No joy/excitement in finding out I'm pregnant with second child - unsure whether to continue

[mamacitas7]

It's going to be a long one I apologise but I feel like I need to get it all out to get the right advice. I found out about 11 days ago that I was pregnant with 2nd child. I had been going back and forth about having another for a good while. DP was also very content with 1 but fully supported having another if that’s what I wanted, he was easy either way. Last month I had some very random bleeding and didn’t have sex around what I thought to be my fertile window so never thought there would be a chance, I actually said to DP while we were on holiday having a lovely time as a 3 about a week before I found out I was pregnant that I am very much learning to just having the one. When I realised my period was late and took a test, my reaction was oh fuck what have I done. I’ve cried a lot and there has been no joy or excitement in finding this news out.

My reasons are:
I love our life just the 3 of us and everything has always been so easy with my first and raising him has been nothing but a joy, I worry we wouldn’t be as lucky enough to get another the same.

We have a 3 bed house but the 3rd room is a box room and it would be squeeze as a family of 4, I don’t want to move anytime soon and I wouldn’t want DS to have to share a room as it doesn’t feel fair.

We are financially comfortable as 3 but we would likely have to cut back on things that we are used to doing and not having to think about and not being able to go away as much which makes me feel sad for my first, I want to give him a many lovely memories as we can.

I know people say this often but I truly don’t believe there is any way I could love another the way I love my first, he is the absolute light of our lives and the thought of not being able to give him our full attention and what he/we are used to breaks my heart. DP works away Mon – Fri and I’ve always managed no problem with DS during this time but I think it would be a struggle with another one, although I do have a good support system in my parents who are always happy to look after DS at the drop of a hat.

There is no guarantee they would get along or be great friends, I have a sibling 5 years older and we never got on or had much of a relationship.

To me our life is perfect and I don’t want to mess that up, but I don’t know if I will regret an abortion when my first is older.

I worry about possible disabilities the 2nd child could have and how much this would impact our lives.

Maybe I would actually love another as much as DS and it could turn out to be the best decision we ever made.

My first will never have any cousins on my side and his DP’s sibling who has a child live 8 hours away, so my little one will often be the only child in the family and the only child at family events/Christmas’ etc. I don’t have many friends so play dates are few and far between. It could be amazing and DS could love having a sibling and it could be the best thing we ever did, but I am just stuck in limbo at the minute and don’t know where to go from here. Any advice is welcome, anyone been in this situation with their second pregnancy and what did you decide? DP will support whatever decision I make but I can’t seem to make one.

There would be a 3.5 year age gap between them.

It is hard to gauge from your post whether you want reassurance that most of your worries won't happen and it will be fine or whether you want permission to end the pregnancy. You don't need anyone else's permission to have an abortion, but your reasons read like a list of reasons not to get pregnant rather than what to do if you do, if that makes sense. It doesn't sound like you see never getting pregnant and having an abortion as the same (fine if you do) so maybe reframe it a little bit - not getting pregnant at all is no longer an option.

How did you react to being pregnant with DS, do you struggle with change generally or is it specific to this?

The only points I can reassure you on is that you would love the baby the same and your DS will gain as much from a sibling as he'll lose by not having his own room and undivided attention (it's another person to get attention from, not just one that takes it). Also, DS will know no difference than the life he has, won't be able to compare to a parallel universe, so do what is right for you.

Change is scary and it sounds like you have done a brilliant job with DS, rocking the boat doesn't always end badly, sometimes it adds excitement and joy.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I guess what I'm wanting is to know what others would do in this situation, I feel like I just can't make a decision and I don't feel like either decision is the right one. My head feels all over.

I was absolutely elated when I found out I was pregnant with DS, we both were. We always knew we wanted at least one and everything was so exciting, I never had any doubts at all. He really is the most amazing little boy. I feel like these are the best years and having another would put a cloud over it and not make it as enjoyable if that makes sense? Then again I think imagine if I had another just like him and I wondered how I ever felt this way.

I would keep it. I am an only child and I hated it. Yes I got to go to many places, but I was always lonely as there was noone my age to talk to. Also it's hard to make friends when you know that you are never going to see that person again. I also only saw my cousins once per year, so I have never developed a proper relationship with them and always feel like the outsider at family events.

I had 2 DC and they adore each other.

When i found put i was pregnant with second ds I went to bed and cried as I was so unsure. We had waited 6 years for it to happen but I went into shock. I had all the same worries you have. I will not tell you what you should do as only you know. I felt the same as happy and settled with one, lovely life, enough money. I had ds and now cannot imagine our family without him in it. He has been a joy. Yes it was hard doing the baby bit again but I found it easier than the first time. Both our ds get on well.

This is a totally normal reaction to finding out you're pregnant again! Your life will be different but doesn't mean it will be worse. I found it helpful to look at my life in 20 years and think what I wanted for then.

When I got pregnant with my first, I was so happy and excited. I would have been happy to stay with one (im an only child so knew how good it was!) but my DH was keen to have another but it took me a year to get pregnant the first time.
Anyway, the second time I got pregnant on the first try and when I found out I was shocked and nervous and wasn’t sure we had done the right thing!
Anyway, that was 12 years ago and I can say, it was the best decision ever. He is the most lovely, sweet boy and he and his brother get on so well and I love seeing them together. I have never had a second’s regret, having two children is the most brilliant thing and I love them both so much I can’t even put it into words.

The day he was born, it was the two of us in our room and he was feeding and I said “so, you’re my new boy hey?” and he stopped feeding, looked up at me, made eye contact, then carried on feeding and I just felt this all consuming rush of absolute pure love for this little fellow.

I'm one and done and if I got unexpectedly pregnant I would terminate.

Regarding whether you'd love a second as much, I actually disagree with you. I definitely believe love multiplies. But the thing for me is that time and money and patience don't also magically multiply like love does. I personally don't want to give two children 100% of my love each but then only be able to give them 50% of my resources. I want to focus all my love and resources on one, and have some mental space and literal time left for myself as well.

The disability question is also an important one. I think too many people have a second child blindly assuming everything will be OK. If my first child had been disabled, we would have coped. It was a risk worth taking because it really only affected my husband and I. Whereas now my first child's happiness and lifestyle are at stake, the risk has become not worth it.

Hi OP.

I think your reaction to your pregnancy is completely normal.

It's so hard to comprehend that there will be enough love for a second child, but once the baby's here, you'll find that there is.

You don't love the first child less. You just end up loving them both equally. More love comes from somewhere!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you decide to keep your baby. Your DS will enjoy having a playmate.

I was exactly the same - same age gap and same concerns. We had a few weeks of ‘should we or shouldn’t we?’

He’s the best decision ever, I adore him and makes the team complete.

Re loving them the same - I actually love them in different ways, but equal amounts. One with a deep maternal love in the pit of my stomach and one with so much admiration, respect and awe. It might be their ages but what I’m trying to convey is that there really is enough love to go round and it doesn’t have to be the same for both.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. There is no black and white, there’s reasons for both and concentrate on the positives of whatever route you decide. x

I'm in this exact same situation. Found out 2 weeks ago and have been deliberating what to do ever since. If I could rewind and not be pregnant, I think I would. But now that I actually am, deciding to not continue the pregnancy isn't an easy decision.

Here to support and interested in any other responses.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my essay and respond, thank god I've been shut away in an office today alone at work because I just keep crying on and off. Disability is very high on the list of reasons not to continue, I'd never forgive myself for what that would mean to DS. I've just finished work but once DS is in bed later I'm going to have a proper read through all the responses and reply.

I keep thinking the exact same, I wish I could rewind and undo this. It's the hardest decision ever. How old is your DC? Are your reasons similar? I hate that you're also going through this but it's good to have someone in the same position to talk about it.

Have all the modern tests.
Three and a half years is perfect for a gap.
I would go ahead with an all clear on the tests.
Relax and trust yourself.

She's just turned 2. Reasons are very similar: worries about having to divide my love/time/attention/money. No real desire to go through pregnancy or childbirth again. Perfectly happy with my current set up and don't feel like anything or anyone is missing.

But worried I'd regret not continuing in the future. I know a sibling relationship isn't guaranteed, but I do think a positive sibling relationship would be something lovely for my DD to have into adulthood.

Writing it all down there are so many more cons than pros, but still not sure I can go through with a termination.

What modern tests do you recommend? I never had any with DS so not really sure which route I'd go down.

@Oddsox1 I'm exactly the same. I just don't know how to make a final decision on it, I almost want someone to tell me what to do. DP will be supportive either way so he isn't swaying me a certain way. I'm the same in that I have so many cons but very little pros. It's all I can think of. How does your DP/DH feel about it?

Have you told your DP yet? It sounds like you haven't. So do that first, discuss it as a couple and go from there.

He's the same. I think he's probably leaning more towards having it than I am, but doesn't feel strongly either way and would support me whatever.

I'm almost 7 weeks so really need to make a decision soon or time will run out. Tempted to book an early scan, in case that helps me decide one way or another, but maybe that would just complicate matters more.

You haven't actively been trying to avoid a second pregnancy though, so is it just a 'shit, what have I done' moment??
I have an 'only' GC, and they do have both benefits and drawbacks as an only child, overall, probably more drawbacks tbh.

However, it's all your decision, I would just say that if you decide to abort, please sort out foolproof prevention to getting pregnant again, it's a bloody awful decision to make xx

I think it's very normal to not imagine how you're going to love another child as deeply and intensely as your first. Sure, the early months are harder work with the 2nd as you can't sleep when baby does with a toddler around but your heart fills with even more love. I had 4 (one didn't survive) and now with 3 adult children, my heart aches when I watch them all together. They have such a tight bond and are hugely protective of one another. And they will get to share our elderly care/tough decisions with each other so none are burdened.

I want to give him a many lovely memories as we can.

OP you say this as a regret about having to cut back on trips and experiences, but I don't think any day out or holiday can compare to the gift of a sibling. Maybe they won't always be best friends but everyone I know has happy childhood memories with a sibling.

You say you are happy as a family of three, but reading into it, that simply means you will also be happy as a family of four. It's normal to have panicked thoughts at the changes ahead but you'll cross each bridge as you come to it. You've already been through the incredibly steep learning curve of being a mother and your relationship has adjusted to the shock of a new person dictating your lives so in a way you've done most of the work!

I felt the same when I got accidentally pregnant with my second son. My first was only just 16 months. I cried endlessly, looked into abortion but I just couldn't do it. My ExH was never home (in the pub constantly) and I was doing it all on my own and was worried I wouldn't cope. I also cried on the way to have my second worrying I wouldn't love him the same.
My boys are best friends and my youngest is the loveliest, kindest boy ever.
I don't regret it for a single moment, in fact I shudder when I think about how I could have had an abortion. Xxx

I think it is quite normal to react a bit like this with a second or third pregnancy even if you have planned it. It’s very different to your first because you have to think of your other child and you know the ups and downs of having a baby.

For what it’s worth your love grows, you absolutely would be able to love this baby in the same way. You don’t split your love between them, your heart doubles in size, it’s hard to explain and reassure but it’s normal to feel worried about that.

Having said that if you are feeling strongly against having this baby, then maybe wait a week or so(if you have time to work with) and see how you feel at that point, maybe have some counselling and make your decision from there.

Why is a disability high? Are you older? I felt after my first child that I could never love another the same. More children now and love them all
Equally if you were unsure about another child, why didn’t either of you sort protection against it?