Seeing someone in funeral home after 12 plus days

[IncessantNameChanger]

Not me but a relative has been given this option. I think this will be an extremely bad idea, it's been too long.

I lost my 22 year old son in an accident in 2022 and it happened while he was in London at his aunties wedding (we live in the north west) and it happened the week of the queens jubilee so it took about 2 weeks of faffing about trying to get his body home. The funeral director went down to collect him and bring him home and he said that if we wanted to see him he would advise that we did it sooner rather than later (we obviously went to London to be with him when the accident happened but had to leave him there) anyway it was 16 days after he had died and he hadn't been embalmed or anything and we went to see him and it was only his head on show because the funeral director had said that he had tried to stop some of the inevitable leakage but he couldn't and he had dressed him in his favourite suit but covered him up with some sort of frilly thing so we couldn't see any of the leakage but his face was pretty normal to look at so I'm thankful we got to spend that last hour with him. The funeral director did say that some people will deteriorate faster than others so we were happy to go along with what he recommended based on what he saw so I think that would be the best way to go about it tbh. I'm sorry if this is a rambling mess lol I'm insanely tired but I wanted to tell you my experience in a similar situation x

I've been through this recently with my lovely Dad, and I would say 100% bad idea. Sometimes when I shut my eyes at night it's the only image I can see. If I could undo it I would x

I'm going to say from another perspective it can give a sense of reality / closure to an unexpected death. My DM died in an accident and I saw her body twice - once a few days after it happened and once after her body was repatriated to the UK. It was her body but she wasn't there - it was horribly real & one of the worst and most lonely experiences of my life but I don't regret it. It was the only chance to say goodbye. And I didn't want her to feel abandoned, strange as that may sound. They'd made her look nice but with more makeup than she'd ever have worn in life. I remember her in life as well as in death - it's not the only image I have. I didn't see my father as I had a chance to say goodbye to him while he was still alive a few days before he passed. I knew it was coming. I didn't feel like I needed to see his body after.

I went after 13days to funeral home to see my family member she had been embalmed and even with the make up you could see the colour change she looked completely different I felt like I didn't know her I wouldn't recommend it, but then at the time I was told not togo but needed to see her so it really is personal choice.

My eldest sibling wanted me to go and see my dad's body.
I didn't and don't regret it.

When a relative died I saw them ten days later. They were embalmed and looked fine. The funeral home had done a good job preparing them. I'd check with the funeral director how things are looking and decide from there. I don't think people ever look the same when they are deceased. In my case it was a close relative and while I knew it was them, it didn't really feel like it was them. It was important for me to see them but I know others who have made a different decision and they don't regret not seeing their family member.

I've had this too & as someone upthread said it's a massive deal here in Ireland, I'm just not good with dead bodies no matter who they are or how soon the viewing

It's such a personal choice but yes go with what the funeral director suggests

@Ihopeithinkiknow I am so sorry. I just cant compute how you deal with something like that. Massive hugs to you.

Unfortunately it's a very young relative for us too. It's hideous. So much denial and pain and disbelief. People can't think straight.

I have made my mind up to contact my relative first thing to phone the funeral directors directly themselves and ask the blunt questions.

I found sitting with my mums coffin and talking to her was fine without seeing her. I'm not religious but I wanted her to not be alone. I was asking the funeral director about mum and he told me they can't stop time whatever they do. I did see my dad in an open coffin, and I will never regret it. This just feels very different. None of it feels real.

Open caskets were common in my family and while it’s obviously not pleasant viewing a dead person I think it helps me personally with getting my head around their dying. Even if the funeral director has done a brilliant job you can see that the person that was once in there is no longer. It’s hard to explain but I remember seeing my beloved grandad and thinking ‘well that’s not grandad anymore’.

It’s an incredibly personal decision and there’s no right or wrong answer.

I saw my friend nearly 3 weeks after her death and it was fine. She didn't look much different than in life somehow- she was still plumpish from the steroid medication. She just wasn't there anymore - a very strange experience but she was only 43 so maybe an aging relative may be slightly different.

Ireland which is typically 3-5 days
Have seen some family members and they looked themselves just gone
Saw a very close family member and looked like different person/ zombie
Also recommended talking to undertaker

I asked my aunt to check in with funeral director but they said if the nok said its OK then it's OK they don't need to check. I hope for their sake they have been embalmed. I regret suggesting they phone the funeral home now, but they asked for my opinion.

It's been a hard time to navigate. I should stick to listening and agreeing.

The funeral director probably means if nok said its OK to visit then your relative can, I think they mean ig not has given permission not if the deceased is OK to see,

I think it might be too long. My relative went to visit another relative twice, once at 3 days and once at 7 days and he said there was a distinct difference at 7 days and he was upset the second time.

I didn’t get the chance to see my dad due to him dying of Covid in 2020. However, I don’t regret it.
I know for some people seeing their deceased love one can bring them peace and closure.
Nevertheless, I’ve seen plenty of people who have passed away due to my job (recently deceased and those who have been left for some time). They never quite look the same after passing due to muscles the muscles in the face relaxing. They will look white due to the lack of blood flow. It will never be for me when it comes to an adult family member’s death, though I do think the death of a child, even an adult child, can be different.

It’s a deeply personal situation/decision where ultimately the outcome of viewing or not viewing won’t be known until afterwards.

I'm so sorry about your son 😔 💐

That's a good point regarding asking the funeral directors opinion on whether it's ok to view the body. My lovely dad when he knew his cancer was terminal,visited the funeral directors and spoke to him about his coffin,what he wanted regarding his funeral. So they got to know my dad. I'm guessing this is quite unusual though.

I think it depends on what your relative wants out of seeing the person. I saw my dad in hospital the day after he died and then again at the funeral directors 16 days later. He wasn’t embalmed or anything.

He looked totally like him at the hospital and peaceful which I found comforting. It felt he was peaceful in death. At the funeral directors he looked well cared for and not like himself anymore. I also found this comforting as it felt like they had looked after him in death but also like he had gone. This helped at the funeral the next day as I didn’t feel like I was leaving him, he was already gone.

I viewed my mum five and a half weeks after death. She had been dressed beautifully, had her make-up applied and actually looked better than just after her death (from sepsis) when nothing had been done to make her look reasonably presentable.

I would get your relative to talk to the funeral home to get advice, definitely, and I guess you need to decide how your last memory is going to be of your loved one.

I'm always amazed by how long it takes to bury someone in the UK. I'm partly from a Mediterranean country and we try to have the funeral within a day or so.

My father was in an open casket as were all the people I've attended funerals for over there. He looked OK, not really him any more but almost like a waxwork of him.

I can't imagine seeing him weeks after he had died.

Depends if they have been embalmed.

I saw my dad after about 3 weeks, he was embalmed and he looked ok. I went to see him because I couldn’t bear the thought of him going off alone if that makes sense. I’m glad I went. I’m from an Irish family so used to seeing dead people though!

My mum went to se my sister about 7 days after. She died abroad and was flown home. My mum said she looked so beautiful and peaceful like an angel. It helped to give her closure.

I went to view my husband 3 times after his death. The last was after the PM and I think that by then it was clear the body was deteriorating. I don't know if the PM worsened the condition, but I think I should not have gone that last time. For info, the PM had to be delayed so there were about 14 days between his death and the PM.

It's a really personal thing. My DH and DC went to see their dad / grandad just over three weeks after he died. They were all glad that they went. My MIL, BIL and other DC chose not to go - also at peace with their decision afaik.

My friend saw her sister a few times over the 12?days between her passing away and the day before her funeral. She said she regretted going to see her on day 12 because of some changes to her face but she said she would have also regretted not going.