I wanted to update on the “shall I dump him by text post”

[ForOliveShaker]

I did it!!!!! I posted about whether I should or shouldn’t. I contemplated it and went back and fourth. He cancelled on me 12 times and I was always so patient and kind. He pushed me so much for sex and always said “the chemistry is so there” “we need to sort it soon” “it needs to be something we try”. In the end I went with

“Hi this isn’t working. We’re looking for different things. All the best!”
Him: “hey I understand sorry it didn’t work out, all the same to you”

But this just didn’t sit right with me. My peace didn’t feel protected. So after his reply I said

“Tbh it’s you. You’re so flakey, probably married or with someone and pushed too hard for sex. You’re the problem”
I then said “oh and the sex was absolutely awful, and you desperately begged for it. You’re fucking pathetic. Now I’m done. Good riddance”

Guys. I know I was stupid for doing it. And no of course he didn’t reply. But god it felt good. Yes I’m a pretty pathetic excuse of a woman for doing it too.

I was pathetic. I full well know. But for me, what he did to me was push me into sex. Yes consensually but no matter how many times I said it can wait we’d circle back to the convo about sex. I always handled him with grace when he’d make excuses. And yes I should have known better. But I didn’t. But now I do and I need to lean faster next time.

You could have updated the original thread?

MN is no substitute for therapy. Not aimed at you per se OP but there seem to be so many people posting (often numerous threads about the same thing) that could do with some real life intervention.

It was on the hour sometimes. So I would be fully ready and he’d call and cancel. Or he would even do it hours later. So we’d agree the day and he’d just…..bail

My therapist has been around don’t worry. I’ve seen her.

But you said you'd dumped him last Sunday too then started another thread. Can we look forward to another identical thread in a few days?

I know. I backed out that time. This time I promise. It’s done.

Nope, you definitely said you'd done it. At this point it's just attention seeking bullshit. Posters come on these threads in genuine faith to offer advice but it's just a waste of time. Maybe you need a different therapist because you need help if you are posting 3 threads about the same situation despite updates to say you'd solved the situation.

But for me, what he did to me was push me into sex.

TBH your shitty boundaries and doormat behaviour are just as much to blame here as his flakiness and pushiness.

If you tolerated a canceled date 12 times while acting nice about it, he probably thought you were super easy-going and chill. And if you agreed to sex then he presumably believed you wanted it.

Your second response was vicious and unnecessary and says just as many unpleasant things about you as it does about him.

Well I lied🤷‍♀️

Well done! A little bit of petty is sometimes needed to reinforce the action, you’ll know better next time

onwards!

Thank you! At first, I wanted to be nice about it and at least amicable. But I just couldn’t find it in me. All the excitement I’d feel before a date when I’d be ready and waiting with my hair and makeup done, then he’d call and cancel. I remember how it I felt. He deserved this

See, cancelling is fine. But when you keep doing it. And someone tells you it’s not okay. Which I did. You’re clearly not listening. He wants someone who he can pick and drop. That’s not dating. That’s just being a player. Yeah it was vicious and nasty. But so was cancelling on the hour or hour later when I’d rush home from work and do my hair and makeup and be ready. It wasn’t 12 consecutive it was 12 overall between dates. Most people would stop after 2 occasions. Plus he ignored me over a 10 day holiday and when he came back said “hey hope you’re okay. All I’ve done is think about fucking you”

VILE specimen of a man.

I don’t mean this in a harsh way, I mean it in a ‘learning never stops’ way, but why did you get to the point where he was cancelling so much, and so late in the day? That is worth a conversation.

Well, whatever the truth, no one should ever waste their time with someone who canceled on them 12 times. The imaginary 2nd text should stay just that.

I did try and say I didn’t appreciate it. But then he’d leave it and leave it for ages to make plans again. And it just felt like he wasn’t into it anyway. Or just that he was hiding something.

I once spoke about the same man chatting to me on sites, different times and different sites. I expected a bunch of ‘yeah! Men are shit!’ comments. But someone said ‘well you are the one interacting with him, why are you doing that’ and I spent a long time thinking about that before I realised that yes, they were (humiliatingly) correct.

Agreed. I’m just as stupid for entertaining him! I know I could’ve gone silent. But that just didn’t feel enough or right

See, cancelling is fine. But when you keep doing it. And someone tells you it’s not okay. Which I did. You’re clearly not listening.

No, you’re clearly not learning. This is what I mean by shitty boundaries. If someone has done something a couple of times and you’ve had a clear conversation about how it’s a problem for you and they keep doing it, it’s just part of their personality. If you keep accepting it, you’re just as much the problem as they are.

Most people would stop after 2 occasions.

Yes. They would. And you didn’t. So frankly you have nobody to blame for the fact that you kept receiving treatment you didn’t like except yourself.

Cross posted with my next comment.

So, work on why you interacted after a 2 week gap.

Work out why the fact he didn’t seem into it didn’t put you off.

Work out why he left it for ages before making plans but you still went along with them.

Work out why you tried to say you didn’t appreciate it but instead didn’t say ‘it’s not working’.

And I’m really sorry for sounding American and cringey but this is where your growth can happen. (I’m literally cringing having typed out the word ‘growth’).

I’m learning from it. I promise☺️

Well you’re not stupid. It doesn’t occur to most people that some people behave like this. But take this situation and learn something from it. And doing it here on mumsnet means other people can read and learn something too.

You’re performing a public service and really should be able to get a civil service pension for all the work 😄.

AS SHOULD I, HINT HINT WHOEVER DOES PENSIONS

Plus he ignored me over a 10 day holiday and when he came back said “hey hope you’re okay. All I’ve done is think about fucking you”

And was your response, “If you were hoping to get laid now you’re back, perhaps you could have made the effort to check in with me in the last two weeks. Is there no mobile coverage in Spain?” Or “I think you’ve mistaken me for a booty call rather than a girlfriend”.

Or even no response other than ‘this isn’t working’. Dignity is something to cherish.

Dignity is absolutely something to cherish. And I’ve shown him nothing but kindness and fairness to all of his bs excuses. This one, was warranted. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Sometimes it needs to be made clear, when they really are fucking pathetic.

I wish I did. But I’m still happy I said what I did. I jumped with excitement straight after.