Would you say anything to daughter re boyfriend/breakup?

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

Our daughter is nearly 14 and a very private person. On Friday she met a boy after school to wander the shops, came back and admitted/told us he was her boyfriend. A big admission for her, first boyfriend. He hasn't been mentioned since.

Turns out that that evening he called it off. She hasn't said anything, but told her friends one of whom's mother has told me.

My dilemma is, do I say anything to her? I can't decide if my 13 yr old self would have rather it wasn't acknowledged, or whether she'd like me to recognise what's happened?

Like I say, she's quite a private person with us, doesn't tell us a lot, which is why it's quite sad that this happened just after she did have the confidence to tell us about it 🤦‍♂️ I'm her mum and want to offer her love and commiserations etc, but then am I respecting her privacy more by not mentioning him again unless she does?

Teenagers are new to me!

Hmmm, I can’t imagine my 13yr old being allowed to have full privacy around boyfriends and potentially dangerous (emotionally at least) areas of life at this age. But also my relationship with my kids is quite open so maybe that’s just our personalities. But I would see dating at 13 as something I would somewhat (gently) oversee.

Can you imagine a conversation starter on it? Or just a big hug to say sometimes life is hurtful if you think she’s feeling hurt? All these things are rights of passage but at 13 I’d expect to still have a pretty close eye on them and a right to hear and talk to them about what’s going on.

Say nothing. If she wants you to get involved she'd have mentioned it to you.

Having raised two DDs my own view is that with teenage girls parents know what they want you to know.

Well, when she came down this morning I mentioned to her that I had heard he wasn't a 'thing' any more, and she kind of laughed and said yes. She also said she was good though and we had a laugh about mothers never revealing their sources.

I was torn between wanting to show an interest and let her know she is loved, and not wanting to draw attention to it because if she's anything like me, she wouldn't want sympathy or attention. So hopefully our brief chat has found a balance there, it won't be mentioned again from our side.

Ah bless her. The good thing is that she knows that people are keeping an eye out for her so hopefully anything in future that she’s worried about she’ll talk to you before someone else does!

It sounds like you’ve handled it anyway but at 14 I would have been mortified to admit the guy I had JUST told my parents about broke up with me! So that might be why she hadn’t told you.

This was my thought, even as a grown up I never shared information like this in case it ended in a break up. Which is why I wondered about not mentioning it/so it would seem inconsequential to her. But then at the same time how to show her that what happens in her life is important to us!

I think as much as you can just try to keep those lines of communication open and encourage chatting in an easy going way. I was always so close to my mum because she really raised me to know that she is always on my side, even when I’ve done something silly, so I always confided in her about relationships etc because I knew she’d never judge me for anything and always made me feel better. I’m 26 now and have been with my husband since we were 15, a rocky start as all teen relationships can be and my mum always jokes now about all the times I ran to her in those early days and we spent the nights watching tv and eating whole tubs of ice cream, little did we know I’d still be with him 11 years later married with a baby🤣

Sounds like you handled it perfectly!

Well she’s not a grown up she is 13

It sounds OP she has learned to be very private - from you.

I’ve 3 daughters - eldest is 28 and youngest is still in primary. I made it my business to know what is going on in their lives as girls really do need to be protected - physically and emotionally.

Yes privacy is important but also is not shying away from uncomfortable conversations as keeping the lines of communication open is key in making sure they are ok.

If she has a bad experience with a boy how do you know you have done enough to make her feel safe in coming to you? You struggled to even let her know you loved her this morning. Obviously you do - but push past your own awkwardness and let her know you are there.

There is being private OP and there is also closed off. Being closed off and being secretive is not a safe place for teenager to hide in.

When you made the joke this morning about mothers never revealing their sources to me that was you displaying your secrecy. She may have felt spied on and people are talking behind her back.

Be open and honest with her so she can be open and honest with you.

Of course kids will keep things back but if you hold the door open and give real encouragement and empathy they normally do come though it and spill the beans.

Tell her that what happens in her life is important to you. Just say it.

But OP you really do need to have a chat with her about meeting boys. Girls are a lot more advanced now than they were 10 years ago. So her going for a coffee, Starbucks, walk ect.. with a lad is ok - IF she lets you know where they are going & who is going to be there. She should absolutely not being doing this in secret for her own safety. Finding out after the fact is not ok and shows either a level of immaturity or distrust/disconnect in you.

I’d definitely use this time to strengthen your bond or develop a ‘new’ relationship between you. One where she can discuss these issues with you with you both being awkward.

if you don't feel comfortable talking about boyfriends, what's going to happen when she's having sex (either now or in the future - I say now cause if you're not talking to her, how do you know?)
You need to get into the habit of discussing things, even if she's embarrassed or tells you to 'go away' (as my DD does). Check phone regularly etc.
Your DD could be an angel, but if you're not talking...how do you know?

Well, tbh I wouldn't say I would go as far as to say there is a disconnect between us. We know all her friends, they're all in and out of the house, she felt very comfortable telling me about periods, asking for sanitary items etc. I knew she was meeting the boy but hadn't realised until she told me that day that he was a boyfriend and not just a friend. It was very new, only that day/week.

She has a very active and busy life, she is at quite a high level in a pretty tough sport so we spend a lot of time ferrying her around, travelling for competitions etc so we do know most of what goes on in her life. I have access to her phone and do check periodically, which is partly how I found out they had split.

We talked briefly after school and she knows that I found out through her mate's mum, she wasn't embarrassed because our families have known each other for a decade now and are very close, she knows that when it comes to things like this secrets are not necessarily healthy, and when it comes to her well being there isn't necessarily any expectation of privacy.

What I was struggling with was whether to not say anything about the breakup and just not mention his name again, so it didn't feel like a big deal in her mind or whether to tell her I know and commiserate. I chose the latter, and she seems fine. She has a lot of very good friends that she talks to, all of whom I know. She also has a lot of loving adults in her life that keep an eye on her, between us, grandparents, friends' parents, sports coaches etc. She's well nurtured and thoroughly adored, all of which is is told and shown regularly.

I just didn't want to embarrass her is all!

I would just leave it as it is at the end of the day she is not marrying him and she just a 13 yr old who has had a boyfriend - can you remember having these I can!!! She will
have plenty of boyfriends over the years that will make an impact on her life and I can assure you at this age it will make
no difference to her life!!!

You check a 13 year olds phone? I think that sounds really intrusive. Teens really. Red their privacy unless there are real reasons for concern.

The fact that they are 13 is a concern so I’ll still be checking their phones at times at this age. So many kids of 13 are lost in bullying and pain, porn and violence, grooming etc. exclusively enabled by their phone. And they are amazing at hiding it from their parents. Phones are a privacy my kids can't have till older in our house. They can have their space, their thoughts, their real life conversations but not a closed phone.

I think is a real intrusion of privacy. I do understand the concerns having raised 3 teens. I can also tell you from experience that they will always be 2 steps ahead of you technology- wise. It doesn’t matter how tech savvy you are. My DH is in very senior IT role. They will get around you checking so it’s false sense of security.

I’d say something! Maybe mention it just privately to her at bed. I was a very private teenager but that was mostly because I didn’t know how to start talking about things, or I worried my loud family would start shouting about what I said so kept it to myself 😅 but prob would have been more open with my mum if she had tried to talk to me privately at times

Please shower her with a bit of extra love anyway.

It's not ok to check your teenager's phone. This reminds me of my mother reading my diary. Total invasion of privacy.

I'm fkn glad I did with my DD - was able to nip things in the bud regarding friendships and boys with the help of the school and police that could have gotten worse if I had not checked.
She's now getting As in her exams, heading to university next year, very nice boyfriend of 2 years from nice family (who obviously we've met and like), nice weekend job, and has actually voiced her thanks that I was 'so strict' when she was younger because she sees many of her former friends going the wrong way.

I can’t even remember the boys that I ‘went out with’ for a day or a week now (albeit more like 15/16 not 13 as I led quite a sheltered life), so hopefully it will be just the same for your daughter. Sounds like you have struck a good balance of letting her know you know but without going on about it and potentially embarrassing her.

My eldest is nearly a teen now and also quite private about girls etc (although also he isn’t particularly interested in girls yet as he hasn’t hit puberty), so we tend to joke about it a bit with him. I might ask who of his friends have ‘girlfriends’ and who has asked him out recently, and he’ll tell me funny stories about why people broke up (usually they just suddenly fancy someone else). I’m hoping that by normalising it now he’ll realise when he does choose to be boyfriend/girlfriend with someone, he can talk to us about it and we won’t make a big deal
of it. He’s had a few offers but always from
rather shy girls who have asked him out over text or via a friend and as he said, what would they talk about (as he is shy himself). I should say that at his (very small) school, having a girlfriend just means you chat to them at break time, it’s all very innocent still!

you absolutely should be checking your children's phones. Unless you have been living in a cave how can you not know how
much bullying, grooming and general nastiness they can be subjected to. Children have
killed themselves because if these things

Yes it is ok .times have changed , the dangers are different now

You are naive if you think you will find things on your teen’s phone they really want to hide. You are much better off by restricting their access either to a phone at all or locking down apps you don’t want them to access.

Its not me living in a cave on this thread!

Frogs