may offer mental health support, the same may be true if you are a member of a union.

I also agree with other posters that you should go back to the GP- ask to see someone different if you were not pleased with the previous GP. I would also suggest asking for blood tests to rule out any deficiencies, low thyroid etc that might be causing or contributing to your excessive tiredness.

I can sit and come up with all the plans in the world, I just never have the motivation to stick to it at the moment

I was depressed for about a year I didn’t know that it was depression. I also binge ate, I was getting temporary seratonin in boosts from food. Talking therapy was exhausting, took energy I didn’t have and not something that I feel worked for me. Just start will small habits and go from there it’s what I’ve done

I don't think you should see that same GP again.

Perhaps try to access support for the difficulties - bereavement, SA, bullying are all huge emotional stressors that don't disappear just because the events are in the past.

Thank you 🩷 we do actually have employee assistance so I'll look into that!

You do not need to go through your GP to access therapy. NHS talking therapies are available in all areas and you can self refer online or over the phone, google IAPT and your area and you should find the info you need!

Oh I'll do this now, I honestly just can't face seeing my GP at the moment feeling like this

To be fair, depression is a bit of a bitch to deal with becuase it tends to sap you of any wish to do absolutely ANYTHING.

Counselling is a good start to try and unpack what is going on. It sounds like you already kind of know some of what is going on and the history of why you may be feeling this way.

Did something particular trigger it do you think?

I am angry for you that your GP keeps telling you to lose weight, I mean sure, losing weight is something that I think should be a goal, but it isn't the cause of depression and you're unlikely to lose any weight if you continue to be depressed.

Counselling did help me a lot when I felt depressed, and honestly, I could barely be arsed to brush my teeth at one point, or get dressed.

I think that medication would be very helpful for you in the form of anti-depressants. I don't think that you need to be on them forever, but I do think that they can take the edge off so that you can get some things done.

I set goals for myself at first, and they were literally tiny goals - like "eat a BIT healthier today" or "brush teeth". A bit of self care helped me and I had to push myself very hard to do that at one point.

The counsellor was always there kicking my ass when I fell back into old ways, he was constantly there reminding me to get myself into a routine. Do you have a routine? Not being in a routine can make things INCREDIBLY dicey.

I don't think you need to plunge headlong into weight loss, a bit of walking would be a start, eating regularly, skincare, good sleep. All those things.

Having a journal to write in on a daily basis is helpful because you can get your feelings out and onto paper - that is never a bad thing to start doing.

I mean look it's going to sound kind of shitty and corny, because when you're in the midst of bad depression all the things people suggest are bullshit. You can't be arsed with any of them, ANY activity seems futile and pointless or boring or frustrating or some combination of those. It's basically like being at the bottom of Everest and having to trudge to the top despite having no fucking idea why. It's not worth it when you're depressed.

The thing is, you have to decide somewhere inside you that it is worth it. That you being born was an actual miracle (because the odds of being born are absolutely crazy - go look it up) and that you aren't going to do this anymore, you don't want this anymore.

It can be helpful to write a list of everything you fucking hate about your life, and everything that you want to be, then everything that you like about yourself (and no you cannot write NOTHING).

What in an ideal world would you want to be like, spend your time doing, and what direction would you like your life to go in. Then you take TINY steps in that direction, and i mean tiny.

Identify depression as a bit of a demon, because that is what it is. It's not who you are, it's a demon that you need to fight against. It wants you to be alone, it wants you to stay in bed all day, it wants you to eat crap, it wants you to hate yourself and it wants you to have absolutely no resolve to do anything about it because then you belong to it. That's how my counsellor described it to me, and how I now identify with it. It isn't who I am.

So the question is, what are you going to do about it? What tiny step are you going to take today that is going to start loosening the grip of depression?

'Available' hmm.

In our area waiting lists are extremely long, so talking therapy is not really available at all.

If you do access it, you get six weeks which is of minimal use.

Betterhelp is pretty good if you can afford it.

Tonight I'll have a bath and do some real self care (oils, face masks etc.), tomorrow I will wake up before 9:30 and go for a walk

Ok OP if you aren't going to go to the GP then perhaps looking at things slightly differently.

You lost 5 stone, gained 1 back, so you are still 4 stone down, that's 4 stone that your heart and skeleton are still not carrying around. So it might be worth aiming for another 1/2 stone right now one lb at a time.

How about listening to some gentle podcasts?

The BBC Dr Michael Mosley ones are really good, gentle, positive, uplifting.

How about doing something around the house this evening that involves a bit of movement but also gets something done? I have x3 quite big clean dry laundry piles to put away. Kid's stuff to go on first floor our stuff up to top bedroom. I reckon it's 25-30 minutes up and down stairs carrying things.

Eat a piece of fruit. Person i like the simple fruit, apple or orange from the fridge. Eating it slowly, imagining being in a Spanish Square overlooking a dusty fountain. Bliss.

Sometimes, and this might sound harsh but it's not intended that way, you just have to get on with things no matter whether you feel like it or not. It doesn't matter how much I need a bed day, I have to feed kids, pack school bags, sort out washing and not let them live in a pigsty. I zone out, put the radio on and just start doing a couple of things. No magic solution just do what needs doing.

A cold, cool as you can handle shower, really helps, i don't know why, Dr Mosley has done a podcast about this also.

Why can't you see a different GP in the practice? Failing that, you can change your GP. Not all GP's are unhelpful. There's a lot of good ones out there.

I don't get a choice, I just get allocated and nine times out of ten it's a nurse practitioner. I've referred for talking therapy

When you're booking a GP appointment, you can request a specific GP, it just might take a bit longer to get an appointment.

I've never been offered this, our online form is now closed so I'll take a look tomorrow and see if that's an option!

Do you like close to your practice? If so I'd highly recommend visiting in person and quietly speaking to a receptionist about it and asking to see one of the senior doctors. You don't have to divulge much, but I've found explaining the situation face to face can be really helpful in pinpointing the best person to see.

Ok... write that shit down.

Don't take on too much at once then end up beating yourself up and getting more depressed because you didn't do everything you said you'd do.

That was another one that got me. Oh I said i'd wake up at 8 and I didn't wake up until 9, I am f'ing useless.

We're not doing that.

Set your intentions, stick to them as much as you possibly can, resolve not to let yourself off the hook.

Quite often I would fail to do certain things, and as soon as I felt the depression of "failure" creeping up on me I would think "fine, I am going to go for a walk around the block right now then because I can only really handle 5 minutes of walking". Then you come back, and you feel a bit better. Literally anything is movement - you don't need to be "oh i'll run for 1 hour tomorrow", you just set yourself a small goal and if you feel like it, you say "ok i've done 5 minutes, i'll do another 5 actually thanks very much"

The whole thing is about gathering momentum through tiny things. A bit every day. Some days it'll be better, some days it'll be worse. Sometimes you'll completely spiral and hate yourself, but it's fine, you pick yourself up and you start again.

You got this.

Your history of SA is enough to make life difficult, so try and obtain support for that.

Try to be more insistent and advocate for yourself to receive the support you need. From GP, friends and family.

I really think/agree that you need to change your GP practice. Maybe check reviews in your local area and select a good practice to join. If you don’t want to do that then speak to a member of reception staff, tell them you need to see a GP who has expertise in mental health and that you are prepared to wait. When you get an appointment ask them who it is with, and make sure it is a qualified GP. If this doesn’t work ask for the contact details of the practice manager/complaints handler and make a formal complaint in writing.

Depression is debilitating, can be short term but many people need/benefit from antidepressants. Any medical professional who tells a patient to just lose weight should be reported to a superior/regulatory body for neglect. Someone could come to serious fatal harm due to this kind of ignorant dismissive attitude. Ask them if there are no skinny depressed people then ? With your history you will likely need counselling and medication , and then support addressing other issues. Im so angry that you are going through this. Good luck !

This government page has links to a whole lot of free resources for SA survivors. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone who understands and is sympathetic.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/support-for-victims-of-sexual-violence-and-abuse

Also, Vitamin D deficiency causes lethargy and low mood. So maybe ask the GP to check your levels. I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, tired and tearful a few years ago.My GP thought to check vitamin D levels and after taking a supplement for a month I felt better. Not perfect but improved. In the uk many people are vitamin D deficient due to our lovely weather, if you’re going out less this could exacerbate the problem. I believe it’s safe to take a supplement, but better check with your doctor. Getting daily sunshine could help. I’m not suggesting this is a cure for depression, just that it may alleviate your symptoms a little based on what has helped me a little in the past 🤗

When you feel like this it is hard to take in the positives, you did really well to lose that amount of weight, and to see things logically. It does sound like the gp’s attitude doesn’t help. I know from experience how hard it is to overcome the inertia, half your brain knows what you need to do but the other half is frozen. I eventually contacted my gp surgery, and asked for an appointment for mental health, at that point it was phone appointments which was actually easier in some ways. I got medication and links to online CBT, both helped more than I expected. Can you try to see a different doctor? Can you self refer to the local mental health team? Can you read up about ways to help yourself? Practice being nice to yourself, that sounds trite but small steps can change your state of mind slowly.

In the meantime do you have a friend that you can go for walks with, well anything really some reason to leave the house?

I am going to suggest something very practical, which I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of criticism for, but anyway- could you afford a weight loss drug like ozempic? Which will actually probably work for you to lose weight, certainly more likely to work than trying endless different diets.

@StressedAndDepressed1 I've just had a look and there is actually a whole section in the big/ slim/ whatever board called "weight loss injections/ treatments". And it looks like it's very active.