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Original poster

Do you have access to his/her phone

70 replies

Whatmonth · 06/07/2024 22:48

We have been married for over 45 years.
He has access to mine and I have access to his phone.
Surely if you are married or in a loving relationship there should be no secrets.

OP posts:
Incakewetrust · 06/07/2024 23:31

We both leave our phones lying around and we have the same passcode as each other so if I wanted to, yes I could access his phone but I've never felt the need to look and wouldn't want to invade his privacy.
He's never given me a reason to not trust him.

Thedishonthecoffeetable · 06/07/2024 23:32

I do in so far as my dh is a technophobe and works away all week, often needs me to access his emails and other stuff to deal with life stuff! I can honestly say I've never read anything he's not asked me to deal with. I could have easily read his private messages on fb or WhatsApp but they're his messages not mine. Both in late 60s 2nd marriage for both

Lostworlds · 06/07/2024 23:32

Dh might ask to use my phone for something and vice Versa but I wouldn’t just pick up his phone and go through it and neither would he. We know each others passwords and would grab to phone nearest to take a picture etc

Original poster
Whatmonth · 06/07/2024 23:34

We don't look at each others phone but we do have access.
I trust him with my life.
We share details of our bank accounts.

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 06/07/2024 23:40

Yeah we often use each others' phones. Just for practical and convenience reasons. I can't recall that we would have used each others phones pre-kids but we do find it useful nowadays. I imagine there will come a time where we don't do it anymore, although it probably won't be a conscious choice. Just a natural phasing out. Or maybe not, who knows.

We both share our locations which is useful for very boring reasons, like if DH is trying to catch up with me and the kids after work but I don't answer my phone (because I am notoriously shit at answering my phone). Or if he's been travelling for work and I'm checking how far away he is so I can get dinner on. We also like the security of having that information in case of an emergency, especially if one of us is out with the children.

None of our kids have mobiles, so it's not unusual for one of them to borrow either my phone or DH's to play games etc. In which case that parent might borrow the others phone to check footy results/search a recipe/check the calendar/use the camera. Sometimes we might look through each others photos to see if they have any new pictures of the kids.

I suppose technically this means we have access to each others messages, emails, WhatsApp etc, but I definitely wouldn't check DH's. I doubt very much that he checks mine. I suspect he would feel the same as I do about that; that I have nothing to hide, but that it would feel like a bit of a slap in the face to be "checked up on" when neither of us has ever given the other any reason not to trust.

Diggerdog123 · 06/07/2024 23:40

I trust DP with my life.

I know his passcode and he knows mine but we never look at each others phones.

why isn’t he allowed a relationship with his family that is outside of his relationship with you? Maybe it’s different coz this is 2nd time around for us but he has his kids and I mine and it’s none of his or my business

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2024 23:43

I trust him with my life.

That doesn't mean no privacy though. And by extension no friends who share their private thoughts.

LadyWhistled0wn · 06/07/2024 23:44

Yes have access to each others phone. Don't ever go on it unless he's ignoring the phone calls lol.

walsen · 06/07/2024 23:47

Never had access to DH's phone and he doesn't have access to mine. Never need to use each other's phone as we each have our own. Neither of us are interested in checking each other's phone.

We don't share everything with each other, not secrets as we'd be happy to share if the other wanted us to, but we have lives outside of each other and don't discuss the detail of everything. I don't think either of us would be surprised with any messages we'd find, but we'd probably find them so dull it's not worth the effort of going looking.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/07/2024 23:51

Phones are left around the house and we both know each other's passcode but I can't remember the last time I used his phone.
He uses mine most days because we play a game on it but I've never seen him on anything other than the game we play. Oh and he's taken mine to McDonald's before now because I had a better offer on the app 😂

He'd be wasting his time looking to be fair -absolutely nothing of any interest or scandal on there.

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/07/2024 23:51

If I wanted to but I wouldn't dream of it.

Sasqwatch · 06/07/2024 23:51

Then why do you need ‘access’ if you trust each other OP?
Can’t believe you’ve been married for 45 years when you’re acting like teenagers.

Mamadothehump · 07/07/2024 00:04

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 06/07/2024 23:14

I have access in the sense that I know the passcode, and he knows mine. We might look at each other's phone if the other person is busy - like if I'm driving and I need him to check something he will. Or if mine is charging in another room I'll use his if I wanted to look something up or check the weather etc

But neither of us would go through the other person's messages. It's not about secrecy, it's about privacy.

Same for me and DH

sugarbyebye · 07/07/2024 00:10

No way. Our comms are private. Have zero trust issues but also zero interest in going through each others stuff. I’ve got a folder with passwords, will, bank details etc should he need it but otherwise no.

MadYoke · 07/07/2024 01:02

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 06/07/2024 23:14

I have access in the sense that I know the passcode, and he knows mine. We might look at each other's phone if the other person is busy - like if I'm driving and I need him to check something he will. Or if mine is charging in another room I'll use his if I wanted to look something up or check the weather etc

But neither of us would go through the other person's messages. It's not about secrecy, it's about privacy.

Same here, I know his pin, he knows mine, I might ask him to check my phone if I'm driving etc, but I would never ever look at his phone without asking as I believe privacy is important in a relationship

Edingril · 07/07/2024 01:04

Why would I want to look at his phone?

LuckyMum1989 · 07/07/2024 01:20

I suppose it's the difference between secrecy and privacy that is key.

If I was cooking dinner, and he asked what time a theme park opened and I said "not sure - google it" then he'd pick up whichever phone was on the side. If his was upstairs, I wouldn't think twice about seeing him pick up my phone to do something a phone does! Nor would DH if it was me.

Just the other day, I was feeding the baby downstairs and my DH was about to go upstairs and I said "DH, my phone is charging next to the bed and I just realised I forgot to reply to SIL about what day is best to go round. Can you just send her a reply from my phone asking if Monday is ok?"

I could have tried to remember to do it myself later, or asked him to unplug my phone and bring it down to me, or asked him to text SIL from his phone, or asked him to text me to remind me to text SIL so i saw it when I was back on my phone.... but.... why would I? It would work the same way both ways. If i needed to check tomorrow's weather forecast, I would use his phone without asking and wouldn't expect him to ask to use mine (as long as he didn't move it and lose it 🤣)

I'm surprised that isn't most people's experience!

DeeCeeCherry · 07/07/2024 01:21

I know DP's passcode and sometimes use his phone if I want to Google something if my phone's on charge. Or if his phone rings and he's not in the room I'll glance and call out to him and say so n so is calling you. If I'm driving I might ask him to look up something on my phone. That's about it really, we're not over-invested in phones anyway. I dated a man years ago who clutched his phone everywhere he went, even to the loo. I dumped him without even bothering to address the silliness as he very obviously had something to hide. But I'd not have been interested in looking at his phone anyway. I have secrets from DP and maybe he has secrets too, who knows. I've never felt any man has to know every single thing about me - what for? Nor do I feel I need to know every single thing about a man. That's nothing to do with phones tho

FlamingoFloss · 07/07/2024 01:21

Yep, we both have access to each others phones if we wanted to.

MonsteraMama · 07/07/2024 01:24

Nope. He's entitled to his privacy as I am to mine. Privacy and secrets are two different things. I have private conversations with my pals on my phone that are of no consequence to my relationship at all but which I (and the other people involved!) wouldn't want my husband reading.

If we're ordering takeaway I'm happy to throw my phone to him so he can order his stuff, and vice versa, but it would never occur to me to pick up his phone and rootle through it. It's none of my business.

Surely if you're married and in a loving relationship you should trust one another enough to not have to have open access to everything in the other person's life?

LemonySnickets · 07/07/2024 06:54

I know his passcode. I told him mine was my birthday. He responded with 'oh well I'm never gonna remember that!' Grin (I'm worse with dates than him so that doesn't bother me!)

DeclansAFeckingDream · 07/07/2024 06:57

I don't feel the need to check his phone and he doesn't check mine. I'd find it very strange if after 45 years (we're 25 years) or any amount of years really, that we didn't trust each other.

mondaytosunday · 07/07/2024 07:52

No. His was mostly for work. I'd let him use mine but I don't think he knew my password. I had no interest in having 'access' to his phone.
We didn't share an email address either. I had a life of 40 years before I married him and there are things I discuss with friends (and they confide in me) that was outside of my relationship to my husband.
Of course we had 'secrets' in that I had no idea about the majority of his relationship with his ex wife. He had no idea about much of my previous life. We shared what was important at the time we were together.
He passed away suddenly I think I would have found out anything then. He was as he was.

Behonest32 · 07/07/2024 08:04

Whatmonth · 06/07/2024 22:48

We have been married for over 45 years.
He has access to mine and I have access to his phone.
Surely if you are married or in a loving relationship there should be no secrets.

We have access via PIN codes and I also have access to his phone as he leaves it in rooms with me when showering - I don't go through it because I don't feel the need as his actions are reassuring.

I think it would be a huge red flag to keep it totally away from partner. Why would you do that if you're not up to anything?

SallyWD · 07/07/2024 08:05

I find having access to his phone a weird concept. I mean it's not like he keeps it under lock and key but at the same time I don't have any need to access it. I have my own phone.
Occasionally he'll ask me to check something on it, 8f he's driving or something. He's not secretive with it.