Feeling lost - DC are teens and don’t want me

[Ladywinesalot]

I’m mid 40’s and feeling a little lost.
my DC are teens and don’t need me apart from cooking/cleaning and being taxi service.

Im coming back from work with not much to do and feeling empty.

I go to the gym before work and I don’t want to do lots of drinking socials.

what’s everyone else do with their time?

Yes I get where you're coming from. You can have friends and hobbies but it's the extra time on your hands when you're home and they're in bedrooms on phones or out with friends at the weekends. It is definitely an adjustment period and I don't want to fill my empty time being out doing stuff all the time as that is exhausting!

Not sure what the answer is - they do say teens come back to you in later teen years when we're seen as less embarrassing.

@Ladywinesalot

They do come back.
I have lots of interests, never short of anything to do but my son leaving home for university last year really hit me for 6.
Strangely enough I really missed him screeching at the footie and the F1 ! The silence can be deafening.

He is home for the summer, we have had a lovely trip to Copenhagen and are off to Cornwall next week. He is being very helpful round the house and allotment.
Over the last year or so we have shifted to a much more adult relationship. We are not dependent on each other, we do our own thing, but also find things we can do together.
It takes time, it's a big adjustment, but I really like this time in our lives now

@Ladywinesalot

He still shouts at the TV though, and I still find it very irritating!

This is so normal and natural. They do need you there - the pot plant parenting years. You’ll prob spend more time with them over the summer holidays and be slightly relieved when they go back to school!

I'm the same as you OP, in that my kids are teens, but I'm absolutely LOVING not having to do so much for them! Maybe it's because I'm a little bit older than you and at 50 I'm seriously enjoying having more time to myself? I dunno, but I would just say, develop your own life more and start looking to the future, which will belong you once again. My kids are both away atm and it's bliss

They do still need you. It’s just in a different way.
What about an evening class once a week. Or even an online course?

Same. My 20 year old just left to live in Germany, today! Very tearful farewells. Very.

We go camping a lot. Got loads of hobbies to keep us busy.

Mine have a horse and I cannot imagine a time they don't need me or I'll have a weekend free until they can fund it themselves and drive a horse box. If you're feeling you want something to share then there's a sport to suggest 😅

It’s a hard “no”

I started horse riding. Only sport I've ever actually liked. It doesn't feel like exercise when you're doing it but you feel it afterward. Got me fitter, got me socialising, ridiculously fun and takes up my evening in a flash.

I get the love of horses, but honest to God, far too much responsibility for me.
I need to be a little selfish

Haha no responsibility either! I ride the school horses. All I have to do is tack up, ride, untack. I can groom if I want to or I can feed them treats, cuddle them, play games with them get them hopped up and hyperactive then hand them back. 😂

I'm sitting with my 4 adult kids in the home 2 of them share. I'm reading and faffing whilst they're all playing an RPG. We've been for a wander together round the city they live in and it's lovely. Right now, they're healthily separating from you as they make, and that's the nurtured upbringing you've given them to have the confidence to do so. Mine did the same and I have a lovely, close relationship with them all now.

It's a bit of a transitional period you're in. Throw in a drop in oestrogen and you can feel a bit at sea whilst you adjust, but you do adjust. You just gradually start doing stuff by yourself as you don't have to think about sorting kids and have more control over your time.

I read loads, go to an art group, pub quiz. I also binge watch box sets with my eldest who still lives with me.

I can eat ice cream for dinner, have a long soak in the bath, do what I want on a whim.

This is what you're heading towards. In the meantime, get a cat or 2 kittens. You'd probably see more of your teens if 2 kittens 😉.

@Babadook76 is feeling bitter I suppose from being in the trenches. Have to say I'm also in the trenches so I'm jealous too op, it's a problem I'd love to have but I'm years away from that! Obv saying that is not helpful to you though.

Group sports could definitely be a winner. There are tons of evening classes at colleges and universities to learn a language or a new skill (online too). You could up your hours if you like your job, or get yourself a project: doing up your garden or house. Or volunteer if you like. Lots of options. Make yourself a list of films or books for your down time.

Where is your DH if you are so lonely in the evenings?

Yes, you’re right. I should LTB

I've found pouring a glass of wine and firing up a movie in an effort to chill out a sure fire way to draw a teen out of their room with a particularly enthusiastic political announcement, a new discovery on a topic of particular interest, a blow by blow account of a social situation or just a relaxed chat around existential dread.🤷🏼‍♀️

@Peelingpotatoes
I agree. I've spent all days wiping the nose of and getting snacks for a grumpy poorly four year old and I'm bloody worn out. Early 40s. Grass is always greener tho. My mum constantly says I'll miss this and won't know what to do with myself ironically.
OP what about a hobby like paddle boarding, learning a language? Def get a dog. We have a needy one. Or we could trade places for a day if you like snotty pre-schoolers!

Ohhh I miss preschoolers!
I met my friend the other day for a walk with her toddler and I just wanted to keep her and play!

I don't thinking the issue is 'keeping busy' I think it is about meaning and identity.

It's a teenager's sworn duty to be sullen, morose and to tell their parents that they hate them.

Something to do with hormones, or so they say.

Get a dog. A dog will love you like Jesus and will never tire of having its tummy tickled.

Read, watch TV, go to the gym, see friends. Whatever I want. I'm only 34 so plenty of life to live yet!

Learn a foreign language!! You can do this via online group classes or in person. This way you’re exercising your brain too! Also, you could then plan visits to the country and look forward to them!

I have two teens.

Usually Monday evenings they do what they like
Tuesday I pin them to the kitchen table with laptops to do their homework, we have radio 4 news on and their ears prick up at some items so we talk about that, over dinner we read various articles from weekend/weekly newspapers and magazines, either light-hearted stuff, agony aunt problems or something "related" to them, young adults, education, etc

I have been known to drag out poetry books or show them the "latest" youtuber I have heard of to rolling eyes and "god this is so lame" although we did work through a lengthy "sigma man" article recently, I learnt a lot.

We switch off their devices 9-10pm when they then join us for the current box set, it's presently Lucifer and back programmes of Last Week Tonight but we finished Elementary recently.

Once I have fed, talked, made sure bags and what is going on the next day is sorted it's about this time. I am scrolling here and reading newspapers or book. I am enjoying getting an hour or so to feed my brain with my choice of information in the evenings for a bit now, so have an art "biography" of Paris in early 1900s, history of world philosophy and a novel on the go. I decide on the day what I am in the mood for.

I sketch, research recipes, hand sew (occasionally) repairs.

And am currently quite into spoken word (modern poetry) and catching up on comedian stand ups that were non-PG!

We also book theatre tickets, but obviously limited to funds and stuff we want to see locally.

These are normal work/school day evenings. Weekends, holidays a bit different.

Seems a little extreme 😂

Your posts just read as though you are single that’s all.
I just wondered whether there is something you could do together. So many couples on MN appear to build their own separate lives/hobbies as they can’t get out easily together when the kids are little. Then it persists and they are like housemates by the time they retire.

If he’s on a submarine 6 months of the year you might have to crack on though!