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Anyone else lose interest in socialising/big groups etc around age 50?

75 replies

CountryGirl5 · 09/07/2024 19:06

I've just turned 50 and I've always been really happy in my own company and a fairly quiet life. I'm single but have family and friends who I do see regularly (but not too regularly!), a hobby I love and am a bookworm. I'm finding lately I'm just drained when I spend too much time with others, having to make small talk, chitchat about nothing, and I'm thinking I'd rather be at home with my book. I'm okay meeting one or two close friends, but finding it difficult with big gatherings or parties. So much effort when I'd rather not be there.

Please tell me I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Summertimer · 10/07/2024 11:19

I like a good quiz or a party but have never liked the idea of group activities most weekends. A close friend, single and recently lost both her elderly parents, has become part of a group who do quizzes and 80s nights and murder mysteries. The odd thing is, though, she won’t drive anywhere other than locally or go on a train on her own.

I’m part of her other group of friends who meet for lunches and dinners regularly. One of the group lives further away and is waiting for a knee op. Most of us will save her legs and her bank balance and go and visit.

I think limiting horizons is a very personal thing. It can be about not liking groups or not liking certain activities or not feeling empowered to do certain things. My DH is not one for lads/mens meet ups, family activities or going to events is different. I don’t think that’s anti social, but I do think as one gets older one doesn’t feel the need to go to stuff out of duty.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 10/07/2024 11:28

I am an introvert by nature. But at 52, I have created my own private Skelling Michael. I have embraced Monk Mode with unapologetic joy! Two fingers up. I'm loving it.

I think the menopause years are indeed very tiring. While your body is going into or already in reverse puberty (with all the fun and games), Big Life Shit tends to occur around this stage as well. And let's be honest; we're fucking tired. We've been working a long time, raising kids a long time, living life and dealing with all its ups and downs for a long time. Life, when you stand there and look at it from the perch of 50, feels kinda like a bit of a slog (not saying the party's over or anything remotely like that). But there's definitely a midlife fatigue, a realisation of how long you've been doing this shtick non-stop. And husbands become total pains at this stage (some are lovely, many are assholes at this stage and it's exhausting).
I think dealing with other people's expectations is just too big an ask during the menopause years. I think the menopause years are not a shut down but an awakening to our own needs, finally, for once in our lives! Real needs, not the superficial stuff.

I like this line from one of DD's favourite songs:
Sorry I didn't save the world, my friend
I was too busy buildin' mine again

And I think that sums up this stage. You're kind of reconfiguring your world, your life, your needs. It's YOU time. Be unapologetic about claiming it! Many of us (not all, but many) have spent most of our lives, as females, kowtowing to others' expectations and demands; employers, colleagues, partners, parents, etc, while raising kids, earning, cooking, cleaning, 'having it all' <insert hollow laugh here>.
Monk Mode, activated.
I hear we get all social and energetic again around 60. I'll get myself down to the Bingo Hall then. But for now... all quiet on the Menopausal Front.

Iloveshihtzus · 10/07/2024 11:33

doggolove · 10/07/2024 10:14

I think you're less likely to go along with things you don't actively enjoy as you get older.
I'm in my fifties and realised a few years ago that I'd spent literally decades doing things I disliked with people I wasn't keen on.
I'm far more selective with my time now because there's less time left to me.

Yes this is me. I’ve finally realised I can say no and nobody cares (they never did, I just felt I had to be nice) and I also know that my time left on earth is too precious to spend trying to make small talk at parties.

Threewheeler1 · 10/07/2024 11:33

Not alone OP, definitely not!
There aren't enough hours in the day for all the things I enjoy doing - things that don't involve anyone else and put my head in a good space😁
I think self-sufficiency is a positive thing when it comes to entertaining yourself.
Also a complete introvert and feel like I've waited my whole life to be able to say 'no'!
I have a huge family, not always very harmonious (they're always bickering!), and did so much enforced socialising when I was younger that I'm allergic to it now.

Chypre · 10/07/2024 11:35

I'm 34 and Im with you on this one. I don't want to have "a laugh" or "a ball", or even "good time". I want to have a CONVERSATION, which I find only possible with 2 or maximum 3 participants at a time.

Cattery · 10/07/2024 11:35

henlake7 · 09/07/2024 19:10

Hard to say....Ive always been antisocial.

I think you lose your tolerance for bullshit after 50 though, so maybe that has an effect?

Yep this. I’m much more discerning now. Intolerant of people talking rubbish and telling lies. I’m happy being left alone and just seeing who I choose to see

RaraRachael · 10/07/2024 11:36

I'm definitely happy spending time on my own when OH is at work - reading and pottering around the house or lazing on the couch with the cat.

If I'm meeting up for coffee or lunch I prefer that to be with one person. I invited someone I used to work with out for lunch and she suggested we also invited another ex colleague. She totally took over the conversation and kept going on about stuff that had recently happened at work (she had just retired) with people neither of us knew.
Now I'm worried it's going to be like this every time and I'm wondering how I can tactfully say to original friend that I'd like it to be just the two of us.

hattie43 · 10/07/2024 11:38

I'm late 50's with a busy social life but am very selective about what I do and who with . As an example last Dec I went out every single night for the two weeks before Christmas and I was exhausted come the day . This year I'm reining it in .
I have a very small family so I need to socialise or I could become very isolated later on .

Winterjoy · 10/07/2024 11:47

Yeah as I get older I realise more and more how finite life is and that I don't want to spend even one minute on innane 'chit chat'. Doesn't help that time seems to be flying by faster than ever! When I'm making small talk all I can think is 'this time is gone and I'm never getting it back', and then internally feel irritated about the whole premise.

Obviously I still do it where necessary (work etc) but it's feels more of a chore than ever now.

SkylarkDay · 10/07/2024 12:10

fiskal · 10/07/2024 11:15

Yes this is me. And I agree with pp who say it's liberating. So much of my young life was about enforced socialising. It's wonderful not to do that now. I have myself, my family, a small number of close friends and some interesting acquaintances and work colleagues. Absolutely more than enough.

Same here! I’m an introvert, very content and proud of it. I had years when I was younger going to things because I felt I should and being unhappy. I’m also noise sensitive and don’t enjoy crowds, I would prefer quality friends over quantity. My mother who is a narcissist and has to be centre of attention at everything use to mock me through my childhood and early adulthood for not wanting to be like her. I love being my age now, I’ve accepted who I am, grown into my own skin and only do what I want. Also dumped the toxic mother!

3luckystars · 10/07/2024 12:15

I’m heading this way I think. I love threads like this because it makes me feel ok about it.

Crushed23 · 10/07/2024 12:22

MissAmbrosia · 10/07/2024 10:18

I don't like massive gatherings - much prefer spending time with 1 or 2 friends at a time. I don't like loud noise and seem to have become more intolerant of it as I've got older.

This.

It’s not just the noise though. It’s the complete and utter shite people talk when they’re in big groups.

I find people open up when it’s 1-1 or a much smaller group, making it easier to have interesting, deep and meaningful conversations.

usernother · 10/07/2024 12:30

No. I'm in my 60's with quite a few friendship groups and I still enjoy getting dressed up going out to bars and restaurants with them. We have great laughs. The only difference is we go out early and come home early now. Maybe I still enjoy it because I really like all of my friends.

longdistanceclaraclara · 10/07/2024 12:49

No, I'm 45 and already over it!

whereaw · 10/07/2024 12:52

I did at 25 Grin

DancingLions · 10/07/2024 13:30

I'm happy to do the occasional thing, but I find it uses a lot of mental energy nowadays and so I have to decide if something is worth that. Most times it's not any more.

I don't worry about being lonely in old age. If I feel like that when I get there, there's so many things you can join to meet people. I'm in London and not planning on leaving so there's loads out there I could do. I'm actually quite chatty and friendly, despite being introverted, so I don't think I would have a problem making friends if I wanted to.

I'm enjoying spending time with myself, focusing on me and doing only the things I want to do. The interactions I do have are enough for me. I'm not looking for more.

SkylarkDay · 10/07/2024 16:59

As others have noted, cafe/bars/restaurants have become so much noisier in recent years, especially with very loud music. I seriously struggle with this especially as I have a damaged vocal cord from thyroid surgery. I researched why and apparently restaurants/cafes/bars do this to make a higher turnover of customers. For me, this has seriously affected my enjoyment of eating out etc, firstly I can’t speak/hear my dining partner, secondly the noise drives me insane!! Even some shops do it now. It’s really not great for people with hearing difficulties, autism, hypersensitivity or speech issues like myself.

lalaloopyhead · 10/07/2024 17:04

Absolutely, it just feels like hard work. I have become more intolerant, and while I was previously happy to go along with the crowd I now don't like to do anything that is 100% what I want to do
I have a couple of close friends and I actually prefer to see them separately now where possible, it just feels easier and more low key.

thecatsthecats · 10/07/2024 17:09

Crushed23 · 10/07/2024 12:22

This.

It’s not just the noise though. It’s the complete and utter shite people talk when they’re in big groups.

I find people open up when it’s 1-1 or a much smaller group, making it easier to have interesting, deep and meaningful conversations.

Agree. A get together of two or four friends for a half day is ideal, because you can splinter off into separate pairs and get in depth. Any more and you end up with too many for a proper conversation, and I have always hated small talk.

Jennyathemall · 10/07/2024 17:12

More like 40

Theyearwas1973 · 10/07/2024 17:24

I’ve always been told by people that I’m antisocial but I always did my bit when I was younger, pushed myself through my comfort zone even though, as an introvert it was difficult but since I hit perimenopause (I’m 51 now) I don’t give a shit.

I am embracing who I really am which is someone who is happy to talk & chat with people that n a one to one situation and to go out occasionally with well chosen friends but in all honesty I’d rather be at home, pottering round a garden centre on my own or wandering through a field with the dog and dh. This is who I am and who I am supposed to be. I’m no longer moulding myself to try to be someone super sociable (whilst feeling very uncomfortable about it) because society tells me those who prefer peace and quiet are going to end up lonely and demented, well pushing myself to be extra sociable has a bad effect on my mental health too so I’ll take the former and feel comfortable in my own skin thank you.

I’ll do me and they can do them!

kerstina · 10/07/2024 18:13

Absolutely always been an introvert but finding socialising harder than ever bar a few close people. Would happily be a hermit I think menopause hasn’t helped. On the plus side I have discovered the most pretty little seaside place as lovely as Cornwall but without the crowds. I want to move here!

Beezknees · 10/07/2024 18:15

I don't think you're alone, there are threads on here every week saying the same thing!

HotPipe · 10/07/2024 19:28

Yes! Yes! Yes! You are me, OP. Except I have always found socialising draining even as a youngster. I don't enjoy parties or events but will go along because it is expected of me and I will talk to people, but it tires me out and I then long to go home. The small talk bores me. I know it is me and I will never change.

My SIL is my opposite. She is early 50s and craves company. She would have me around her house with her big gang of mates, all night every night. She loves socialising and finds sitting around alone draining. It's taken a long time but she has learned that I am not the same, but I still have to bat away requests to nights outs from her.

RaraRachael · 10/07/2024 19:38

I know it isn't so much the case now, but when I was younger I was criticised for being introverted, not gregarious or enjoying socialising. Nobody ever criticised extroverts and told them they were too chatty etc

I'm friendly with a neighbour who is friends with another one. This woman is very loud and crudely spoken and always has to be the centre of attention. Now my original neighbour has suggested that this woman joins us for walks or coffee but I couldn't stand to be in her company for more than 2 minutes. Trying to work out how to decline politely.