The right things to say/do when someone is seriously unwell

[Menora]

My friend is very seriously unwell with cancer. They are scared absolutely fucking understandably.

Please can anyone tell me what are the right things do say or do because I will be honest nothing I say seems enough at all. All I want to do is support them but this is not something I have had experience of before.

I can’t visit or send anything as they are being isolated to protect them. I speak to them every day and am trying my best I just need advice, especially from people who might have been through this - what helped you? How did you help someone else?

I’m sure someone will be along with excellent practical advice soon but the one thing I found when supporting a seriously ill friend is that platitudes don’t make it any better. It’s fucking shit and sometimes you can’t coat that in sugar. My friend hated all the jollying and just wanted people to acknowledge that it’s hideously fucking unfair and properly shit.

Don't you have to take your lead from the person? I'd like to think I would be stoical, practical and go big with the black humour and sarcasm - so I'd want my friends to be the same. Other people might feel differently. So how we might respond would be different too.

If she's your friend and you re very close then I just be honest with her, tell her that you don't want to say or do the wrong thing and you might not always say the right thing, but you just want her to know that you are there for her. If there's anything she wants to talk about just to say etc.

You could try asking them .
My dsd who is young adult with very very serious illness / life limiting type...likes when I say " do you want sympathy, support or solutions today"
If it's sympathy I do agree it's shit, life's unfair, why is this happening to HER ..
If it's support I do the more up beat text's..along logistics lines, so I'll be dropping off a casserole at 6pm, whose walking dogs..ok no one, right I'll do that, I'll ring DVLA...etc...
If it's solutions...I tend to say...there aren't any...and it's shit...or ...I've googled there is a Dr in America/ Norway/outer Mongolia who is running a trial on your illness ..do you want me to call them.

This works well for us

Hey @Menora my husband is currently ill with cancer. I found/find people asking me ' how are you doing?' completely impossible to answer (Jill Halfpenny talks about this on the Grief Cast podcast).

It's a little thing but limit questions to specifics they can answer like ' what's the hardest part of your day - how could I help in that?'

Happy to answer any other questions

My friend is currently going through chemo. I've a list of her appointments and I send her random crap for each turn. None of it is related to Csncer, in fact there's often alot of racoon memes or penguin videos. She has found the sitting around waiting for treatment to be particularly soul destroying, so this works for her. But I believe it is very individual so you need to try and work out what she needs or wants.

Thank you all. She is a very strong person however I’ve never heard her be this down before and almost like she has given up. My style would usually be humour and I have tried this a little but she has made a lot of comments (via text) about how she thinks this is the end. It’s that I don’t know how to respond. When people have gone to the black hole of despair what can you say 😞

I don’t ask how she is doing as how can she answer that but I ask how she has slept perhaps. I do not think she is in a place to know what she wants she would answer this that she doesn’t want to die

When people have gone to the black hole of despair what can you say 😞

I think you have to accept that there is nothing you can say to make this better or right. So stop putting pressure on yourself to do that- you arent that powerful. Also, she has every right to feel despair- thats how she is genuinely feeling right now and thats ok. Let her explore that/talk about it rather than trying to chivvy her out of it. We often do that because it makes us feel uncomfortable.

What I would do is say "I'm always here for you- call or text me any time, I am always here to listen and support you in any way I can. Please let me know how I can best support you" and then just take the lead from her. She may just want someone to listen to her fears- listening and feeling heard can be immensely powerful and healing.

We get so focused on solving things for people but the power of listening and acknowledging someone is really underestimated. You cannot "solve" this. But you can be there for her whilst she works through her feelings in her mind.

I have no personal experience to offer, but this sounds like a great approach to take.

When I was fighting cancer, I hated people telling me to stay positive, to be strong etc - it felt like it was implied that it was my fault if I wasn't being strong or positive! And also - it's shit and I wanted people to acknowledge it was shit. Not fake platitudes.
Please also don't say "it will all be ok" - her doctors arent even telling her that so don't pretend. It might not be ok and she knows it and is facing that every day. Let her rant, cry, fall apart but be there checking in, holding that space for her.

You can't make it better so don't try, just listen to her, love her.

I agree we try to solve things and I know I can’t do this so I avoid saying any things like this. This is all so helpful thank you.

I can’t say I would not go to the black hole of despair myself either so I do not judge her for one single second, it must be so terrifying.

its really hard on text, if we were face to face I would be able to be a better judge of what her needs are.

I can’t say I would not go to the black hole of despair myself either so I do not judge her for one single second, it must be so terrifying

Absolutely, but think of it in a way like the grieving process. You get shock, then anger, then despair/sadness then finally acceptance (I've probably missed one out but you know what I mean). Its a natural process and its not something to be scared of and its not something "negative"- its a natural phase and understandable in grief/loss. Allowing her to feel it and process those feelings of despair will help her in the journey. I think British culture (if you are in UK) in general is really uncomfortable with feelings and we dont talk about them hence the reticence and awkwardness of everyone to entertain them or feeling that we have to talk people out of it etc I think there is a way of validating those feelings without compounding them if that makes sense?

Also- look after yourself too- it must be really upsetting seeing her go through this and feeling so helpless. Your self care is important as well x

Having been through cancer, you do go to some dark places. I especially did while awaiting results to see if it had spread (that was the most horrendous 3 weeks of my life and SIL was ranting on WhatsApp group about how moving is the most stressful things ever).
From friends, it was good to know they were thinking of me. Some sent texts whether it was just sending hugs/love, asking how things were going. Some sent little gifts-easyish puzzles, nice small toiletries eg. lip balm, hand cream, I had some lovely home made herbal tea blends, chocolate.
You obviously aren't going to but some friends just didn't get in touch. I would rather them say, "this is shit, I don't know what to say". Avoid the "stay positive" and "you've got this". They often come from a well meant place but when you're terrified it's not what you need to hear!

Actually, have a look on the Macmillan website or one for her type of cancer and you may be able to find ways to help type info.

If she's saying she thinks it's the end this time, I'd be exploring why/the background with her and if that's come from the doctor. You acknowledge it's shit and see what practicalities you can help with. If it is terminal and there really is no hope, what their wishes are for funeral etc etc.

Macmillan has a really useful guide for this, see here https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends/what-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer for their tips, and there's a downloadable booklet at the bottom or you can ask them to post you one if you prefer a paper copy.

One thing that really rankled me with my husband's illness was people saying "you must be..." or "I bet you are...", because however well meaning I didn't want people telling me how I should be feeling.

And if you can help, just do it. So many people offered help, but it's so hard to say yes. The people who turned up, pushed their way in and cleaned the house, who pushed money and gift cards through the letterbox, ordered food to the house and turned up with bags of shopping and left cakes on the doormat, that's what I needed.

When I felt like that (I thankfully recovered), distraction was probably the best tactic.

Someone sent me books and funny news stories (not about health) and kept the conversation going by email. Then I could engage or not, depending how I felt.

Investigate hospice care and/or MacMillan nurses?

Agree with the practical help as a sign of love - I don't have cancer but have been bedridden for a few months. I have so many extra worries like the lawn/gutters full of plants/dog walking/feeding DC/shopping/planning things for summer holidays. Honestly anything that might help out or even just a bunch of flowers on the doorstep would cheer my day.

I'd also rather have interesting or funny youtube links than a book due to fatigue. Food in smaller portions because I can sometimes only manage a little at a time and don't want to waste good food. I think yes, acknowledge it is shit but try to be the lighthearted relief. I still want to feel I'm in on the light hearted and funny side of life - if anything it feels more important at times. I can always watch the video when I'm not super depressed, for example.

It's good of you to have asked - we do need to talk about responses to chronic illness more as a nation.

I've been through cancer with surgery, chemo, radio, hormone tablets etc. I would always take your lead from the person so if they are talking in a positive way about when they are cured do the same. If they are anxious then I preferred to be asked how I was feeling and be able to answer honestly and then have sympathy. Distraction can also work, sometimes people get fed up of people just seeing them as cancer and only discussing cancer. When people keep in touch it's great, I also isolated and loved the video calls from my Italian friend who would ask how I was and then discuss cats and tell me to call any time and meant it. I also really appreciated the people who remembered my surgery and chemo dates and asked me each time how I was, at those times the person may be very tired so may only be able to talk for a minute but it's lovely to be thought of. The worst are people who avoid you, just keep in touch for gossip, asking how you are then not replying when you tell them or the people who make inappropriate comments like you are at stage 4 tests sounds like it's going well. They might be up for an outdoor activity together.

How about, “This fucking sucks. I’m right here. Let me support you.”

If they are very worried about infection risk think you are right not to send anything. I was very worried, but it can get isolating. Sometimes also asking are you feeling well enough to chat now is useful as you aren't always.

You just have to take your lead from her, you know her best. Getting in touch every day is a great thing to do, if she's isolating the days must be very long.

My best friend tended to ignore questions about her treatment or health but would reply to texts about TV and the like, so we texted a lot about TV. Others would find that too trivial.

It sounds like you are doing all you can OP, try not to be so hard on yourself. You know your relationship and you are just checking in with her. These things are so difficult to navigate. I also agree with avoiding anything about positive thinking/fighting cancer, I have had close family die from cancer and that all felt like bullshit at the time.
Years ago I had a friend going through a difficult time and I messaged her daily and I think in the end she found that overwhelming and she dumped me so it is so hard to know what to do some times. Trust yourself and just see how your friend responds. You can't make this shit situation any better tho, you can just be there for her, that's all I would want from a friend.