I have been a shit mum

[Shitmum2024]

I feel like I have been a shit mum to my kids. More so the younger ones.

I post on here hell of alot because I have no-one else to talk to . But in a nut shell . I have spoken about DV situations regarding my DD. Social services involvement regarding dd and GS. About my own son who has emotional dysregulation, he tried to kill himself , he was violent and aggressive. To me. And that had a massive effect on everyone. It was awful. There's been phases of my house being a massive shit whole. I feel like there's so much more . Apart from my posting on here I have coped completely on my own. And honestly it's fucking hard.

Anyway alot of the time I have no energy I feel mentally, physically drained to fuck.
I hardly do anything with my younger kids. They are lucky if I take them to the park once a month. Although recently I have tried my best to take them once a week.

I get home from the school run around 4.15 time I have done dinner it's around 5.30 time they eat it's 6ish. By the time I'm all sored I feel so tired.

I don't drive so something that take 10 mins in a car will take me 40 mins and it feels like the end of the world.

They see their dad every other weekend. And he does loads with them, the beach, parks , soft play , eating out, cinema, zoo,farms, other days out ... he drives though and he lives with his mum so he just does all the fun bits.

I need to start doing proper stuff with them , living a normal life . Building proper memories with them . But I don't know where to start.

Should add I'm on folic acid for lack of iron.

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Well it sounds to me like you're fucking amazing actually!

One of my children tried to kill themselves a few times last year and to be honest our house has never been the same since.

I don't think we push them enough, we aren't as organised as we were with things like homework and housework; it just sort of made us all of kilter.

The fact that you're still running your house with all the effort that takes daily. And doing it alone. Is actually awesome.

Stop being so hard on yourself, really.

I remember your other posts. It sounds like the last few years have been massively tough for you and you have used so much strength to get your son and your family the support needed. That’s not what a shit mum does. You were prioritising your sons safety and the other children’s safety over a tidy home ( which is as it should be) and then you tackled your house as best you could.

Go easy on yourself. Give yourself a massive pat on the back for surviving this. And forget Disney Dad - how much of the hard work did he put in?

Do something lovely for your self when the kids are with their dad.

Thank you. I feel like I have done my best for my kids /adult kids etc that have needed me. And done my best to protect my other children etc.

But I feel like my younger kids have also missed out on normal stuff.

Thank you . I just think it's time to pick myself up and dust myself down and start living a normal life as best I can . There's still stuff going on but. Sometimes I need to set it aside and not let it rule my/our lives take it as it comes and be kind of normal. But it's hard to start.

Disney dad done fuck all. Took no responsibility for (anything)

It sounds tough op but you can start to rebalance now.
You don't have to do anything amazing for kids to have fun. Start small.
It's summer. Hopefully we'll have good weather. Take them to a park with a little picnic and a ball or frisbee and just play with them for a bit.
Or take a pizza and have dinner in the park.
Have a water fight in the garden.
Kids love their parents playing with them.
have a film night where you sit with them and watch a film all the way through with no phones for anyone.

How old are you op it might be peri starting.

@EstellaWaitHereForMe

I'm so sorry that your child tried to end his/her life . I hope things are getting better for them its a long road i think. But they will get there. I hope your OK to 💐

Folic acid is a type of B vitamin.

If you have an iron deficiency you should be on iron supplements. If they aren’t working you should get an iron infusion (via IV).

I think its something to do with the absorbing of the iron. Gp prescribed folic acid

Op I've been on many of your threads. I'm convinced that your main issue is the way you talk about yourself and see yourself. You're really mean and negative about everything you do and you're always beating yourself up, weather it's your parenting, housekeeping, little mistakes you've made. It's so sad to see you treat yourself like that because honestly I read your threads and think fuck me shes really turned that house around while I'm sitting on my arse scrolling on my phone - you've been a bit of inspiration for me and that's the truth!

Have you ever tried anything like cbt to help reframe your ways of thinking? I honestly think if you stopped giving yourself shit for being a normal human you'd feel so much better.

Try the book (or audio book) feeling good. It's Been helpful for me.

Sorry you’ve been through such a tough time. It sounds silly but maybe you can start really small with your younger kids. As simple as watching a TV show with them after school before starting the tea. Let them pick a show and sit down and watch it with them, no phone, no getting up, just sitting next to them and watching it. Ask them questions about it and show interest in it. It’s so simple but you’d be amazed how much it could make their day and it’s low energy so doable after a busy day.
Then start to have a weekend tradition of walking to the park and having a packed lunch. Go on walks with them round the block in the evenings if you can. Maybe do some drawing or a puzzle with them. Good luck.

I’ve read a few of your home decorating and tidying posts, and for what it’s worth, I think you are inspiration actually 🙂

I agree with @Shiningout you are so hard on yourself and you seem to be your own worst enemy.

For ideas to do with your younger kids - how about camping outside (if there’s actually going to be a summer!) , if not, why not camp indoors with them?

Look after yourself OP (I refuse to use your username!), put yourself first for once every now and again 💐

You're not a shit mum youre overwhelmed and understandably too.

Don't compare yourself to their father, he doesn't have to do all the things you have to do during the week, he just gets to do fun things.

But you can do little things with them, make cakes, games even in the garden on the nicer nights, move nights at home. You don't have to be out and about to be a good parent, kids don't care they just want you.

Thank you . I know I do that sometimes. Sometimes I do feel omg you messed up. But mostly it's me trying to kick my arse into changing things.

My 2 boys bedroom has actually stayed tidy . Ut has its moments of being messed up but om the whole they have kept it good. I think l it really helped making it brighter and more child like.

I don't have the money for CBT. I can probably talk to gp although I'm not sure how.

Yeah we do things like basket ball in the garden, watch a movie. As I said I have been trying to get the kids to the park once a week if I can.

I know I should not compare myself to their father but it's hard not to . I feel like all their happy memories will be with him. And I'm just boring.

You actually care about your children, there's plenty that don't trust me.
I know you can't help it comparing but you're doing your best. Cut yourself some slack honestly. You've been through alot you should actually be proud of yourself.

Thank you . I think I just want to enjoy life to be honest

Then make a plan to, it's your life hun.
If you can afford a break away then I think you should. Only you can do it.

Try goggling IAPT and your area name or NHS talking therapies and your area name. Usually you can self refer yourself for free talking therapy.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself, you've done your best in difficult circumstances.

I think you should start small and build up. The children will value your dedicated time and attention over a lot of paid for activities. Things like sitting and painting together after school, reading to them and with them, building a fort from boxes and sheets etc.

Hello again

How are the plants in the front garden doing??

You can't compete with Disney Dad for 'fun times' but you know what?? You don't have to. Kids aren't stupid, they know who has their back, they know who makes them feel safe & comfortable at home, who sorts out their tea, sorts out all their uniforms & school stuff, they know who is their world.

they understand a lot more about a Disney Dad than you give them credit for.

just keep doing what you're doing Park, basketball, watching movies and try to spend more time with them on your weekends & catch up one weekend day he has them & spend the other doing things for you or 50:50.

get the younger ones involved in making dinner.

I've forgotten how old the younger ones are?

how are the older ones doing??

My happiest childhood memories were playing in the house or the garden. Jigsaws and mousetrap indoors when it was raining, watching a film with a hot choc in winter or making mud pies and counting wood lice in the garden in the summer. Yes, trips out can be fun but enjoying time playing at home can be far more relaxing for you and your kids. You’re doing fab!

I killed the front garden plants. I might get the kids to help me do it again.

The dinner involvement is a big no.its to stressful .

The younger ones are 8 and 9 then 14 she's obviously older but does still like to do things with us.

Then there's the older ones .

Adult dd still has alot going on. That impacts on others around her. She's not learnt much over the years . She's recently Been diagnosed with bipolar not sure if that's why she is how she is.

Older ds is still very hard work. But he is doing better

Oldest ds is doing fantastic. I don't really talk about him much I think that's because he gives Me the least worry and he's very independent.

Yeah and Disney dad . Your right. He does not truly have their back. He has no understanding of ds autism and his struggles . He does not talk about his worries to his dad. I don't even share reports/assments with him because he throws tantrums . So I do agree with you but at the moment tje kids are at that Disney stage themselves. But maybe over the summer I can try and level things up a bit.

I truly sympathise, I have a child that has been through awful mental health battles, self harm and suicide attempts i understand how hard and draining that is, you have to be on high alert all the time and focus on other things have to take a back seat.
Give yourself a break! You are doing it all single handed. I agree CBT could help massively with your thought process, you are very negative about yourself, you are constantly there for your children, giving your all day to day regardless of how much you are burning yourself out. Be proud of yourself!

When the kids are with their dad take that time for you, relax, catch up with friends or something you enjoy. That time is important.

As for wanting to do more with them, if money is tight there are lots of free places around, parks, museums etc, google local places for free, there are lots of activities you can do at home aswell. You could get the kids to suggest activities/places they enjoy, put them on lolly sticks or bits of folded paper in a jar and let them take turns to choose things to do. Packed lunches saves quite a bit of money for days out, always look out for discount codes.

Maybe try to get the kids involved with little jobs around the house tell them you are finding it hard and could do with their help, then you can all do something fun together.

Is it low folate OP? I had that and it was awful, I couldn't understand why I felt so rubbish the whole time. The GP prescribed high dose folic acid thinking it wouldn't make much difference as my levels were only slightly low but within a couple of weeks I felt like myself again.

Keep going, you are doing great.