Delayed Argument - What did I do wrong ?

[Tickytocky]

My mother wanted to go out Saturday- I agreed.
She picked the place - I agreed
She turned up late to my house with a friend in tow - I didn’t agree but made a big fuss of friend and no fuss of the fact we got to destination as most people were leaving. We had less than an hour before place shut (garden centre).
She wanted to do something after - I said ‘no thanks I’m not doing that’ (needed to pick up child, run errands, etc).
We all left on good terms.

I realised last night that I hadn’t heard from her since so phoned her - she didn’t pick up or call back hmmm strange I thought.
Called her again today - definitely short with me but agreed I’d call at hers today.
Called in with cakes - definite atmosphere! Asked her what’s wrong - nothing.
THEN it came - apparently I’d embarrassed her in front of her friend by saying ‘no thanks I’m not doing that’ - massively embarrassed and very upset.

What did I do wrong ?

Your mum is a twat. Whether you sounded rude or not - you were perfectly entitled to be, after she spoilt the day with no acknowledgement of her lateness / bringing uninvited friend / expecting you to run round after her.

How is ‘no thanks I’m not doing that’ - massively embarrassed and upsetting?

Is it because your mother had you pegged to be the taxi driver for the rest of the day? I suspect that she had another thing she wanted to do with her friend. She was embarrassed when you said that you weren’t available. She sounds very selfish and childish to me.

The only thing you have done wrong is give your mother and her pique so much headspace. Try letting her stew in her own juice rather than rushing round with cakes.

So, she's the Incredible Sulk? Let her stew and when she wants you to meet up again/ferry her about, lay down the ground rules, 'OK but I have to leave by X o'clock to pick up DD so please be aware of that. I simply cannot leave any later so if you want to go on to do something else, I won't be able to join you ferry you and your mate about here there and everywhere.'

Of course, that's if you want to meet up with her!

'If you want yo do something after the planned event, then turning up on time would have been a good start.'

Your mother has taught you to always put her first and if you don't she will punish you by withholding her approval and love. This is abusive behavior. You are always worried about her feelings and have learned that yours don't matter. This is so wrong! You do matter and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Read up about growing up with emotionally abusive parents. Learn to love and respect yourself and to teach others to respect you. Your mother does not .

Sounds like I’ve got the same mum 🤦🏻‍♀️🥴😅 Personally I think she’s making a point for no reason because she is in fact annoyed you declined her suggestion. My mum is just like this, it wouldn’t matter what it was she’d find some way to be offended. She’ll ask opinions on something and regardless of my response she always goes the opposite way, which is fine her choice but them Complains later she made the wrong choice and reels off a list of all the reasons o have originally as to why I wouldn’t do that/choose that 🤦🏻‍♀️ Drives me mad. You can’t ever win with someone like that. I’ve pulled back a bit from mine as I’m sick of the snappy attitude.

“ dont understand going into a sulk with no explanation, and then denying any issue several times when asked”
I think we have the same Mother! 😂

As already said, this is abusive behaviour from your mother. I sympathise, I had the same from mine for years. Weeks of silent treatment for something I had done that she had decided I shouldn't have done, or for something I hadn't done that she had decided I should have done.

I now know (years of therapy) that this is a hugely destabilising way to treat someone. But when you're brought up in dysfunction you don't realise the damage that is being done to you.

Your mother, like mine, has trained you from early on to accept any behaviour from her, or expect her wrath and punishment. This is not the behaviour of a loving mother. It is all about her and to hell with you and your needs.

But what about you? You matter. Your needs are important.

I'd suggest you start gently by reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. If that hits home, have a look at the Stately Homes thread here which has a load of resources as well as posters who will understand and support you.

Eventually I had to walk away from my narcissist "mother". My only regret is that I didn't do it many years before.

Your mother sounds like she’s high maintenance.

I’m wondering if it was actually all fine until something else happened after you left - the friend made a comment or she was inconvenienced without you there to drive her. She then decided you were rude so she had someone to blame.

You need to press reset on your relationship OP.
Next time you arrange to meet up let her know you need to leave at that time and not later. Then go out if she is late. No arguments, no drama just calmly explain you are sorry you did not get to spend time with her but your time is as valuable as hers and then leave her to process.
I do think many parents have learned their behaviours from their own parents so it often can be gently but firmly changed.