Not scaring people help needed.

[Mysterian]

I'm a stealthy kind of person. Never smoked and no lung conditions so my breathing is pretty much silent. I move elegantly across the planet like a mountain goat, again, making no sound. I'm also no Nick Knowles: I'm a bit on the shy side and rarely dramatically burst into a room causing a loud kerfuffle. All this means I often enter a place already occupied by a fellow human who has no idea I'm there. Then it's only a matter of time before they realise and scream. It happens a lot.
What can I do when I'm in the room? Quickly saying "don't scream" seems like exactly the wrong thing to say.

Try blasting out the Imperial March from Star Wars as you enter the room.

Maintain an intermittent beep.......beep.......beep sound, then as you approach another human increase the frequency in relation to their physical proximity.

I could wear tap shoes and make no noise.

There seems to be a lot of us stealthy people about. Maybe we should ask MNHQ for a board somewhere?

I used to have a job at a famous waxworks place which involved lots of standing around. People would think I was a waxwork, come and stare at me, wondering who I was. I'd smile politely and they'd scream and terror and run away.
It never got old.

As for you op, just walk into a room chatting on your phone or cough politely.

@ConstantRain I was once posing for a photo at Madam Tussauds, arm in arm with waxy Bob Geldof. Photo taken I let go of his arm and stepped forward - a woman squealed like a stuck pig and said, 'Bloody hell, I honestly thought you were a rubbish wax Paula Yates'.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · Today 11:49
try saying hello!

You know, I'm thinking that depending on the voice, this could be up there with 'Don't scream!'
'Heeeloooo'

Churchview, if ever you want a change of user name 'ArubbishPaulaYates' would be quite unique.

Jump into the room, arms out, jazz hands waggling, and shout "Here I am, now name your next 2 wishes!" (DH says that to me regularly when he gets up in the morning 🙄. Always makes me laugh, the daft sod.)

Or become a one (wo)man band.

' The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba' would make a pleasant musical announcement

There is a board for stealthy people but no one is aware of it!

ARGHHHH! Who said that?!?!

Stop giving me ideas 💡

😂

@Giggorata what shall we pick? I’m imagining the first couple of lines from Black Dog?

Cabbage and beans.

I recommend this, from PG Wodehouse.
"Jeeves coughed one soft, low, gentle cough like a sheep with a blade of grass stuck in its throat"

If you get a stealth board can the ones of us who are like elephants get a special board too?

I'd go for chewing, chewing gum and just really open your jaws wide to get the full effect.

I have a colleague who is loud. Seriously. She's not much bigger than me, but you can hear her coming down the corridor - thump, thump, thump, sits down heavily on chairs etc. just the opposite!

Yes, you need a theme tune!

I reckon the last one is still a tad creepy if OP has just appeared in their house!

I think the best way is to carry windchimes around with you. Mumsnetters are always saying how much they love those...

This thread has made me properly laugh.

I don't think I'm very stealthy, in fact I know I'm not, but every week, without fail, my cleaner screams when I walk into the kitchen when she's not expecting it.

I don't know why she's not expecting it. She knows I'm in the house.

So perhaps it's not that you're stealthy, OP, perhaps it's just that everyone you know is of an incredibly nervous disposition!

They might kill you after a while though.

I'll let you borrow my knock-off Birkies they make farting noises underfoot which announce I'm in the vicinity. You will have to be ok with swapping out frightened gasps with looks of narrow eyed disgust, though.