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Original poster

Huge crush on on co worker

37 replies

UserNameOfShame · 03/07/2024 19:15

Name changed for this as I'm so embarrassed and have identifying info in previous posts.

As the title suggests I have a massive crush on a co worker and I need some advice as to how to get over it.

It's ridiculous, we are both married, I don't think he is interested in the slightest, I have no intention on acting on it but i just cannot get him out my head. It started at the christmas party when we spent ages chatting and kind of bonded, I thought it would be a flash in the pan, but here we are 7 months later and my feelings are getting stronger.

We work very closely together, in the office side by side most of the week, and when WFH we have several meetings and calls each day, so I can't escape him.

He's funny, he laughs at my jokes, we get on so well (so do the rest of the team to be fair, we are very close knit)

Short of leaving my job, which I don't want to do, I love it and the team, what the bloody he'll do I do to get over this?

And also, do you think he is likely to know? I'm worried he can read my thoughts or see it in my face when I look at him. I would be mortified if I thought he knew.

For full disclosure, my marriage is fine. Not great, I'm feeling the monotony of life with young kids, a bit bored and stuck in a rut and sex is a rare event these days. Could be part of the reason for the crush I suppose.

Yes I am aware I sound like a teenager. I'm in my 40s.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 03/07/2024 19:17

Just get to him.

It’ll pass.

Eminybob · 03/07/2024 19:27

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 03/07/2024 19:17

Just get to him.

It’ll pass.

What do you mean "just get to him" ?

Eminybob · 03/07/2024 21:14

Anyone have any advice?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
WingBingo · 03/07/2024 21:16

In my experience, it will pass, eventually.

just be very mindful not to be alone outside of work, ever.

Arlanymor · 03/07/2024 21:32

That’s the beauty of a crush, it’s a fantasy not based on reality.

In crush world, he would sweep you off your feet, pay mad attention to you, be everything that you want. Ride a white horse, do a Mr Darcy in a lake…

In the real world, he’s a nice distraction and you get along well, but his feet smell like everyone else’s, he picks his nose, he’s one of those people who eats sweets with wrappers on in the cinema… he’s a normal bloke who, as you say, is married and not interested in you in the slightest.

Crushes are harmless, mistaking them for something more is not harmless. Talking about leaving your job is drastic, I think you need to bring yourself down to earth with a bit of a bump on that score. Focus on your marriage and what needs to change there, you can appreciate what is nice about this guy as a colleague but nothing more.

I’m not being mean by the way, I have a crush on a guy who doesn’t work for my organisation, but for an organisation we are closely involved with. So we aren’t colleagues and we’re both single, but no way would I go there because of the work connection, even if it is at arms length. Instead I just enjoy when we get a chance to talk as he’s a very interesting guy with lots of integrity and kindness, and his face doesn’t exactly hurt my eyes.

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 21:38

From experience:

Get out
Get out
Get out

Run very fast and far away.

FlyingontheGround · 03/07/2024 21:45

I felt like this about someone earlier in the year. It was making me utterly miserable and I couldn’t get my head straight. It did pass but not before I realised that for me, it was the manifestation of unmet needs in my marriage.

Original poster
UserNameOfShame · 03/07/2024 21:47

Thanks for the replies.

@Arlanymor that's where I was, just enjoying spending time with him and the slight buzz, but the last couple of weeks it's ramped up and I can't stop thinking about him.

@CosFuckThatGuy why? I have no intention of acting upon this. I don't want to leave my job. I just want to shake this off.

OP posts:
VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 21:51

So I'd say indulge it for like an hour in your head and then the next time you see him you will be so mortified and embarrassed that you entertained it that it will have released it in a safe way 😂

Having said that, I'm single and you may have deeper things to look at.

Or, it may just be that he's cute, that's all. Lots of guys are cute. Doesn't have to mean anything.

Maybe work on getting excitement in your life.

Arlanymor · 03/07/2024 21:55

UserNameOfShame · 03/07/2024 21:47

Thanks for the replies.

@Arlanymor that's where I was, just enjoying spending time with him and the slight buzz, but the last couple of weeks it's ramped up and I can't stop thinking about him.

@CosFuckThatGuy why? I have no intention of acting upon this. I don't want to leave my job. I just want to shake this off.

But you can regulate it - I do. I like this guy but then I remember (a) there is a work connection (b) I don’t know him at all outside of the work connection, just how he comes across professionally (c) I would never do anything to jeopardise my job or potentially compromise him. Believe you me, when you go through those steps in your head it does help you to focus and bring it down a notch. You have even more reason (d) you are married.

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 21:57

Fair enough. From my own experience it doesn't go away because you're always in such proximity; your feelings leak out eventually and either he doesn't reciprocate and you're humiliated, or he does reciprocate and you're in a very very dangerous position.

Arlanymor · 03/07/2024 22:00

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 21:57

Fair enough. From my own experience it doesn't go away because you're always in such proximity; your feelings leak out eventually and either he doesn't reciprocate and you're humiliated, or he does reciprocate and you're in a very very dangerous position.

Or you grab hold of yourself. We’re not helpless, we have choices. It’s like that old saying, you can’t help who you fall in love with, but you CAN help what you do about it. I’m not saying it is easy, but as an adult with agency you need to set your own boundaries and behave responsibly within those boundaries. She’s married, it’s not exactly a hard choice, focus on the marriage and why it is not fulfilling her currently. This guy is a distraction from her home life.

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 22:05

Yeah he's a distraction from her pedestrian marriage. That's what I found too.

Worst couple of years of my life.

You can choose not to act on feelings, but emotions can't be switched on and off easily, particularly when you spend more time with a colleague than your own husband.

DeepGreenLeaves · 03/07/2024 22:08

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 21:57

Fair enough. From my own experience it doesn't go away because you're always in such proximity; your feelings leak out eventually and either he doesn't reciprocate and you're humiliated, or he does reciprocate and you're in a very very dangerous position.

Or he does reciprocate but then, when it comes down to it, he doesn't. Then you're humiliated and in a dangerous position! I learnt the hard way on this one. Which was the only way I could learn, because I wasn't going to just talk myself out of it. All I can advise is try and get some interesting new projects into your life, mention your husband and his wife a lot (and not in a negative way either, but as if all parties are blissfully married to someone wonderful), and do all you can to distance yourself from this guy - and I don't mean see him a little less but flirt on Teams all day, I mean actually put some emotional distance by going against all normal human instincts and grabbing the chance to let any awkwardness or chilliness develop. That's a tiny fraction of what would happen if he actually broke your heart or your marriage, so it's a small price to pay.

Chocaholicnightmare · 03/07/2024 22:12

Enjoy the crush for what it is, but don't play with fire- I know you're saying you don't want to act on it, but you need to distance your emotions, because if it ever went further, the reality could be a car crash

Bettedaviseyes111 · 03/07/2024 22:16

You’re just having a grass is greener fantasy … it isn’t. Distance yourself from him and don’t interact, if your marriage is generally fine you need to set a boundary here and make sure nothing even remotely like flirting happens.

Arlanymor · 03/07/2024 22:17

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 22:05

Yeah he's a distraction from her pedestrian marriage. That's what I found too.

Worst couple of years of my life.

You can choose not to act on feelings, but emotions can't be switched on and off easily, particularly when you spend more time with a colleague than your own husband.

I totally get that, I have emotions! But she asked for advice and mine is to NOT act on those feelings and to recognise them for what they are. I’m not telling anyone to turn anything off, I am reminding them that they have choices in how they act. Believe you me I would love to say: “Hey Simon, we’re both single and frankly when I am near you I get very flustered because you are so funny and cute and intelligent and full of such integrity and decency and you work so damn hard to make your community a better place… let’s go for meal, or drinks, or whatever you want frankly because your dimples alone drive me crazy.”

But what I say is: “So good to catch up with you, it was great to hear that your funding application for the new project was successful. We’ll have to get a time in the diary to think about how best to promote the good work and drum up some more support.”

Wish44 · 03/07/2024 22:21

Imagine him picking his nose and eating it or other such gross habits. Imagine him grumpy. Notice his worst points and then fixate on those. It will pass. I had a crush at work and now when I look at him I can’t believe he used to occupy every waking hour in my head..

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 22:21

Yeah I get that @Arlanymor and it's less dangerous maybe if you just fancy the guy and have the odd fantasy about him.

The difference is when actual real feelings creep in, then it becomes a serious threat to your marriage/mental health/career. For me, all of the above.

FeistyFrankie · 03/07/2024 22:25

Hmm. I was convinced that everything was fine, it was just a crush, me and my ex had a good relationship. I was kidding myself. The crush symbolised what I wasn’t getting out of my relationship, that my needs weren’t being met.

As an absolute minimum you need to switch jobs and never speak to this man ever again. And address what isn’t going so well in your marriage and fix it. Otherwise another “crush” like this will appear at some point and then you’ll realize that while you’ve been fantasizing about some new guy, you’ve been slowly falling out of love with your husband and, by that point, divorce is inevitable.

Fiery30 · 03/07/2024 22:26

Perhaps investing in your marriage will help. Why is your life boring and sex so rare? You need to start seeking those answers and making an effort in your relationship. Is your husband feeling it too? An honest conversation might be needed. Bring back the romance in your life, through being affectionate, going on date nights, or starting a new hobby/activity.

Arlanymor · 03/07/2024 22:31

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 22:21

Yeah I get that @Arlanymor and it's less dangerous maybe if you just fancy the guy and have the odd fantasy about him.

The difference is when actual real feelings creep in, then it becomes a serious threat to your marriage/mental health/career. For me, all of the above.

I’m definitely not downplaying what you went through, I think it’s more that the OP is at the tipping point and can stop those real feelings before they start? To put the brakes on as early as possible?

I really hope you’re fully recovered from what sounds a terrible experience for you. I think it’s great that you’re sharing the benefit of your experience to help someone else out and hope that it is not dredging up things for you.

Noseybookworm · 03/07/2024 22:32

Distance yourself from him, keep contact to strictly necessary for work only. Keep your head down and concentrate on your work! It will pass, if you don't fuel it. Make an effort to regulate yourself when you find your thoughts drifting towards him. Perhaps you need to make an effort to improve things in your marriage? Direct your energies towards spending time with your partner and remembering why you got together in the first place.

CosFuckThatGuy · 03/07/2024 22:38

Thanks @Arlanymor I think we're pretty much agreeing 😁

I'm ok, but could have easily lost so much, it's easy to fall into the new person becoming the one you talk to and turn to and have lunch with and travel with; home feels less like home all of a sudden.

And if you're the OP and your marriage isn't in top condition, that's a massive iceberg to sail towards.

Original poster
UserNameOfShame · 04/07/2024 04:35

Thank you to so many of you for sharing your experiences. If nothing else it's good to know I'm not alone. Some really good advice.

I do take steps to avoid, I never book the desk directly next to him, if I have a question I'll try and ask someone else. I need to stop laughing at all his daft jokes next and all the involuntary glances in his direction. (This is the worst, I'm so conscious he will notice but I can't help it)

I'm on holiday in a couple of weeks, time to spend time with the family, reset, and hopefully not think about him for a week.

OP posts: