What is the actual process of splitting up after a lifetime?

[RiverF]

From a practical POV? Friends of mine are seperating. They've been married nearly 30 years, children adults with their own homes.

They have been "seperated" almost a year, but still living in the same house, which is not working for either of them, sounds awful tbh.

She locked him out last night because he went out for the evening, and he slept in the car, but there's similar pettiness on both sides.

They haven't organised seperate living arrangements because they can't see how. They live in a modest terraced house with a small mortgage (ie not enough value to set up two homes). She is already retired with a state pension and a small occupational pension, but only worked very part time after DC were born.

He's still working in a decent enough, but nothing special job, (he's a bit younger). They were OK together, financially, but not well off.

I imagine their situation is similar to the majority of people, financially.

So, how exactly do they manage to seperate? What needs to happen to bring it all to head, especially if one wants it more than the other?

I don't plan to give any advice unless it's asked, but I can't see how they work this out.

They probably won't separate because of finacials just live apart in the same house being petty and miserable until one of them dies.

The reality is to sell the house, split 50/59 and then they will both need to rent. Claiming benefits if needed. Or one buys the other out.

The third option is to work hard on becoming friends/civil housemates separating their lives fully under one roof.

I know which I would prefer.

Yes, you may be right, but people do manage to seperate in "ordinary" lives.

Yeah they do but they are probably too stuck in their ways I mean locking him out the house Is ridiculous because he went out! But you said they are both are just as bad.

I know which I'd prefer too, renting?

But I guess the other feels more sensible financially?

I'm trying to be neutral, but I only really hear one side.

She's heart broken. He wants his freedom. I don't know where he went or who with, but as they've been seperated a year, it shouldn't really matter, although obviously I understand emotions don't work like that.

That's a shame she might not want to seperation at all ? Have you asked if they are planning to divorce.

For most people (except the very rich, who can absorb the cost, or the very poor, who can’t get poorer) divorce results in a materially lower standard of living for both parties.

Your friend needs to work through the finances and decide what she wants. Can she get a job?

Well they say they are but afaik neither has actually done anything about that.

From what I know, from my neutral position, she laid out an ultimatum about what needed to change in their marriage, or it was over and he said, you're right, it's over and now she's regretting it. It all stemmed from him wanting to live a bit, now DC are gone, and her preferring to be at home, but also not wanting him to go out without her, which doesn't seem to have changed.

I think she needs to move out and maybe it is time to be non neutral and say something she sounds sad.

Ah, I'm mostly talking to him.

He's trying to do what he thinks is the decent thing and not force anything on her. I want to shake him for the good of both of them!

I think they're both very sad. It all started off with a genuine attempt to be amicable about the whole thing, but that seems to be proving unsustainable.

If she locked him out for going out then they're not living separately. If they were then she'd have no say in what he does or where he goes, and she absolutely has no right to lock him out.

They need to separate everything, separate bedrooms, separate living room if possible. No cooking/shopping/laundry for each other. Perhaps a rota for cleaning etc.

Effectively live like flatmates.

If that's not what's happening then one of them should leave and rent somewhere then sell the house and go from there.

She obviously had no "right" to lock him out.

His story is that it was just because he went out. I'm prepared to accept there may be a other version. Either way, it's clear there are lots of emotions involved still.

He applies for a divorce online and forces the house sale.

As uI understand, that is what they do, completely seperate except for within and bathroom, no shared cooking or shopping, and it all works OK for a while, then something comes to a head and they have a row.

Sometimes retirement flats are cheaper than standard flats. Look on Rightmove and filter for retirement properties. It might be possible to get two one bed flats if they’re over 55, or 60, or it’s easier to rent social housing I believe if you’re over those ages.

They get the house valued - then look at the financials of if they can go to an apartment each possibly with a small mortgage each, to protect their sanity and for things to be healthier. Studio apartments, static homes etc are options

This is a good point also - retirement properties are often cheaper - and over 55 park home sites

She needs to see a solicitor. His pension rights were accrued whilst she took agreed time out of paid work to focus on their joint family responsibilities. The settlement needs to reflect that.

Yes and TBF he wants to do the right thing. He's talking about letting her have all the equiy, but she doesn't want to move and can't pay the running costs and mortgage, although if her income is the low I imagine she'd be entitled to some benefits.

I'm not sure how transferring the mortgage into her sole name would work though, as she's retired.

He won't have a huge pension himself.

You can't solve this for them. They either need to find a way of amicably living together in the same house (whether as a couple or otherwise) or separating even if that means renting until all the money has gone, but at least they're moving forward.

As a matter of interest how much does he want to go out? Does she struggle socially or with her mental health?

This situation is why most couples stay together, even if miserable. It's really sad to be honest that people don't have many options, and it's easy for outsiders to say: just walk away, life is too short, you deserve to be happy, etc , but when that leaves you with absolutely nothing and no security for the future, you can see why couples just stick it out even if they despise eachother... Giving up your family home to be alone in a one bed studio flat or house share in your 50's, in an unstable rental market, doesn't sound like a recipe for long term happiness. Divorce makes people poorer, no two ways about it. Moving from an owned property into a rental later in life will certainly seem scary and daunting to most who've had the security of owning their own home most of their life. Don't really know the answer op, but really feel for your friends, and I know plenty of others in similar situations, sticking it out due to no other real option.

I'm not trying to solve it, I wouldn't dream of talking to them about it unless asked, I'm just thinking through how it might work. It seems like an impossible and miserable situation.

Again, I only hear one side, but he was very young when they got together and never did any travelling etc. He wants to do that now. She wants a quiet retirement.

He has a new hobby (yes one of the middle age man ones!) which he took up to get out of the house at weekends and he has one or two nights out a month.

AFAIK there are no MH issues, but she is a quiet homebody, whose life always focused on home and family and now DC have moved away. I think he felt smothered having all that attention focused on him. I have told him, he didn't mind when she was doing all the parenting!

It’s extremely hard to ‘move on’ whilst living in the same house.
I imagine that, even though they might have separate bedrooms, they still eat together, she cooks etc too?

There is no wonder she gets upset when she sees him moving on and she left on the kerb, still being ‘taunted’ (for want of a better word) by what could have been.

fwiw I think a lot of women stay married because they are reliant on their husband pension etc….
One time when, once again, being responsible fir the dcs and running the house, meaning going part time etc… doesn’t do women any favours.