Delayed Argument - What did I do wrong ?

[Tickytocky]

My mother wanted to go out Saturday- I agreed.
She picked the place - I agreed
She turned up late to my house with a friend in tow - I didn’t agree but made a big fuss of friend and no fuss of the fact we got to destination as most people were leaving. We had less than an hour before place shut (garden centre).
She wanted to do something after - I said ‘no thanks I’m not doing that’ (needed to pick up child, run errands, etc).
We all left on good terms.

I realised last night that I hadn’t heard from her since so phoned her - she didn’t pick up or call back hmmm strange I thought.
Called her again today - definitely short with me but agreed I’d call at hers today.
Called in with cakes - definite atmosphere! Asked her what’s wrong - nothing.
THEN it came - apparently I’d embarrassed her in front of her friend by saying ‘no thanks I’m not doing that’ - massively embarrassed and very upset.

What did I do wrong ?

Did you literally just say I’m not doing that or did you qualify it by saying you don’t have time/have a child to pick up etc?

Ignore her. She'll soon be phoning again next time she needs you to drive her and her mate somewhere.

I can’t even remember how I said it to be honest it was such a non issue at the time.

If it was rude - why not just say ‘that was rude’ - or wait until the friend had gone home and phone up and say how upset she was. Why blank me, ignore my phone call, insist everything is fine, then go for it ?

To add - she has got form for drama and takes offence easily, which is my I generally just agree with her for a quiet life.
Im genuinely not sure what I did wrong with this one ☹️

I agree, sulking is childish. She should have raised it with you properly. It just seemed like an odd way of expressing it though - I’m not doing that

So you're effectively her driver, and she's annoyed because you wouldn't take them somewhere else? 🤔
I'd be giving her a taxi number next time, she needs to get real.

I was waiting on phone call to collect DD from town 25 mins away - she wanted to drive to town and sit in the car and wait for phone call.
It could have been ages hence ‘no I’m not doing that’.

You haven't done anything. You agree to everything for a quiet life, so she thinks she can treat you how she wants

Start saying no more often. Squash that panicky FOG thing you've got going on as well. She was rude for turning up late with an uninvited friend in the first place. She wanted the day on her terms and didn't care you had obligations. She's in the wrong. Let her stew and get in touch when she's ready. Do not apologise.

I would have told her that she was late so you had less time left before picking up the kids so next time she should be in time if she wants to do various things.

I think it depends how you said it. If you were just 'No, I'm not doing that' it might come across as rude. If you explained, e.g. sorry have to pick up DC then she really overreacted.

Definitely depends on how you said it

'No I'm not doing that' a bit rude
'Sorry I can't as I need to pick up dd' - absolutely fine

She was rude for being late and bringing a friend uninvited!
You might want to point that out to her, and that if she'd been on time you could probably have gone...

(Unless she's one for holding a massive grudge - then just leave her sulking!)

Yeh I see what you mean. Surprised she didn’t say something at the time, or at least give me one of her looks 🙈
I dont understand going into a sulk with no explanation, and then denying any issue several times when asked.
How am I meant to give an explanation when I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong ?

And no, you don’t see me going into any sulk when she tips up hours late on my only day off, with a friend in tow who she’s obviously spent most of the day with 🤷‍♀️

She was very rude to turn up late with uninvited friend- was there even any apology for her latecoming?
It sounds like there must have been some explanation as to why you couldn’t go on to the other place, hence the discussion about not wanting to sit and wait in the car. So yanbu. Don’t give it another thought, not chase or pander to her, she was out of order

Tell her sulking is very childish and she was rude turning up late and you didn't sulk! Honestly, I couldn't be bothered with the pettiness, I'd be very low contact if my mum behaved like this 🙁

It was the way you said it that was rude. It was very blunt with no explanation. Raise with her the other things she did before that, as clearly you were irked, so maybe why you responded like that. Maybe you’re both not great communicators.

Why not? Why don't you pull her up on her bad behaviour.

And yes, I know the answer is that she'll act up even more. So let her, and ignore her. She's not important. Her opinions of you aren't important. She's just a woman, being your mother doesn't bestow her with any special powers.

You don't need to pander to her.

You know you did nothing wrong, you say your mother has form for being a drama queen and taking offence so you just doing the thing that works for you was the trigger in this instance.

With people like this there is nothing you can do, they take offence at the slightest thing and give no thought to you at all but you must know this really as she must always be like this.

I’d guess that was has changed somehow is you and you have got to the point where you don’t want to treated like this anymore. There is no point on dwelling on this specific thing, she won’t apologise, just move on and try to stop pandering to her.

Your mother is acting like a petulant child. Giving someone the silent treatment is a major red flag.

What you did wrong - if anything - it trying to appease her. She was messing you about and wants you to be the bad guy.

Sod that.

Nest time, and there will be a next time, don't play her game. It's her silence so it's up to her to break it. Then enjoy the peace and quiet.

I said ‘no thanks I’m not doing that'

That is quite blunt and some people might take it as a negative reaction the the actual activity raised. Though if it were eg. sky diving people would be more understanding. If it's eg going to an art gallery then it would be more liking to come across that you think the activity is rubbish.

However it's not really embarrassing. More just a bit blunt. You had a reason not to do it, so you could have just said you had to leave to do school pick up.

None of this really explains why your mum is still upset days later though.

However you declined her request would have been met with The Silent Treatment/Sulk.

Maybe you could have worded it differently but I think the issue is more about her not getting her own way than what you said.

Don't hold back! Call the CF out

Let's have a quick chat about all the ways you were rude that day and vvmeasure the two.
How about we both forget that bit of ridiculousness you pulled over the last few days and start acting like grownups.

It's very blunt to say to someone no thanks I'm not doing that, it's not something I would say to anyone let alone my mum it's more usual to say I can't I have to pick up the children but I am not a blunt person and wouldn't say that to anyone let alone my mum however everyone is different and this is maybe how you communicate.

If your mum is the type of person to be offended regardless of what you said and how you said it then it doesn't matter what you said.

And no, you don’t see me going into any sulk when she tips up hours late on my only day off, with a friend in tow who she’s obviously spent most of the day with

Perhaps you should?

Well, not sulk but send her back home as it's too late now/yu thought she wasn't coming so now have other plans?

Does she regularly treat you as an afterthought but still gets her desired outcome?

Do less for her and she might be a bit more grateful.

The only one who's rude is your mother. She sounds insufferable. I'd be taking a massive step back.