Neurodivergent & working full time with DC…

[neurospicymumma]

I’ve always thought I’m autistic but never got as far as actually asking the GP to refer me. The more I learn about ADHD the more that resonates too. I understand it’s common to have the two together.

I have worked full time since uni but it’s not always been easy and I find on busier work weeks I feel easily overwhelmed if I’m not careful. I suppose I just found I would tire faster and it’s tricky then when the procrastination / executive dysfunction comes in. I have a very flexible and understanding manager/team currently which helps. DH and family supportive too.

Considering my options for returning to work after maternity leave. I’d love to stay at home every day with our beautiful girl but financially that won’t be practical for us, or it would be but it would make finances tight and would give us less freedom to do nice things as a family. I also think it’s important my daughter sees me working too, and I don’t underestimate the value of having purpose through keeping up with my career.

That said, I have no idea how I’ll juggle it and be a mum without feeling utterly worn out. Planning on going back 4 days but I’m not sure if that’s ambitious? Me being stress-free, present and calm is preferable to extra money at the end of the day.

If you’re neurodivergent and work, how many hours do you do & would full time be too much for you?

Thank you.

Right. That's helpful.

They haven’t in me experience but that’s more because they also have an autistic child and the burnout from both is too much (and they need to be around for their children a lot more with reduced timetables and EHCP appeals amongst other things).

Well, they still need to support their children, even if juggling working with young children is more challenging than for someone who is neurotypical. Work doesn’t suddenly become optional.

I'm diagnosed with autism and adhd. I have 2 dc and I work one day a week, wfh. I couldn't manage ft work as I need time to myself to follow my own special interests, attend appointments, and to recover from the demands of parenting and running the house. DH is fully supportive and financially we're secure so it works for us. I get PIP at the highest rate which helps. I still have a career and set an example to the dc.

@GlassofIce

Well, they still need to support their children, even if juggling working with young children is more challenging than for someone who is neurotypical. Work doesn’t suddenly become optional.

More ableism

Some people can’t cope due to their disability. And she has a child to look after too. She’s asking if she can cope. Some can and some cannot. My husband struggles a lot more with autistic burnout now we have children so we have had to adapt things.

And you didn't answer, instead you chose to go off on a tangent of your own choosing.

OP, no I couldn't work full time even before children but it's an individual thing. Many neurodivergent people do work full time. Just be honest with yourself - and realistic.

Exactly. ‘I cope therefore everyone must be fine.’

It also depends on the nature of your work.

Also think about what you want from life. Talks to your employer about flexibility options. Good luck!

I have an AuAdhd diagnosis, haven't worked in paid employment for 8 years, have 3 children and am still managed to become burnt-out that I'm still in for over 3 years now.

I have found that it helps to reduce transitions within the day and to have a reduced work load that works for yourself but it has to be realistic, very very realistic and not plan too much because you feel you should.
Decluttering, organisation systems that work for you in real time ( not just note making on paper ) routines and a family schedule for life admin so not one single person is doing all of it helps.

It has nothing to do with mind over matter.

I haven't pursued a diagnosis but have traits. I'm part time, definitely couldn't cope FT (especially as my job requires me to be 'on' and is very draining) BUT I also really struggle with full days looking after my kids. So they are in childcare more than I work, which I feel guilty about. This thread kind of assumes that days off work will help an ND person recover from the week- but in my experience that's not the case if those days are spent on my own with the dc. As others have said though it's a tricky balancing act because if your kids have ND traits then they'll probably struggle in childcare more than other kids. I try to get around it by collecting them early, using family some of the time etc so they get enough rest, but it's always a balancing act and always leaves me feeling either wiped out (if I've been looking after them a lot on top of working) or guilty (if they've been in childcare a bit more so I can recover). There are no easy answers, at least not for me. Worth it though- I love my kids and my job

I'm autistic & have adhd. I struggled through full time work pre-diagnosis & children, but over the last 10 years can only work part time.

This can't be overstated. So much depends on the nature of the job & the neurotype (and temperament) of the kids. And support- or lack of- from a partner. I'm finding this thread v interesting

NC for this and it might not be helpful, but…

I was diagnosed autistic in my mid-40s. I have always worked FT and I love my job but as it’s got more senior I’ve really struggled with the pressure and generally feel burned out. Add to that the effects of perimenopause and it isn’t pretty.

One of the major things that made me think I might be autistic in the first place is that I’ve never managed to have a family or even a partner while working and in fact I can’t imagine how anyone does. After a day at work I just come home and literally need to be very quiet and by myself for hours. I have little in my life other than work and my own time alone and solo hobbies (I do have some friends but don’t see much of them) and I always used to think I was weird or deficient because of this, but the diagnosis when it came explains it.

I feel like I was always so desperate to be independent, and have such a strong special interest that I made into a career, that I traded this for having a family because I know I could never have done both. In fact, I think I could never have coped with the demands of children full stop. So I have no regrets. I‘m just currently trying to work at making my job a bit less stressful so I feel slightly less exhausted and burnt out all the time.

Sorry OP this isn't really related to your thread or helpful but @BlanketAnnouncement I relate to this so strongly. Especially your last paragraph. Personally I didn't think I'd ever get married or want kids or even have room for any of that stuff but it's worked out with my husband.

The trick is to share the load with your DH. Don't take it all on yourself. Have a conversation about what needs to be done and how you're going to split it up. Example, you can both drop to four days per week. You each get one day with DC and to catch up on house chores. I'd advise against giving up work completely.

Anyone who says a disability is “mind over matter” is an ableist twat. You can’t magically make yourself able to overcome your disability by mind over matter. Funny nobody ever says that to people who can’t walk! Only people with autism.

She's not got a diagnosis

OP isn't talking about giving up work.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39. I've found my happy medium in working 30 hours a week with a Wednesday off so I'm never at work more than two days in a row. Really helps with the overwhelm. Also I work one of my days at home which helps as well so I can focus on things that are more difficult to do in the office with a lot of distractions about.
I did work full time at one stage but it was before DC. Then when they came along I dropped down to 15 hours a week and then back up to 30. I'd struggle with full time now I think.

I do 28 hours over 5 days. Kids are school age now. I am permanently exhausted and the house is always a messy cuutter place. I wish I could be a tidy person. I think i held it together well enough until having kids, and then had to focus on them so much that nothing else would fit in my brain. The kids are struggling hugely with school and are often off, so that adds to the difficulty, when I would have hoped things would be less intense by now.

Thing is, my neurotypical friends are all exhausted too, I think it is part of how badly modern life has been designed for young families. I did hit burn out a few years ago and had a month off work. Pretty close to it again to be honest. But if I don't work then fun things like the mortgage and gas bill don't get paid, so cutting my hours is not an option.

The people I know who can’t walk work too. I have a colleague with advanced Parkinson’s, who uses a wheelchair and who is still working FT with a seven year old.

And I think it’s entirely ridiculous to compare a grave, actual illness/ impairment with an as yet undiagnosed OP who has never felt impacted enough by a condition she only suspects to even consider asking for a referral. Feeling overwhelmed at busy times and disinclined to go back to work after maternity leave doesn’t in any way constitute an actual disability.

This is really offensive. Maybe you haven’t met autistic people who get very unwell when they are burnt out. Vomiting, collapsing, severe depression. Are you autistic? Good for you that it doesnt affect you like it does some other people. I know plenty of unwell people who are not able to work and really would just die in poverty if there was no system to protect them. They would do anything to be able to work. Posts like yours are very upsetting.

I also know for a fact that some autistic people hold things together for a very long time until children are added to the mix and then they utterly fall apart. There is a reason it is classed as a disability and for the fact that we clearly still need a lot of awareness about the spectrum (colour wheel type spectrum) that is can be. I have one autistic child and one who is (so far) NT and they are a world apart in what life is doing to them and it breaks my heart. My poor husband has to work doubly hard to manage what a NT person can do. Don’t dismiss it like that. Op is asking how others manage and how they can cope. The point is, everyone is very different and she’s smart to actually discuss it before she becomes unwell.

Wow this is so ableist! Autism IS a grave actual illness/ impairment. If OP does have autism then yes it is an actual disability. And mental disabilities can sometimes be more incapacitating than physical ones.