Conversation with DS16. Is he inviting me to say what I really want to say?

[WinkyTinky]

Me and DS16 have recently been sitting up late or out in the garden talking a lot. He is very philosophical, to the point of being a bit nihilistic, mostly about his future and what he should do with his life after school. He's not motivated by earning money from a good job, the usual aims you have when you're young. So he's been asking me what I get out of life, what I think about every day, what I want from my future, and what I really want to say to him is that I don't love his dad and want him to leave. It fills my mind every day, wondering how that will work out, whether it's the right choice or the wrong choice, whether 'love' (or lack of) matters more than keeping a house and family together. I want to tell him that the terrible relationship he sees between his mum and dad is not normal, and that it is always an option to move on if you're not happy. At times I feel he is fully aware of this and is giving me the opportunity to say it. But do I? Should I? Sometimes I think it would be a relief to him to finally bring this all to a head. But what if I'm wrong and it will make him so much worse?

That's good, because it kind of sounded like you didn't know.

If he asks if you're happy, you can tell him, yes generally speaking, even though things aren't always perfect. You can say you love being his mum and that spending time with him makes you happy. You can say you have ups and downs like everyone, but overall life is worth living.

On no account tell your child you're not happy or that you're having relationship issues. It's just not fair.

If that's what you want to do then you do it and THEN you talk to your son about it if he asks.
If you don't actually do it then you do not talk to him about it.
Because just airing this to him puts a burden on him and he's a child. How can he manage to live there like nothing is going on after you've told him that?? He can't.
You make the decision and you end the relationship abd then if your son wants to know how you felt, then you tell him in time.
But under no circumstances do you tell him before hand. And also you don't even bring it up afterwards unless he actually asks.
No matter how insightful he may seem to you he's a child. And he's yours and your partners child at that.. it will have a big impact on him.
I think you are right and that it would be better for him to see you choose happiness rather than day to day depression just because you are scared to make a change. But it's not a decision to discuss with him it's one you need to be brave and make yourself.

I agree with this, but think the most important point to recognize is that you're being confronted with the fact that you’re living a lie that’s so obvious that your teen can likely tell.

That should be a cue to you that your teen is having very poor values modeled to him, and if you want to model good values, you need to urgently make changes that will get you back into a state of integrity.

I mean, how do you have conversations with your son about healthy relationships or good sexual relationships when you clearly don’t love his father?

My mum told me almost exactly that when I was already in my 30s and I still think it was inappropriate. Especially considering she refuses to do anything about it.

If you want to leave your husband, tell your husband that and then do it. Tell your son about it when it's actually happening (but not the details about your feelings).

OP I echo everyone on here that says please please don't do this.

I would also like to say congratulations on having what is clearly a lovely and beautiful relationship with your son.

Good luck with everything.

Just say ‘it’s complicated being an adult but yes I’m happy being your mum’ or something similar. But I agree with PPs why not just end the relationship if you’re that unhappy? Then once you’ve decided you can talk to your son about it. It’s not fair to lay the burden on him beforehand.

God no you don't say that to your child . I'm sure he is aware of it he sounds very intelligent and children much younger than him would be aware if parents aren't happy but you don't lay that on them. I remember ring very aware at 13 of my best friends parents and knowing that the dad only stick around because of the kids he was an amazing father her mother on the other hand not so much I'm sure her dad felt he had to stay so they had one good parent but honestly I've never understood the staying together for the sake of the kids I honestly think it does more damage than good as I said kids aren't stupid

It doesn't sound like he is asking specifically if you are happy with his dad? Just generally in life?
Of course you don't start prattling on about your adult relationship to your 16 year old child.

Just say that you have happy moments, but that being an adult can be hard sometimes too

I don’t think you should necessarily lie about being happy. I would talk about how adult life has it’s ups and downs and that things are not always plain sailing. You could also talk about choices, every choice you make means you left other options unexplored (from a philosophical perspective not from a personal perspective). These conversations are about him, he’s on the threshold of adulthood and doesn’t know what to do.

Me and my siblings were way too involved in my parents relationship, it’s not good.

Do not your discuss your relationship with your partner with your son.

Remember the difference between you - easy to forget in late night chats - but he is your child and you are his parent.

This conversation with him could potentially be appropriate many years in the future when he is in his 30s/40s with his own family. Not now.

You sound like you really need to talk to someone about your feelings.

This, and remember you can make the move instead and leave the home, as pp if you're This unhappy be proactive, don't expect then have the hang a about hoping he moves out, or the uncomfortable time when he won't agree to, you find your own place is first step!

He isn't your therapist and far too young to have at real life perspective on relationships.

What would be the point of telling him this if you are just going to remain with his dad. What happens if he tells his dad? Why are you even still in the relationship if it's that bad, lead by example and leave and then when the deed is done you could possibly have a conversation about it.

Please get counselling.

It's really sad that you are even considering talking to your son about this.

And do bear in mind that telling your son that you aware your relationship isn't healthy doesn't absolve you from bringing him up in a dysfunctional family.

Find another outlet for talking about your relationship. Better still, do something about it.

Your son’s questions sound quite typical for a boy of that age. I’d talk in the abstract about what gives life meaning, what happiness means in the context of a finite life etc- I wouldn’t interpret the questions to be about your relationship at all. Your son might enjoy a book like The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus- great stuff for a teen with existential questions.

I agree with others. My mum complained about my dad a lot when they broke up (and before that). I was older than your son, but I still found it quite upsetting.
Also remember that your partner is not some random bloke to your child. He’s their dad, and they have their own relationship.
It’s awful to feel like you’re expected to be critical of your parent, because they’re a less than perfect spouse.

End your marriage. Be happy.

Show, don’t tell.

And in answer to your question, no, he is not inviting you to confide in him

He's probably noticed that it's shit and wondering if that's what marriage is like. If his home life is really bad he's probably feeling depressed and anxious, rather than being "philosophical".

Firstly, I think that deep conversations with teenagers are fine, but remember that you need to be largely in control of this. You are able to steer the conversation to gently nudge him towards an awareness of the good and joyful aspects of life, whilst at the same time acknowledging his concerns. Sinking together in morbid conversation is no help to him. He needs some balance.

This sounds fairly normal for teenagers, who start to question what the future holds and what the point of life is. You can sink into his pit and drag him further down, or seek to help him over this patch in his life.

The problem here is that it sounds as though the tenor of the conversation is feeding into how you are feeling at present, which is a dangerous scenario. He needs some objective balance in the discussion to help him move on. Circular wallowing is no help at all. Letting him go round and round with conversations in the same mood will not help. Please be careful that you are not unconsciously feeding this.

It is satisfying something in you to have these discussions with him - which I presume you cannot have with anyone else. Please never forget that it is young men who lead the suicide statistics.

If he asks if you are happy, what to say? Do not under any circumstances talk of your relationship unhappiness, unless he asks specifically about this. Do not lead the conversation in that direction in your answers. Say that sometimes you are happy and sometimes less so, and that this is normal. Tell him that we can make our own happiness when things seem to be going the wrong way. Help him to see that our happiness often depends on the choices we make and help to steer him in the direction of wise choices. Bolster his confidence in himself that he can do this.

If he asks specifically about your relationship, say that it has been better in the past and that there are rough patches to be weathered. But that this is a normal part of relationships and changing needs as time passes. Do not apportion blame and leave him feeling he has to take sides. Do not give specifics - keep it honest but general. Do not feed him a level of dissatisfaction that your partner is not already aware of.

Does he talk with your partner too? Or have you two become a little enclave within the family? That is a danger too - he needs his Dad.

You have a lot of thinking to do about how you handle this scenario - mostly around being sure you do not slip into the trap of using your son for your support - that must come from somewhere else.