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Original poster

Conversation with DS16. Is he inviting me to say what I really want to say?

45 replies

WinkyTinky · 15/07/2024 23:18

Me and DS16 have recently been sitting up late or out in the garden talking a lot. He is very philosophical, to the point of being a bit nihilistic, mostly about his future and what he should do with his life after school. He's not motivated by earning money from a good job, the usual aims you have when you're young. So he's been asking me what I get out of life, what I think about every day, what I want from my future, and what I really want to say to him is that I don't love his dad and want him to leave. It fills my mind every day, wondering how that will work out, whether it's the right choice or the wrong choice, whether 'love' (or lack of) matters more than keeping a house and family together. I want to tell him that the terrible relationship he sees between his mum and dad is not normal, and that it is always an option to move on if you're not happy. At times I feel he is fully aware of this and is giving me the opportunity to say it. But do I? Should I? Sometimes I think it would be a relief to him to finally bring this all to a head. But what if I'm wrong and it will make him so much worse?

OP posts:
WaitingForMojo · 15/07/2024 23:20

You shouldn’t put this on your ds. You should find an adult to talk to and leave your unhappy marriage if that’s what you want to do.

Itsmychristmasdress · 15/07/2024 23:20

Please don't lay that at his door he is a 16 year old boy, not your therapist.
It would be very unfair on him.

Rainbowsponge · 15/07/2024 23:21

No.

It’s easy to be nihilistic when your food appears in the fridge and a roof appears over your head btw. He’ll feel differently when he has to look after himself.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Flanjango · 15/07/2024 23:22

This really depends on exactly how he's asked it. If he's asking what's the point in life generally then absolutely do not even think of sharing, which is what I suspect he's meaning. He sounds like he's struggling with the point to life...adding your issues would not be helpful in any way. You really should seek out more mature friends to reach out to on this one. He's too young for the responsibility of your happiness.

Slayday · 15/07/2024 23:23

I have DS same age and separated from his dad ten months ago after 24 years and I’m having the best life. My kids now see me dancing and singing and enjoying life whereas I was dead inside married. Honestly OP your son will be fine so long as you keep on good terms with your H. Don’t waste another minute. My family is better off now that their mum is joyful. The vibes are totally radiating and we are all getting along fab without H. He is still involved so it’s working out well. It can be done.

Gardenschmarden99 · 15/07/2024 23:24

No. He is venting stuff at what he perceives in a safe and stable adult. If you need to share your wobbly feelings speak to a friend or counsellor.

Slayday · 15/07/2024 23:25

Btw I’m not reading your question as should you tell your son but if you should split with your H. Do not tell your son. It’s not his cross to bear. Tell your H.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 15/07/2024 23:26

Even if he thinks he wants you to say it, you should not. You should never lean emotionally on a 16 year old, no matter how mature.

You should, however, tell someone. Preferably your husband by the sounds of it. Why are you staying if things are that awful?

taylorswift1989 · 15/07/2024 23:27

Absolutely no way should you talk to your son about your relationship issues. Just no.

Talk to your husband, your best mates, a counsellor.

You're supposed to protect and support your son, not lay your problems at his door.

Qwertys · 15/07/2024 23:28

Please don’t say this to him. It’s really damaging when parents cross boundaries in this way. If you want to end your marriage, do so.

Qwertys · 15/07/2024 23:30

“I want to tell him that the terrible relationship he sees between his mum and dad is not normal, and that it is always an option to move on if you're not happy.”

The best way to show him this is to actually do it, if you’re really sure. If you’re not sure then why are you even thinking of telling him.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/07/2024 23:32

Talk it through with adult friends or therapists, and then make your decision. Don't put that responsibility on your son, that wouldn't be fair on him. It's damaging for kids when parents cast them in the role of therapist.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2024 23:32

Your child is not your therapist. Of course you don't burden them with this shit.

Onabench · 15/07/2024 23:32

God, absolutely not. He is your child. At 16, at 36, they will still be your child. You're never going to be on an equal level and they are not your friend. They need to rely on you as a parent and are NOT your confident. I am all for having a bantery, casual relationship with your child but disclosing relationship issues is a step too far IMO. It puts a weight on their shoulders, that a parent should never put on their child.

NoTouch · 15/07/2024 23:32

Dh was his mother's emotional crutch and she put the burden of their relationship issues and her unhappiness on his young shoulders, playing the martyr and trying to turn him against his dad. Shitty thing to do to a child.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/07/2024 23:32

No, it's too much to put on him.
I understand why you might want to, and it's great you are having these discussions. But you need to talk your issues through with another adult who isn't as enmeshed in the relationships as your son is.
And you need to continue trying to support your son in this nihilistic phase while going through whatever relationship and living arrangement changes take place.
Are you both able to access any support or counselling? Is there anything through his school or college?

SummerInSun · 15/07/2024 23:36

Agree with all PP. Unless he is asking you the direct question "mum, are you happy with dad? Why don't you leave him?", say absolutely nothing. And if does ask you a direct question, that tells you your relationship is visibly so bad that you need to leave. But if you are sitting there worrying that your relationship is modelling all the wrong things to him, and that you wouldn't want him in a relationship like that, then you already know you should get out.

It sounds almost like you feel you need your DS's permission to leave. You don't. But more to the point, that would be a terrible responsibility to lay on him - to make him feel it was something he said that either caused you to leave and break up the marriage or caused you to stay unhappy. There is no good outcome there.

Regalia · 15/07/2024 23:38

I was the child both my parents burdened with stuff I shouldn’t have known far too young. Don’t do it. By all means decide to end your marriage and move on, but talk it through with a friend or therapist, so you can support your son through the break up if/when it happens — he shouldn’t be your confidante at this stage.

PoopedAndScooped · 15/07/2024 23:40

Do not do this

Talk to your husband and break up!

Meadowwild · 15/07/2024 23:41

Blimey. Really? No of course you shouldn't tell him that. He may be fishing for reassurance, but more probably he is just being a nihilistic teen who wants to discuss his existential angst. He may be asking you questions that he really wants you to ask back at him so he can discuss his own plans. Way down the list of likelihoods is that he wants to hear you don't love his dad.

You could answer him honestly but obliquely - say in the future you hope to build skills, have adventures etc and give the impression you feel life is yours for the taking, that you are not trapped, long term, but without referencing his dad.

I'd focus on him, on discussing the wide variety of things that add up to a fulfilled life, even if it isn't always perfectly happy, since no life is, 24/7.

CheekyHobson · 15/07/2024 23:43

Christ no. Make a decision of your own accord whether or not to leave your marriage (talk to a therapist if need be) but please don’t make your child part of your process.

Original poster
WinkyTinky · 15/07/2024 23:43

Thank you all. Of course I know not to burden him with this. But he asks if I'm happy, so do I just say yes?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 15/07/2024 23:52

WinkyTinky · 15/07/2024 23:43

Thank you all. Of course I know not to burden him with this. But he asks if I'm happy, so do I just say yes?

Tell him no-one is happy all the time and that you have your ups and downs like everyone else. Tell him that being his mum makes you very happy 😊

If you're really unhappy in your marriage, you don't have to stay. Although it's scary to think about, you may all be happier in the long run. Get some legal advice and start thinking about how you move on from this.

lovemyboyz247 · 15/07/2024 23:56

It's difficult when your child is asking you specifically if you are happy, especially if you think he can see you are not.

I know most of the advice here has been not to use him as your emotional support and to speak to your friends or therapist, but I also think if your teen is asking a direct question, then it's best not to lie to them. You could say you are not happy at the moment and explain that life will always have ups and down and try to keep it quite general.

I agree not to use your teen as a therapist, but I know from personal experience that when parents lie to their children, that causes it's own problems as this can be quite confusing. The teenager thinks they are wrong at reading the situation, when actually they are right and then it can create self doubt for them when they become adults and are trying to navigate through their own problems.

TheSquareMile · 15/07/2024 23:56

@WinkyTinky

I don't think that you should say anything about the way you feel to your son.

Would it help to talk to Relate?

https://www.relate.org.uk/