seeking a ghosts opinion

[outofbattery]

I'm trying to understand why a long-term friend might ghost someone, and I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has done this to a friend themselves.

Recently, my husband's best friend and I discovered that we've both been ghosted by people we were incredibly close to, close enough to be each other’s bridesmaids. She had been friends with hers for over 30 years, while my friendship lasted more than 20 years. In her case, the ghosting happened immediately after her wedding. For me, it was a slower process.

My friend and I live in different countries and didn’t speak frequently, but we made an effort to meet up once a year. After my wedding (where she was a bridesmaid) I reached out a few times without any response. Later, I found out through another friend’s social media that she had a baby about a year after my wedding. Not being on social media myself, I hadn’t known. I sent her a baby gift, and she reached out to thank me. We had a brief but lovely catch-up.

Several months later, I messaged her about a summer road trip my family and I were taking, mentioning where we were going and that we could visit her since we'd be passing by her place. She replied, saying she was sad because they’d be out of town during that time. Later, I found out that she was actually just five minutes away from our location during our trip. Shortly after that, she blocked me on WhatsApp.

Both my husband’s friend and I are hurt and confused. There was no argument or falling out that we know of, yet we’ve been completely cut off. If you’ve ever ghosted a long-term friend, could you share why you made that decision? What were your thoughts and feelings? I really don't want to judge, it just seems so extreme to cut someone off after 20-30 years of friendship without any clear reason, and we’re hoping to gain some insight into what might lead someone to do this. We've both reached out to try and find out directly from the person, but in my case either my letter didn't arrive or it was ignored, and in the other case the friend who was asked didn't want to get involved/be a go between. Which feels fair enough.

Would also appreciate any ideas for finding closure and acceptance on the situation.

Hi @outofbattery,

Im partly bumping for you as I would never do this.

However, I’ve seen so many posters on here say ‘block and delete’ or ‘go non-contact’ to others for such small basic situations. Including about peoples partners/family. I think some people are incredibly cowardly and self centered and unable to speak to others honestly. They seem to think it’s their right to block and move on and expect the other person to accept never knowing why.

In your friends case as it was close after the wedding I suspect either she was a bit of a bridezilla and the bridesmaid was unhappy during the process but didn’t speak up. Otherwise if the girl didn’t have a partner or was in a different stage of life it might have been jealousy. In your case it’s really hard to say. Perhaps she no longer felt it was worth the distance but very odd to not meet you or tell you about the baby.

I’ve been in the situation before too and I know how hurtful it is. In my case it’s always been because the other person wants to do something which will hurt me and doesn’t want to face speaking about it so would rather cut off the friendship. It’s horrible to go through and difficult to get over.

This is not the kind of post I was expecting when I opened the thread 😬

Thanks for the replies. @MeinKraft I had no idea what to call it 😅 but can see how the title might have been misleading/confusing.

@Squiggles23 thanks for the insight. I'd also never do it, but I'm often honest to the point of awkwardness which can also bring it's own downsides!!! It's sad, I miss my friend and also can't help hashing over our whole relationship wondering if I inadvertently did something which caused upset/deserved this treatment. The closest I can think is that I was usually the one to keep in touch then after becoming a mum and going through a bereavement I was very depressed and didn't have the energy to reach out as much as I would usually have. I also didn't share where I was at. I handled the whole thing very unhealthily. That's when I left social media. Basically didn't leave my house or speak to anyone outside of my home for months whilst I processed everything. So perhaps she felt abandoned or something?! But then it doesn't tally with the fact that she then talked to me so kindly after I sent the gift and was chatting about logistics for us coming to see her (we could have been flexible on the date trying to work around their plans so the chat went on for a few days before we realised it wasn't going to work out). Felt like the ghosting came from nowhere after that. I know it's not healthy to dwell on it though as it won't actually provide any answers. Just sucks that I'll probably never know. She's genuinely my oldest friend. Makes me sad looking at all my wedding photos and things now. Bleugh.

I ghosted someone after my wedding. She wanted to be the centre of attention to be on her at all times and did not like that I was obviously getting attention on the wedding day so caused a scene. The more and more I thought about it I realised this was a recurring theme and it was very me, me, me all the time and just generally taking all the time.

I just decided to keep low contact but when I had a baby shower for my son a year later she messaged me saying she was hurt she wasn’t included. I blocked her there and then.

In my case she was toxic and I felt anxious when I had any dealings with her. So I blocked her with no explanation. I wanted to shield my son from that and also protect my mental health in doing so.

OP sometimes people just turn off their feelings. Due to upset, boredom, jealousy, meanness, trouble in other areas of their life making them hard/cruel/unable to manage relationships… but there’s not always ‘one’ reason. Sometimes people just tire of being around someone too much, and equally people sometimes just tire of maintaining long distance friendship. Sometimes people ‘change’ - not that they mature, or that I’m trying to suggest you’re immature - and they just outgrow a friendship. This happens a lot and I think a lot of people just carry on keeping the person at a slight arms length to not cause a stir, but sometimes they fully ghost.

I feel for you and understand why you made this post but I don’t think you’ll get your closure here.

I don't believe in ghosting people but I've done it once. I went through a major loss and, a year later, revised my entire friendship group. Anyone who hadn't taken the time to ask me how I was doing even once that year was erased on the spot. They clearly weren't good friends. No regrets.

I did this once but not completely intentionally. I went low contact with a couple of friends who I’d realised were pretty toxic and having a negative effect on my mental health. Once I stepped back from our friendship circle I realised how much better I felt. (I remained very close to the other members of the circle because they also felt the same, that the other two weren’t who we thought they were). The two who I had distanced myself from never once asked me if I was ok or if anything was going on. I would speak to them if I saw them but I didn’t directly text them and things like that. Eventually though, one of them would blank me completely if I stopped to chat so that’s when I made the decision to just cut off completely. (Or I guess she made the decision for me really). A year or so later the same one sent me a ranting text about how I’d ghosted them without explanation and that I was a shitty person but I genuinely never intended to fully ghost them. It was only after she started to blank me that I actually did that.

I’m sorry you were ghosted, it can’t be very nice at all. I haven’t ever ghosted someone but a friend of mine ghosted a mutual friend many ago. She just didn’t want to be friends and found the person quite draining and negative to be around. I saw both sides of it; I also found the mutual friend hard work but could see how hurt she was about the abrupt loss of contact.
People online can tell you their reasons for ghosting but the only person who can give you an answer is the person who did it to you and even then it may not be truthful. I’d say that in some situations, it can be more about them and their situation than anything you have done.

Same 🤣 I was so excited to be reading about an agony aunt spirit.

My godmother did this. She lost her wee baby, then her parents, and then just suddenly stopped contacting altogether. I don’t think she had been well before however suspect she must have had a breakdown. Remember my mum saying she rang her several times and she was hung up on. Either that or my mum offended her which isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.

Not heard from her since I was 14, which is a shame, I remember her being such a lovely lady, as was her husband. I’m named after her, I’ve still got stacks of photos of her family and sleep with the teddy she gave me at birth, despite being in my thirties.

I did send her a letter via Facebook a few years ago but nothing. I don’t have any contact details at all now and her sons definitely won’t remember me. It’s frustrating but I’ve just sort of said to myself she’s obviously had her reasons and doesn’t deel
comfortable sharing them. I really hope she’s happy though, her Facebook profile suggests she is, so fingers crossed.

I'm confused.

Your husband's best friend is a woman?

And you and that best friend have been ghosted by the same person (person 3) or are you saying you've both experienced ghosting, but from different people?

I'm wondering, if person 3 thinks there's something between your DH and woman 2. Because that appears to be the only link between you all that I can see that could lead to ghosting.

Why mention your husband anyway? Why not just say person 2 is a friend.

All very wierd.

I slow faded an old friend after I was bridesmaid at her wedding. Over the years I'd come to realise that she was stroppy and caused a lot of drama and had zero self awareness of it. She was quite inconsiderate of others and took offence at others very easily.

I put up with if for a long time, but in the run up to her wedding she did various things which cemented my feelings about her. Like complaining that one of the other bridesmaids (who had a young child with disabilities and was under a huge amount of stress) couldn't travel half way across the country to accompany her to try on wedding dresses on a particular Saturday rather than having any empathy for the friend and making do with 3 of the 4 bridesmaids whilst wishing the 4th well.

I actually wanted to ditch her before the wedding, but that felt cruel, particularly as she had some serious wider family issues on at the time too. So I carried on for the wedding and hoped she would calm down afterwards. She didn't, and I'd had enough, so I just gradually stopped getting in contact and started taking longer to respond etc and now we've not spoken in years. I miss the nice things about her, but not the drama

I'm sure if anyone asked she would have no appreciation at all that her behaviour was what caused it.

My ex slept with a girl at work almost two years before we split for other reasons. Turned out my friend group (since childhood) knew the whole time and not one of them told me. I cut the whole group off.

I was told by a distant acquaintance in the end, how humiliating. I don't regret it but it did break my heart. I can't trust people anymore.

Maybe you have different ideas of what friendship is? Very infrequent communication and an annual meeting might mean you've become more of an acquaintance to her than a friend. Also friendships wax and wane over time and distance. She was a few miles from you on that trip but there could be many reasons why she didn't want to or couldn't meet up with you. Perhaps ghosting was easier to her than dealing with your hurt response if she'd told you?

I ghosted a friend of almost 20yrs, six years ago.

She'd always been a drama queen. I didn't mind that. It took my mind off my own problems and I was happy to help her. Seven years ago, I went through a traumatic period which has left me with diagnosed CPTSD. She turned her back on me when I desperately needed help and essentially ghosted me. I ended up having to move away.

Christmas, six years ago, she sent a text to my adult DC. She begged him to ask me to get in touch with her (I'd blocked her) because she missed me and needed me. I told him to delete and block, he did with no reply back.

Put yourself in their shoes . Your ex and this woman would have denied it and you would have believed them and shot the messenger. It was an awkward situation.

I had a friendship couple who were always arguing - he had been accused of having girlfriends at work, that kind of thing. They had kids around the same age as mine so now and then would do play dates. During Brexit her husband became a huge Leaver and used to post on my social media to argue his point etc. They had a wedding anniversary coming up around my birthday. On my birthday my bike tyre was flat and we had planned a trip, so I put something on my social media asking about replacing inner tubes. I get a text from him saying to come over and he will fix it for me - I'm thrilled because I now might be able to do my nice birthday with DC and head over there and also a tiny bit of expectation that this is because it's my birthday so I can see my friend and have a nice chat while he fixes it. Nope! I get there and he makes it clear I shouldn't go in the house - literally sets up outside the front with my bike. I was 🤔and asked about his wife/kids, vague answers. He's halfway through showing me what to do and I'm helping. Suddenly she comes flying out shouting at me about using her husband and some snarky comments about not coming over again - I'm confused and gobsmacked to be honest but walk away as she is clearly upset, he puts the bike in the car and I drive off. Later I get a message from her that they had got the present I sent him and I had no business sending him gifts - I was 😳until I realised I had sent them anniversary gifts via Amazon and clearly only some had arrived...over the next 2 days the rest arrived and I got a fairly sheepish thank you. I have never spoken to them again because she clearly thought I was that kind of person. I don't think she even realised it was my birthday to be honest, which spoke volumes.

It wasn’t a really long term friendship but I ghosted someone. She was just so self absorbed and seemed to want to use me as free “therapy”. Every time I saw her it was just constant about her problems. I had some pretty heavy things happen to me during the time I knew her, which she knew about, but she didn’t give a shit.

She moved quite far away and I knew she had no reason to come back to our area. So the next time she messaged me (again about her problems!) I just ignored it.

"Put yourself in their shoes . Your ex and this woman would have denied it and you would have believed them and shot the messenger. It was an awkward situation."

No, I wouldn't have. I trusted my closest friend implicitly. More fool me.

Are you asking me to clarify whether my husband's best friend is a woman, or confused by the fact that he has a female best friend? My best friend is a man. Is that also confusing?

I called her my husband's best friend as that's what she is. She's lovely, but in the grand scheme of things they've been friends for years, they hang out without me, she lives in his home country so I've met her maybe a dozen times. Honestly I didn't even think about how to refer to her, was just explaining who I was having the chat with.

She was ghosted by someone, and I was ghosted by someone. Two separate people doing the ghosting, two separate stories.

Hope that answers some of your queries.

Thanks for the insight, sometimes it's helpful to see the logical thought in black and white from an external source.

Sometimes a relationship has run its course. If your lives have moved on in different directions or whatever brought you together no longer applies, the friendship can just wither away.

Unlike past generations when friendships were conducted face to face, we now negotiate contact by phone, text, social media, messaging etc. So if you should no longer want to hear from someone, it’s fairly easy to step away.

The ease with which it’s done doesn’t reflect how painful it can be.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by being ghosted. I suppose it’s small consolation to say you’re better off without them.

Thank you. That is the message I gave to my children. I'd far rather have friends who want to make the effort and remain friends rather than chasing those who have chosen to exit stage right. But it is still sad. I think she'll always be someone I think about. She's in most of my wedding photos, there are many songs which remind me of fun times together, her kids have popular names so we meet others with the same names often! Lots of prompts which would usually result in me getting in touch in a 'this made me think of you' way. Ah well.

Wowee!! Sounds like you dodged a bit of a bullet there.

For me, it comes down to the fact that there is no set way of ending a friendship.

Breaking up with a romantic partner is a standard thing to do, but people don't really talk about ending friendships. Where I have ended friendships I have told them that I don't want to see them again, but it was actually really, really, really difficult to do. If I had been even slightly less of a confrontational person, I could well imagine ghosting being an option.

In the situations, where I have ended friendships, other people have suggested a slow fade, and to my mind that is very very similar to ghosting.