No joy/excitement in finding out I'm pregnant with second child - unsure whether to continue

[mamacitas7]

It's going to be a long one I apologise but I feel like I need to get it all out to get the right advice. I found out about 11 days ago that I was pregnant with 2nd child. I had been going back and forth about having another for a good while. DP was also very content with 1 but fully supported having another if that’s what I wanted, he was easy either way. Last month I had some very random bleeding and didn’t have sex around what I thought to be my fertile window so never thought there would be a chance, I actually said to DP while we were on holiday having a lovely time as a 3 about a week before I found out I was pregnant that I am very much learning to just having the one. When I realised my period was late and took a test, my reaction was oh fuck what have I done. I’ve cried a lot and there has been no joy or excitement in finding this news out.

My reasons are:
I love our life just the 3 of us and everything has always been so easy with my first and raising him has been nothing but a joy, I worry we wouldn’t be as lucky enough to get another the same.

We have a 3 bed house but the 3rd room is a box room and it would be squeeze as a family of 4, I don’t want to move anytime soon and I wouldn’t want DS to have to share a room as it doesn’t feel fair.

We are financially comfortable as 3 but we would likely have to cut back on things that we are used to doing and not having to think about and not being able to go away as much which makes me feel sad for my first, I want to give him a many lovely memories as we can.

I know people say this often but I truly don’t believe there is any way I could love another the way I love my first, he is the absolute light of our lives and the thought of not being able to give him our full attention and what he/we are used to breaks my heart. DP works away Mon – Fri and I’ve always managed no problem with DS during this time but I think it would be a struggle with another one, although I do have a good support system in my parents who are always happy to look after DS at the drop of a hat.

There is no guarantee they would get along or be great friends, I have a sibling 5 years older and we never got on or had much of a relationship.

To me our life is perfect and I don’t want to mess that up, but I don’t know if I will regret an abortion when my first is older.

I worry about possible disabilities the 2nd child could have and how much this would impact our lives.

Maybe I would actually love another as much as DS and it could turn out to be the best decision we ever made.

My first will never have any cousins on my side and his DP’s sibling who has a child live 8 hours away, so my little one will often be the only child in the family and the only child at family events/Christmas’ etc. I don’t have many friends so play dates are few and far between. It could be amazing and DS could love having a sibling and it could be the best thing we ever did, but I am just stuck in limbo at the minute and don’t know where to go from here. Any advice is welcome, anyone been in this situation with their second pregnancy and what did you decide? DP will support whatever decision I make but I can’t seem to make one.

The sibling gap is great, do you think your little boy will enjoy having a sibling? It's the ideal age to "help" and still retain your well established bond.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second I did panic a bit- and we were trying and there was never any doubt about continuing the pregnancy.
I think as a second time parent you understand that a new baby will turn your lives upside down...
But you've been here before, you know what to do with a baby (I'd never held a newborn until I held my first). You've had the steep learning curve and can handle this.

As a second born child it was very clear to me that we were both loved hugely and equally, so it never entered my head that I wouldn't love another child as much as my first.
Then, whilst my first looked like my (lovely) MIL when she was born, my second looked like my lovely mum. It was a wonderful and funny moment and she was instantly part of the family. And seeing your eldest with the new baby melts your heart.

Good luck with you decision OP.

I'd terminate without thinking twice if what I actually wanted was what you say you want, a time machine to go back and not get pregnant accidentally. But I'm not you.

If I produced a crystal ball and said you were going to miscarry on Tuesday, would you be relieved or disappointed?

Just to add a little balance, I'm an only and have no issues with that. Also chose to be one and done. My childhood was great, I didn't want for anything had plenty of friends and made friends easily. There are no guarantees of anything. You can make either decision and that will be the right decision to make for you.

You don't divide your love between children. You multiply it.

You have a serious case of not wanting to rock the boat because your life is so perfect. You are so in love with your first baby that you can't think straight and are jumping to wild ideas because your primal urge is to protect #1.

But... You're pregnant - you must have been trying? Or at least not using contraception? So the natural consequence has occurred and you're scared. That's ok. Life is scary. But you sound as though you are a very deeply loving mum and why would you not want that for #2 also?

Love doesn't divide... it multiplies.

Deep breath!

I was like you about a 2nd. Then as time went on I was happy with 1. Found I was pregnant with 2nd and felt the "oh fuck what have I done?" However I lost that pregnancy and then I knew I did want a 2nd.

I have 2 girls and 4.5 years between them.

I still haven't make a decision yet. Yesterday morning I was thinking yes I can do this, it will work out but then by the evening I've put in a bpas request.

With my DS (despite not being overly maternal beforehand and never ever being someone to coo over babies or have any interest in them) I've fortunately found motherhood to come very natural to me and haven't found it very challenging despite DP working away during the week every week. The only time I really struggled was the first few weeks when DP went back to work but after a few weeks everything fell into place, DS started sleeping through the night and it's all been mainly lovely. I wonder if because I haven't found motherhood as difficult as others may, it might not be as bad as I think having 2. I'm giving myself another week to make a final decision. I do think DS would enjoy a sibling and plsymate, he makes friends everywhere we go and is a very social and kind boy however this alone I don't feel like is a good enough reason.

@Oddsox1 how are you getting on? Have you had anymore thoughts?

Still in turmoil, still very undecided! So many fears about continuing, but so worried about regretting a termination. The days are ticking on and I haven't made an appointment to terminate, so I think we're leaning towards continuing. Although I'm not enthusiastic about it at all.

How are you feeling today?

@Oddsox1 I feel exactly the same, totally understand how difficult it is. I've booked a telephone appointment with bpas for next week but I just don't think I can go through with it. I also still don't have any desire for another child, I feel a million miles away from the baby stage and enjoying life so much as it is now. I don't think either decision is the right one. How many weeks are you now? I think I'm about 6 weeks. I'd do anything to rewind time and undo this.

We had this reaction for every one of my pregnancies, all planned.

My husband was particularly upset when I got pregnant the second time (planned!) that when I told him (we were out on a day trip) he didn't speak and we just got in the car and drove home in silence. He went to bed as soon as we got home and didn't speak until the next day. He moaned about how much the baby would interrupt our financial plans for several months. Baby number two is the absolute light of his life!!!!

Third time, I did a pregnancy test, left the room, and when I came back it was positive. I screamed out a list of obscenities as I was actually horrified! Planned again! But this time I knew the freak out was normal.

Fyi: they were all great decisions and my kids are all absolutely fabulous little people with unique, wondrous personalities. I love them all the same in different ways. When you hold your second d baby for the first time, you think 'ahhh, of course!!!' and everything slots into place. I was just so fascinated that I had ordered two babies from the same baby factory and just so intrigued into how the genetic cocktail had worked second time around. They are both like two sides of the same coin.

I marvelled at the wonder of nature far more with the second, and feel like I really felt 'motherhood' down to my toes in a much more profound way than I had with one, because another of my children had now been triangulated into the family unit. It was stuff of awe! Someone said this in a different thread, but seeing my children interacting and being a part of their bond is the greatest light of my life. When I had the third, I would look at them all and think 'there's one, and another, and another!' and would feel such a sense of satisfaction and pride. The more kids I have, the more I value their individuality more. For me it had been an absolutely beautiful experience.

Oh ì forgot to say that I felt so flat, emotionless and empty when I was pregnant with number two, that I told the midwife I thought I was depressed. It lifted as soon as I saw the baby's fluffy little head

You have to do whatever you think is best. People can list all the reasons why you should/shouldn't continue with the pregnancy but ultimately it is your life and you have to live it how you think is best.

I have a 3.5 year gap and my DC don't particularly get along. They are 13 and 9 now so it could change but I didn't have DC2 as a friend for them. I am an only child and I loved it - still do. I had plenty of friends and opportunities because I was an only.

I do remember feeling panic when I found out I was pregnant with DC2 (even though we had been trying) and worried how I would ever love another but you just do. Ultimately I knew I wanted 2 DC anyway. So try to listen to your gut rather than worrying what other people would do - good luck with whatever you decide.

@mamacitas7 sent you a PM

Hi @mamacitas7 do you mind if I asked what you decided to do? After two traumatic pregnancies, miscarriages and lots of fertility treatment I was content with one, but now I have a surprise one on the way. I haven’t been excited as last time but will make the most of it and hopefully they arrive healthy.

Hey, yes of course. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and I'm now 24 weeks. I'm still not as excited and it's totally different to my first pregnancy, my DS had his name picked out, room all decorated and organised and lots of things bought by this point with him but this time couldn't be more opposite and I've bought a cute little cardigan but that's it! However I really do think it was the right decision to go ahead, my 3 year old is always talking fondly about the baby and I think it's going to be wonderful for him to have a sibling and although I do have moments of worry about things and guilt for my DS but overall I know it was the right decision and I'm trying to positively look forward to family life as a 4!

You'll love it, one day. The second one felt like such a chore being pregnant and the thought of all that work to have to do it all again filled me with dread. And a bit when they finally came along. But now it's all fun and chaos and adorable and stressful.

@mamacitas7 how did you get on with your pregnancy... your orignal post really resonates with me and I am in the exact same bought with my family of 3 but pregnant now and wondering now a few months down the lane how do you feel about the decision you made

I think once you have an actual child you don't have the same feelings about a foetus nor the time to actually feel them. You will actually love the baby though. Seeing your first child entertaining your baby is one of the best things in the world.

its not for anyone else to decide.

I agree about not having a sibling just because your first will have a brother or sis.

I know people whose siblings have bought nothing but misery to their lives as adults.

How glad am I that I have just found your post, I am in this situation now. We have been trying for a second for 9 months but each month its a no so maybe I'm in shock but all of the above is our triangle and I'm so scared and shocked and mix of emotions of what to do. Our little one is 5 year and now scared its too big of age gap.

I'm sitting snuggling my beautiful 3 day old baby boy and I can't believe I ever had these thoughts, I'm besotted with him and he is the perfect addition to our family. My 3 year old is the best big brother and has just been totally amazing with him, it makes me well up just watching him with the baby. Yes it's a bit crazy adjusting to 2 children and juggling everything as I feel guilty for not being with the toddler enough then guilty for not cuddling the baby as much as I did with my first but hopefully we will figure it out.

Do you think your relationship with your own sibling might be influencing your worries OP?

OP just seen your update, congrats!!!! :) ❤️

Maybe it’s something I just have to go with and stop worrying about change.

I am an only child. It’s not something I wanted for DD1. I didn’t get the small gap I had hoped for. Instead I got a 4 years 2.5 months gap which equates to 5 school years gap.

The 2 girls have never had any common interests, are very different people and are now adults. They were not company for each other as kids, they don’t socialise together now. DD1 would have loved to be the only child.

Turns out DD1 is highly intelligent and autistic. DD2 has learning disabilities but not autistic. They are both my world. I could not be without either of them. And they worry me sick for different reasons.

OP you have to be selfish. Have a child because you want a child.